I feel lost(1)

caberr

It's been just over 2 weeks since my husband passed.  It's still hard to believe.  I made it through the wake and service and family coming from everywhere.  I have been trying to get ready for Christmas.  My 7-year-old granddaughter asked if I put my tree up yet.  I told her I wasn't going to.  She said what if someone helps you?  I don't feel like putting up a tree.  I have a few decorations that were supposed to go to my husband's room. 

I feel lost.  I walk around the house picking things up and moving them from one place to another. Every so often it hits me that he is gone. My heart is broken. 

Joydean

Caberr I’m sorry this is so hard. This horrible disease takes so much from us. Do you think your granddaughter was offering to help you put up a tree? Maybe in her little way she wants to help you.  It’s okay to feel lost. You just lost part of yourself. Have you thought about grief counseling or maybe it’s too soon for that. My prayers are with you and I hope you can find peace .  I’m sending you a virtual hugs because sometimes words are just that but hugs are comforting.

M1

Not that this helps caberr, but at two weeks I'd be surprised if you felt any different. The grief and pain are still pretty acute, the loss is sinking in. 

I was reading Bear Hunt to my granddaughter recently, remember that? Can't go over it, can't go under it, can't go around it, gotta go through it.  No way forward for you but through this, too. Glad you reached out, hope it helps just a little bit to know we're out here to lift you up in thoughts and prayers. Love and loss....

White Crane

Cabrera, my heart goes out to you. My heart is holding you close in prayer. It sounds like your sweet granddaughter, was trying to be a comfort to you in her own way. As time goes on, I pray you will find some peace and comfort knowing your dear husband is whole again. Love and hugs.

Brenda 

toolbeltexpert

Caberr I have no words, but that is so sweet of your grand daughter.  I continue my prayers for you.

Stewart 

60 falcon

I can relate so much to what you said caberr. Lost.  At almost four months since my wife died I'm still feeling lost.  

I did manage to put up a small tree, not so much for myself but in memory of my wife who thought Christmas was coming up in just a few days, all year long.  I'm glad I did that. 

caberr

Thanks all.  I do think my granddaughter wanted to help.  I told her I bought a small one from the dollar store, of all places, and she seemed ok with it.  The kids and grands are coming Christmas eve.  I will go to my son's a few hours away for Christmas.  That is something I can look forward to.  I'm afraid I'm just going to end up on the couch all winter and I don't want to do that.

toolbeltexpert

Caberr I thought the dollar store was a southern thing. My dw has family where you live. Did you get rain or snow. It is good to have something to look forward to. I might be a little premature but Merry Christmas

Stewart

Marie58

caberr, at just two weeks, I'm sure your emotions are still very raw. Even though we've been grieving since diagnosis and we know the end result, grief when it actually happens is very real. You're grieving is normal. Don't be hard on yourself, do what you have to do. I'm glad you have family, including that sweet granddaughter. 

I feel as prepared as I can be for my DH's passing, who is late stage 7. But I have no idea how I'll react when it happens or how long I'll be lost. May the Lord give you strength and peace during this difficult time.

caberr

Marie58...thank you.  

Stewart....we got rain and alot of wind.  It was in the 50's but now in the teens and sunny.  

Merry Christmas to all. 

Ed1937

I thought for sure I posted on this thread. Don't know what happened. Like you, I didn't want to put up a tree. But my handicapped son lives with me, and he asked if we could put it up. I told him we could. But as it got closer to Christmas, he said he didn't want to put it up either. So we'll celebrate by watching a Christmas movie tonight. I hope you can find some peace tonight and tomorrow.

Buggsroo

Caberr, I can imagine what you must be feeling. Grief is pretty insane at times. I remember when my dad died, I was incensed that the sun was shining, people going about their day, having no idea what had just happened to me. However, I just concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other, getting through the day. 

Your granddaughter just wanted to help you do just that. Putting up your tree at this time of year is indeed putting one foot in front of the other. But, you are entitled to grieve. You lost your loved one. You need to grieve, take the time you need, talk about him to people, remember the good times you had and how much you loved each other. 

This pain will become more manageable, it will subside and become part of your life instead of all your life. I am sending you a virtual hug. You will heal in time.

CStrope

I have a good friend that lost her mom to Alzheimer's a couple of months ago.  As I said to her the other day, I think those of us dealing with this all look at this time of year as a "first".  It's either the first since our LO was diagnosed, or the first since we lost them to this horrible disease.  For me I think it is the last, the last time my DH will be in our home for Christmas.  At the recent rate of progression I've seen in the last month, I can't imagine it suddenly slowing down.  Both adult kids were home for the weekend, and we all tried our best to make it both special and normal.  DH on the other hand cried multiple times, never seeming to be able to articulate why.  Though his functioning is that of a 3-4 year old, he is still very aware of the life that is happening around him, that he can no longer be an active part of.

So no matter what your "first" was this year, or if you viewed it as a "last", it's okay.  

Every day is a battle, every day brings us something that we had thought/hoped we'd never have to deal with, but we have, and we've come out on the other side.  

Here's to 2023 and another list of first and lasts for all of us.