Just need encouragement

Klako

I am placing dad in AL Tuesday. My emotions are all over the place. He is sad he is going. At one point this week he told me he is not going. A couple of days ago I lost it and I must have caught him in a moment of reason and he understood that he can’t be left alone and that I am here all of the time away from my home and husband and he doesn’t like that either. So he agreed to go. He does think it is temporary which also tugs at my heart. Although I know that is necessary or he would never go.

This is our first Christmas without my sister who passed away in August suddenly. So that just adds to the emotion. 

I know I am doing the best thing for him and that hopefully in time he will adjust. 

I am sure you have all been where I am. So much anxiety and even though I know I am doing this for him not to him…the feeling of doing it to him is just so strong. The fear he won’t adjust ever. The fear that he is going to freak out when he sees his furniture there. The guilt for wanting to be back in my home and my life. Although I have only been staying 24/7 for a couple weeks I have been here every day at least 4 to 6 hours since my sister passed. Getting some of that time back is something I would be grateful for but at the price of making dad sad…guilt.  

I so thank all of you for sharing your stories and advice. Without all of you I would be lost most days.

Jgirl57

So sorry about the wild things/emotions you

are going through. I do think it is the correct choice for 

you for right now. It is ok that he thinks it is temporary.

What I have learned here is you gotta do what you gotta do.

Hugs to you. 

dayn2nite2

I'm sorry you're having to do this, but you know it's the only way he'll be safe.

Stop bringing it up with him.  If he does talk about it himself, then of course validate his feelings and have a conversation, but try not to dwell on Tuesday.

M1

Hang in there Klako. No easy way to do it. It's hard, regardless. It still hurts me nine months on.

harshedbuzz

Klako wrote:

I am sure you have all been where I am. So much anxiety and even though I know I am doing this for him not to him…the feeling of doing it to him is just so strong. The fear he won’t adjust ever. The fear that he is going to freak out when he sees his furniture there. The guilt for wanting to be back in my home and my life. Although I have only been staying 24/7 for a couple weeks I have been here every day at least 4 to 6 hours since my sister passed. Getting some of that time back is something I would be grateful for but at the price of making dad sad…guilt.

First of all, I am sorry for the loss of your sister. BTDT, it isn't easy. The first year was especially hard with all of those "firsts without...".

It's great that your dad feels this is a temporary placement, TBH. We told dad his MCF was a fancy rehab with private rooms and that we looked forward to a time when he was stronger and could be home but that it was for his doctor to decide. It allowed us to be his allies. To that end, I decorated his suite as one might a Holiday Inn initially-- nice linens and pictures on the walls but not "homey". Over time we brought in a picture he liked of my mom (which one of the hunter-gatherers swiped on the regular) and an almost life-size portrait of my sister and I as young adults (my late sister was his favorite and he got upset around "forgetting" her). 

I hear you on the guilt. But truly, try to think of this as something you are doing for him (providing a level of professional care, social outlets and safety) rather than to him. Dementia is driving your decision-making. Dementia is doing this to him. 

Klako

Just a question harshedbuzz then on the furniture. Did you bring his own furniture? Or did you bring something he didn’t recognize?

harshedbuzz

Klako wrote:

Just a question harshedbuzz then on the furniture. Did you bring his own furniture? Or did you bring something he didn’t recognize?

The MCF gave us the option of supplying our own or using theirs. We went with their furniture for a couple reasons. My mom was convinced he'd figure out he wasn't coming home if she moved his furniture in. She had a rather rosier view of his skillset than I did.

The other piece is that furniture you do bring is going to get beat up. My parents downsized when dad was diagnosed, and mom wasn't willing to commit either of her high-end bedroom sets to being abused by dad and staff putting drinks on them and cleaning them with disinfectant wipes after having polished them lovingly for 60 years. My aunt went into MC with a fancy bombe chest (it was a treat she bought at an outrageous price the year before she retired-- she used to visit it during the year it was on the showroom floor awaiting delivery) and it was trashed within a year.

The other piece is that the day will come when you will need to dismantle dad's room and what comes in will need to come out. A few days after dad died, my DH and I went to clean out his things. We donated his supplies, linens and clothing as backups for other residents and left with only a box full of family pictures and personal items. I would not have been up to moving furniture.

Klako

Ok unfortunately we don’t have that option. We do plan to bring minimal furniture and like you I don’t plan to bring a lot of personal stuff at first. A few sitting chairs, TV and stand and an end table. We bought him a new mattress and frame so that will look new to him. I have mentioned the furniture but I am sure he has forgotten. If he asks when we get there I plan to just say they we had to bring his stuff and it was easy to get there and it will be easy to get back home. Hopefully that will work

M1

I had the same issue Klako regarding how to choose things to take to memory care that wouldn't set her off (we were required to furnish).  I had to buy a twin mattress as we didn't have one, and used a bed frame that was in the attic from my daughter's childhood.  I took one chair from our living room that she didn't recognize, a chest of drawers that was in my room not hers, and small tables and lamps that were elsewhere in the house.   New bedspread and sheets that of course she didn't recognize.  I did take some pictures for the walls that were in our barn, but she did recognize those and promptly took them down.  Ditto for an Alzheimers-friendly digital clock/calendar that she promptly took down, and she repeatedly unplugs the lamps and packs them up.  Packing up and getting ready to leave to go to Texas has been an ongoing preoccupation.  Nine months on, I haven't been able to take much else except some artwork supplies.  She swiped a little portable cabinet from the young activities director and is using that to store some of her art stuff.

