how to answer questions(2)

irishlibby

I am supporting my 80 yr old mom, who lives alone.  She was diagnosed in Sept of this year with Alz dementia.   I am struggling with issues of how to interact with her.  I know that I should not correct her if whatever she says is wrong and doesn't matter.  Today, however, I was there and she was upset because the trash man always brings her can up to the garage from the street and he leaves the garage door open.  There is no way the trash man can open her garage door. She will go on and on about it.  I try to redirect and change the subject, but I am finding it more difficult.  She also insists that someone else lives with her and is messing with the TV.  It was easier at first to deflect these questions, but as time goes on, mom is becoming more insistent and gets very upset when I try to answer.  I told her the MD doesnt want her using the stove and she has no idea why.  I guess I am just feeling frustrated with her. 

I am trying to convince her to move into either AL or MC but she says that she is just fine.  So I bring up these things like the trash man or her saying someone lives with her when they don't to gently tell her that maybe it's time to move.  She thinks I am making things up.

Any suggestions would be great!

CanyonGal

Sometimes you just go along with the statements. "I will talk with the trash man and see if there was a problem" and "Okay, I'll see if I can fix the TV issue" because she will not be able to reason logically due the brain not functioning optimally.

The brain tries to fill in details when short term memory fails. My mother moved an item, but because she can't remember moving it, so someone else has come in the room and moved it. She complains to me and the front desk at her AL unit and we just say that will will check to see what happened.

It can be frustrating when agitation kicks in with delusions - my mom in a panic that there are robbers in the building when it is just the laundry staff picking up or delivering laundry in the rooms.

Now she is in MC and the stories get even more bizarre.

SusanB-dil

Hi irishlibby - Welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason.  CanyonGal is correct.  Use fiblets if necessary and just go with the flow as best you can.

Also check out anosognosia. It is not 'denial', but rather the total thinking that nothing is wrong. You cannot try to reason with her, as that will only get both of you frustrated. If she is really agitated, check with her doctor for a mild med. 

Also important - DPOA and HIPPA access. You will need both for further care.

M1

Welcome libby you've come to a good place. Concerned by reading your post, it doesn't sound like she's at all safe to be left alone.  Delusional, possibly hallucinating, she may need ER evaluation and/or hospitalization.  Do you have power of attorney? Can you unplug the stove or take the burner kmobs off until you can make a different living arrangement? Sounds like a pretty urgent situation to me that goes way beyond answering questions.  Good luck-

Ed1937

I'm with M1. It sounds like it could be dangerous for her to be living alone. Please reread his post.

harshedbuzz

Irishlibby-

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your need to be here, but happy you found this place.

I agree with M1 and Mayor Ed. I'm afraid that you have reached the point where your mom is no longer safe living alone which means you need to make whatever decisions are needed to keep her safe and execute them. You are past the point of getting her input or of her giving her blessing to your plan.

If you don't have the legal documents to act on her behalf, you need to make that happen. Ideally, she is still competent and willing to sign a DPOA otherwise you are looking at guardianship which is costlier and more time consuming.

Given that she is seriously delusional, a MCF is the level of care needed. It's likely she would be disincluded by mentally competent residents of an AL. There's an old saying here that by the time family is willing to consider AL, that ship has sailed and MC is required. That said, I can appreciate that seeing PWD who are further along in the disease process will be hard on your heart. 

My father was not just delusional, he also conflated memories making me the bad guy. What helped me accept this behavior was this--

understanding-the-dementia-experience.pdf (alzconnected.org)

HB

Anonymousjpl123

Hi Irishlibby! Glad you found this place. It has been quite a lifeline for me and I feel like I was in exactly this place last year. To be quite honest it was really difficult for me so please always feel you can come here and vent. 

Others are right: when my mom got to that place it did get worse (neighbor called Adult Protective Services, people concerned by her level of confusion, flooding house downstairs by leaving water on). 

Getting her to move was the hardest part. Are there others you can chat with? Do you have family or friends, or does she, who you can engage as allies? At the time she lived close to my sister and we both agreed what needed to happen but knew if we pushed it she would push back. We started with “suggesting” it for about a few months. This was while she was more like where your moms is - nothing “bad” had happened yet. Then as things escalated I did call the Alzheimer’s hotline. They gave incredible advice. Real details. At some point, I went to visit and had an honest conversation and told her that we were at the point where staying at her home wasn’t an option. She did resist, but I held firm. We started to look at places. Now, she is safe in her first choice place and while her memory is still deteriorating it’s night and day. Literally. It is soooooo much better. We’re not living in hell worrying about her, she can spend the day with her granddaughter, see her family, even made friends. 

The key is to start taking action now: I’m certain if I waited it would be much harder. I’m so so so sorry you are caring for you mom but glad you found this resource. Good for you. Everyone’s advice is sound. This disease sucks but with support you can get through it and even find it brings opportunities for growth and lessons. And remember to take care of yourself too: you are doing the right things.

[Deleted User]

The user and all related content has been deleted.