Feel like throwing the towel in

Butterfly02

I’m the crying DIL

I have a pretty long story. I have prayed, cried, cursed, closed myself up in my room most days and still back at square one. In 2019 my MIL retired and my husband is an only child. She is 81 years old. She was diagnosed with vascular dementia in 2021.She has always been very quiet. (This is how it was hidden well). Well ,Covid hit in 2020. I have a suppressed immune system. To keep her safe and myself safe my husband would only see her during this time. She was pretty much at the house by herself except on the weekends when we would come over. Sometimes, one of her sisters will come over.  She has six siblings alive a one deceased .We have a son and live in a two bedroom apartment.  She was living in a two bedroom apartment for over 35 years you can only imagine the accumulation of things at her place. It took all of us to move her just about and she had serious panic attacks doing it. This time she was hoarding things. We decided to move her closer to us actually into the same apartment. Well at this time l did not realize that something was going on with her she could not work the stove or the microwave. I believe that my husband and his family knew something was wrong or have known something has been wrong with her all her life and did not tell me. A long story short we went over one day and realized that she was only eating crackers and not cooking herself anything even if she had groceries. Then it came to the point she would learn the time my husband would get off work and get very agitated if he did not come right over after he got off. I made my own observation that if this time she was hungry. She would not tell me anything only would wait for him to come home to find out that she had not eaten and he would make sure that she gets something to eat. I then started making pictures and writing instructions on how to use the microwave and stove and placing them on the wall and refrigerator. I thought that would help but it didn’t. So at this point I started to cook her food and then just take it over. Come to find out she still was not eating the food that I prepared because she did not know how to heat it up.l realized at this point that something was seriously wrong and decided to reach out to her siblings. They told us that she was just being stubborn and that nothing was wrong with her. I was the actual person who made the observation of her behavior. At that point I started to be looked at as the enemy who is trying to put my sister away. One day my husband and I spoke to her over FaceTime we both had talk to her all day back-and-forth. Only to find out once he got home that the toilet overflowed and there was feces and urine all over the whole apartment. She was walking around in it all day and did not call or tell us that day over the phone. It was flooded so bad the neighbors thought a pipe had burst. At this point my husband decided to move her in with us, and get rid of her lease. I have had panic attacks depression you name it since she has been living with us. Every time I walk in the room she either laughs or make noises like a monkey , which is totally annoying and it drives me bananas. Our apartment is shaped like a lowercase L. She sits on one side of the couch, and Jesus watches us as we move back-and-forth through our room . We have to keep our doors opened so we have no privacy anymore. She can only hear out of one ear. Everywhere you move she watches you constantly.  She talks to my husband only a few words here and there. Her yes means now d no means yes . Then whenever someone comes out of the kitchen even if she’s eaten her meal she wants their food too and will get upset if she can’t have it. She use to call one of her sisters who has started a lot of family hate against me but now they see the need to everything I was doing. But now I don’t even want to talk to or see any of them anymore because I have and am doing my best to help my MIL. She sneaks around our house when someone is napping and then she also tries to go out the door without letting us know. W he’s constantly opening the doors in the middle of the night so we decided to get special locks. There’s a limit on what you can do when you’re in an apartment and now I’m to the point to where I have to help her bathed and she doesn’t want it because she doesn’t get up to use the restroom anymore. At first it was just her urinating on herself but now she has started to do bowel movements. I love my husband but this is too much because she won’t even call our name when she needs help. But if someone in her family comes over she is a totally different person. My husband is emotionally everywhere and I understand being the only child and having to make tough decisions but it is time to place her into a memory care facility. She has really tried to come between our marriage by calling her siblings saying things to them like I won’t take her anywhere with me. Most of  the time I am going to my parents house which my mom has had three strokes and dad had one heart attack. It’s hard trying to even get her to sit on the toilet at our house let alone get her out of the house to someone else’s toilet . We had a very hard time with getting her to wear depends because my husband was too afraid to put his foot down. Then one day she was with him. He did not tell him that she had to go to the restroom. Dad made him make the decision to get rid of. Her regular underwear. She has been with us for over 10 months and she still won’t sit down on the toilet and wants to hoover over it. I am constantly wiping and mopping up urine. I’m tired and I know that he doesn’t want to put her into a facility but one year and a half is all I ca give. One of the reasons is because of her family keeps telling him not to do it but when I married him  I did say for better or for worse but now I’m not going to be able to do this any longer this is not just affecting him but it’s affecting my son we had to move him out of his bedroom and my son sleeps on an air mattress in the living room. I have health issues and so do my husband and it is time I am the primary caregiver and I am all out of giving to this capacity. She lies , thinks I’m stealing from her and have belittle me and gives me looks like I’m the worst caregiver in the world but she is healthy, clean, she has gained her weight back and  I take her to all of her appointments make sure she has her Mani Pedi and her hair done once a month. I have her do her physical therapy exercises. She’s not interested in doing any puzzles or coloring or anything like that anymore. She doesn’t want to do any house work she just wants to sit watch television and eat. She also interrupts my husband and I when we’re talking. When she sits on the couch and want to get up, I need to get up to use the restroom. She reaches out for my husband to pick her up like a baby. She has both of her hands in both of her feet and can’t walk . I am so over this. I know I gave you guys a long history, but I am seriously tired and annoyed. I know some of these things she may not know that she’s doing, but I tried being a caregiver and it’s just not working for me anymore.