Klako

So after nine months your mom still has not adjusted? That is my fear that he never will. I have anxiety about the furniture but we don’t really have much of a choice. I don’t have extra stuff that we can give that he has not seen. I am wondering if maybe even the three chairs I was going to take one for him, and then two for guests is too much. I just hate all of this anxiety.

I am just so afraid this isn’t going to work and then I don’t know what I will do.

Whyzit

Krakow there is a wonderful Teepa Snow video that addresses this issue. Basically she recommends making the room look like a motel or hotel room with nothing that is familiar to the loved one. If he/she believes that this is a temporary situation, why would their belongings (furniture, pictures, bedding, etc.) be there? You will have placed him/her in a position of mistrusting you, feeling trapped and it will result in anger. Then the facility workers are left to deal with this agitated person and at times they use drugs to calm them and if that doesn’t work they may be scooted off to the emergency room for psych evaluation.

You are wise to try and look at this from your LO point of view. This all makes sense to me as I also am faced with placing my dh soon. He will only go there with clothing, personal items, and his Bible that he reads daily and a word search book also used daily. I will buy a chair, chest, lamp and neutral picture, bedding, etc. to create the temporary atmosphere that will comfort him to set up the room.

Best wishes to you, let us know what you decide and how it went.

Klako

Well I don’t have time to pivot now and try to buy furniture. I had mentioned to him before that we have to bring own furniture. He won’t remember but I did so if necessary I will refer back to that. I had read so much about making it homey for them I didn’t think about making it foreign. Praying it will work out…

M1

Klako it’s my partner, not mother, and sadly yes, she has still not completely adjusted. But it’s memory care, not assisted living, and her underlying personality is fiercely independent and a loner and not one for integrating into a group. My experience is not typical. So don’t read too much into that for your own situation. Fingers crossed for you, let us know how it goes. I do understand how hard it is.

Suzzin

Klako, I hope the move goes smoothly, and that you will have some time to recover yourself. You can go back to being his daughter instead of his keeper, and he will have more people and resources to care for him which is so, so important.

I moved both of my parents to assisted living last year. Dad is happy enough where they are, he regularly tries to find something good to say about it. Mom packs up every day to go home. However, that's not a problem adjusting to the new place, that's the Alzheimer's---she had been packing up to go "home" when they were living in the house they'd had for 25 years.

As a data point, I brought all their furniture and artwork for the walls, including the old sheets and towels. I wanted to make it look as similar as possible to their old home, and my dad remembers enough about what's happening that he finds it comforting to have a "home" and not a hotel. They will likely need to move to a memory care place sometime next year, and I will have to think about what you all have said, I've been looking for a place that they could bring their own furniture.

Beauchene105

Hi Klako, please, please stop laying guilt on yourself. You sound like you're doing what's best for your dad out of love and concern. Trust me, there are no rules and there is no guidebook for this. Furthermore, no two situations are just alike. Gut instinct comes into play. Wishing you success on Tuesday,  and please realize that so many of our loved ones "pack up"... for years.  I believe that in their minds, they are resolving things and coping, & it's no reflection on how you're handling things. We can only control so much in life.

Ed1937

Sorry this is so hard for you. I didn't see the video by Teepa Snow, but I know she's a class act. When my wife went into MC, she went into a respite room because they didn't have a regular bed open. When it came open in a couple of days, they put a twin size bed in there, with other furniture. We were supposed to supply furniture, so I thought she would be more comfortable with her own full size bed, and we took that there, along with a chest of drawers, and other chairs. She was glad to see her bed, and she never questioned if she were staying long term. She thought she was there for rehab. But that's just her. Others might act differently.

RobinNicole

Hi Klacko,

I am sorry for your worries and fears and the loss of your sister.  

 It is the right move-albeit a tough one.  I placed my mom into emergency respite care last March and the room looked like a fancy hotel room, and we have never changed it.  I never saw the videos, but thought that was best as we said it was temporary stay.  Like Harshedbuzz over time we added some personal things but we never mimicked her bedroom.  We have some family photos and for this first Christmas in her AL / MC I put up some familiar decorations along with new ones.  We never said it was permanent and even now she loves that she “has a room upstairs” but thinks she “has a house too”  That is what worked for us.

Thankfully she settled in after a month or so and I know we were lucky but she will once in a while still ask about her house and car but we can assure her all is well and pivot back to her being happy there.  In fact she is relieved that we “like it too”.   

 Is your dad social?  Or like activities?  It helps when they get engaged with the community there-whatever that means to them.   At my moms place there are those like her who enjoy the activities, movies, games, and social atmosphere, and there are those who are a little quieter but are still happy to be around others.  At the beginning the staff can be very helpful getting your dad to meet others or reminding him of activities.    

Wishing you and your dad the best as he settles into his new normal and you back into yours.  I hope he can acclimate quickly.  

Klako

Thank you all for everything! I did end up mentioning to dad we needed to take a few things from his house. He probably won’t remember but I can remind him that we talked about it and even then if he doesn’t remember he usually believes what I am telling him.

My anxiety is through the roof but I am calm at the same time. Absolutely know this is necessary and that I cannot continue to do everything. 

I so appreciate this forum and all of you…without it I would not have made it through or learned so much.

I know tomorrow we start a new challenge but prayers that he adjusts and likes it in time.