Not the best Christmas ever

GothicGremlin

It's been awhile since I've had a Christmas as stressful as this one.

My uncle passed away on the 23rd. We're all sad about his death, but we've been expecting it too. He had been failing for the last several months, and finally it was just too much for him.

I texted my brother to get him to not tell Peggy about Uncle N. She's been kind of iffy recently on who's alive and who's not in the family, so I didn't want to add our uncle's death to her general confusion. Even when she knows someone has passed on, she's still not really quite sure. She told me the other day that she knows our dad passed away quite some time ago, but that he left some chocolates for her in memory care. I just let that slide by.

Turns out my brother had already called Peggy and told her. He must have called her immediately after he found out. I'm not sure why he felt so compelled to tell her. So of course for the last three days Peggy has asked me if Uncle N is still dead. She asked if our aunt is okay. I said yes, which is kind of not true. The day my uncle died, she ended up in the ER with covid! She's home now, and somewhat better. I'm actually pretty sure at this point that she will be fine, but I didn't know that yesterday.

Peggy asked what we have to do now. Took me a bit to figure out that she meant 'what are we doing for a funeral?' Fortunately, my aunt already decided she doesn't want to have a funeral until March, so I was able to tell Peggy it's months away. I have zero plans of ever bringing this up with her again. But my brother might.

Given that, I sent him a lengthy email tonight detailing all of Peggy's Alzheimer's symptoms/deficits, both mental and physical, as well as the stage I think she's in (stage 6). It was informational only, very detailed because I want him to truly understand where Peggy is with this disease now, and that some info is just not good for her at this point. I left out all snark. I don't trust me when I'm that irritated, so I had my s.o. read it over before I sent it. He confirmed - no snark. I know my brother doesn't know what's going on with Peggy because he hasn't seen her since June, 2021. He talks to her on the phone a couple of times a month.

I'm trying to decompress now. My old goth club in San Francisco streams their goth night (with video inside the club), and they have an online chat feature we can use, so I'm chatting with the online folk, and listening to what's being played at the club.

LaurenB

I'm so sorry that you and your family are going through this.

-Lauren

Quilting brings calm

What a weekend for you.  I’m sorry for the loss of your uncle.  

It’s definitely easier for people who communicate with a PWD by phone to not really ‘get’ their true condition.  Callers will ignore or explain away repetitive conversations or confusion as just being distracted. Other symptoms aren’t present on phone calls  Even if your brother were to visit, he might not see the true picture unless he was there over a number of days and your sister’s symptoms were on full display.  My older son visits his grandparents whenever he is in town a few times a year, and talks by phone in between.  I don’t think he understands the full picture. 

It’s possible that your brother might understand better if Peggy directed her repetitive questions about your uncle to him on the phone calls- but the calls aren’t often enough for that to happen.  

My siblings add to my stress about my parents. Sounds like you have the same issue with your brother. 

abc123

Dear Goth, I'm sorry for the loss of your Uncle. I don't know what to say about your brother. I guess he's another example of a relative with his head in the sand. I'm proud of the way you handled the situation, snarkless! Hopefully the information you shared with him will sink in and even encourage him to do some research on his own. My siblings and my dad liked to keep their head in the sand, heaven forbid they would actually read something. I'm sorry for the pain this has caused both you and Peggy.

SusanB-dil

Hi Gothic -Sorry to hear about your Uncle.  I agree with abc - these relatives with their head in the sand.  Guess you could say we all have to deal with friends and family who are clueless. I just hate that he made your life more difficult. Sure don't need that!  ((hugs))

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GothicGremlin

 Thanks, you guys, I really appreciate the support. It's been a tough haul since the 23rd. My uncle was so random, but he was also just a really nice guy.  I'm going to miss him. I miss him already.

As for my brother, I don't know. So many of us have to deal with similar clueless relatives.  It seems like there's one person in the family who steps up and takes care of the PWD, and every one else falls away. I wonder why that is? It's definitely a pattern. If anyone had told me this would happen before Peggy was diagnosed, I wouldn't have believed them. Yet, here we are.

I really wish he hadn't said anything to Peggy. She's been looping on this since the 24th. It's taken me about a half hour each day to redirect her to something else.

Victoria - I'd forgotten about Jill Tracy. She really can paint a picture, can't she?  I revisited some of her stuff on youtube and I found a performance that she did with Peter Murphy and David J. of Bauhaus in March, 2019 in San Francisco - doing what else? Bela Lugosi's Dead (such a classic!). I'd already moved away by then so I didn't even know about this performance until today.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FeACDBoI_74

And back in the early '80s https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FeACDBoI_74

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