CanyonGal

Many times, friends and family do not want to "see" the problem. I think acknowledging that the person is mentally declining means that "they" should be doing some intervention. And remember, they are not living with the person, you are having to cope with the VD behaviors. These same friends and family like to throw out suggestions, to which sometimes you just have to say, then YOU do those things with her because I am doing what I can. 

There are some people who are good at "showtiming" where they appear to be normal, but they can't hold that normal behavior for an indefinite amount of time. Anyone who is around them for long periods of time will begin to see the "off" comments and behaviors. My mother is really good at fooling doctors, friends and caregivers that she is competent until they do testing (at my request) and then come back with this person needs to be in a facility. 

It really comes down to safety and what is best for your MIL. It appears she is unable to care for herself. She is wearing you out in trying to provide care for her and the "leaving" the house in the middle of the night is a safety issue. 

Her primary care doctor should be able to do the mini-mental assessment, which can give you a baseline of where she is at. Assisted Living may be a good fit - unless the assessment indicates memory loss, where Memory Care would be the next level. I don't know if you have the funding to hire a PT caregiver to take care of her at home, but it sounds like you need a better solution.

SunnyMae

Agree with CanyonGal. Also, when you married and said your vows it was to your *husband* that you said 'for better or for worse' - not the entire family.

dayn2nite2

I would take my son (assuming he is a minor) and leave.  See what your husband does then.

You are being used as a free caregiver.

She is not her siblings' responsibility.  She's your husband's responsibility and he needs to come up with something different.

Not leaving will cause the matter to be put off - you probably need to do a "shock and awe" notification to him once you secure an apartment of your own (get your ducks in a row first, including seeing an attorney, looking for an apartment in the same school district as your son is already in).

And to me, it's worth divorcing over.

Kashka

I agree with CanyonGal and SunnyMae. You are doing your best and it sounds like it is time for your MIL to go to a facility that can provide the level of care she needs. Would your husband be willing to take a tour with you? I have worked in a facility providing several levels of care. They can help you determine which would meet your MIL's need best and give recommendations on how to make it happen. You deserve a good quality of life yourself and your health (and that of your son and family) is also important. Having your MIL move into a facility allows you and your husband to become loving family members again who can visit her when you are able for shorter time periods. It also allows her siblings to visit as often as they desire. Just knowing your options could be beneficial to you for when you are ready. Please give a local facility in your area a call to set up a tour. Good luck.

Jgirl57

I know it is easier said than done, but I agree

with d2n2. It is too much for you to keep managing

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ChicagoGal

You need to tell your husband that he has x days to find a place for his mom - Assisted Living or most likely Memory Care (since she is trying to walk out of the apartment).  This may initially be for Respite (temporary placement) - to give you and your son a break while husband is looking for a permanent facility.  If he refuses, you and your son need to move out and let him be a full time caregiver to his mom.

Marie67

My husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in July. I need to know if anyone has any experience with the VA benefits for veterans with Alzheimer's?

CanyonGal

Marie67 wrote:

My husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in July. I need to know if anyone has any experience with the VA benefits for veterans with Alzheimer's?

Marie67 - this should be a separate topic and it is a complex topic. 

Look at the Aid and Attendance section at the VA: VA Aid And Attendance Benefits And Housebound Allowance | Veterans Affairs. Download the forms and call your closest VA office or hospital and they should direct you to a person who handles those forms.