guilt over AL placement

Mckangel

In late October, my 91-year-old mother who has lived alone since my Dad died in February, had a delusion or hallucination that was very distressing to her, and it was a shock to me that she had a complete break with reality.  She had asked me if it were possible people on TV could see her.  I told her no, and that because her recliner was in a different place than it had been, which was true, that she was probably just seeing the TV images differently. This satisfied her, and while it was disturbing to me, I brushed it off. A week later, she called & said we have to do something about the TV. She said she could tell they (TV personalities) could see her because their eyes were following her. She said most maintained their professionalism, but one person had said something mean. She had turned the TV off.  She called again, and I asked her to turn the TV on while I was on the phone with her.  Somehow, I thought it might alleviate her anxiety.  I was wrong- she was began asking the people on TV "can you see me?" "Can you hear me? This is my home".  She said she wrote out a sign to hold up to the TV saying that she was in her home.  The next day, she covered up the TV screen with a thin towel so she could hear the news but not be seen. She happened to have a doctor's appointment the next day, and without any prompting from me, told the doctor all about what was going on with the TV. He did lab work, which didn't show anything out of the ordinary, started her on Seroquel, & had a social worker call me. The social worker referred me to a mental health facility that would do a psych evaluation. Between myself & my mom's sitter who has been with us a few years about 20 hours a week, we talked my mother into going to "have her heart checked" because she had been so upset. Basically, I had to commit my mother there, as POA. The mental health facility is very short term. I was afraid to send my mother back to her home when they discharged her, as there had been medication changes, so while she was there, I frantically toured AL facilities.  She has been in AL for about 6 weeks now. I feel so awful for taking her out of her home, to a mental facility and then AL. I am second guessing all my decisions and am fearful of the financial aspects. Looking back, there had been many signs of dementia including seeing 2 pink, baby animals in her den that ran when she approached them (the sitter and I look for any signs of droppings or chewed up carpet and food containers) but nothing of course. There was a phone conversation in which my mother accused a beloved relative of saying some very unkind things to her which I found out did not happen (there was a phone call, but the context was untrue). The relative called me in tears after she heard what my mother claimed the conversation had been about.  My husband and I both work, although my schedule is flexible, I have an adult child at home who works with me and relies on me for transportation.  We live about 12 miles or so from my mother's house. I am the only child left. My husband did not agree with me on putting her in AL; he felt she should be tried back at her home, but I was so scared to do that without someone around the clock, and I was afraid putting her back into the environment where she was alone the majority of the time would make it start all over and I was also afraid I would never get her to go to AL without going through this whole process again.  I had tried to get her to go into Independent Senior Living after my dad died, and she even reluctantly agreed to tour a couple of places, but I backed off as she kept saying she was not ready.  Then the TV thing happened & I do not know if I should have let her come home after the mental facility like my husband suggested or not.  I know what's done is done, but I'm so eaten up with guilt and sadness. I don't honestly know if the TV delusions have stopped (she has a TV in her AL room), but I do know she repeats herself a lot, which has been going on for a long while, and that she is forgetful. Maybe part of that is due to all the change or medication. Up until October, the sitter filled the pill minder, and we kept a close eye on it. There had been a few slipups here & there, but overall, my mother had done fairly well taking her meds. Now, I don't know if she could do that without someone in the home all day which is very costly and nearly as expensive as AL. If anyone has comments or suggestions, I would surely appreciate the input. I have been reading on the forum a bit, and I'm thankful I was directed here.  Thank you all.

CanyonGal

Well, I guess the simple solution would be to remove the TVs from the house. My mother would watch something on TV and that became part of her "story" for the day, because those things were happening to her. It is not uncommon in moderate dementia for the TV to cause some problems. BUT the behavior is showing loss with reality, which means the person needs oversight because cognitive processing is affected.

I had guilt over my mother moving into assisted living and then later into memory care. YOU have to tell yourself you are doing the best you can in having the person live in the safest environment possible. It may take months before everyone adapts to the new situation but tell yourself daily this is the right choice. No one likes having to place someone in care.

The Alz website has a finance section on how to pay for long term care.

Emily 123

So often we don't see the steady decline, or we're able to reason it away.  I surely did.

You've put your mom in a safe place, and you can sleep at night knowing she's able to have care if she needs it. It's not in her best interests to live alone given her memory issues and the fact that she's having delusions.  She could have one at any time--what if she ended up wandering because of one?   

It wasn't an easy decision, but it was a good one.  She can't make her own decisions reliably anymore and you have taken good care of her. 

Jgirl57

I haven’t crossed that bridge yet, but after reading what you wrote

I think you did the right thing and your LO should not go back to her home.

Give yourself an “Atta-girl” pat on the back.

Mckangel

Thanks to all of you who have replied and to all that have maybe said a prayer for this situation.  I stay on the verge of tears most of the time. All of the above responses moved me to tears, but in a good way. 

Things are starting to crop up such as medication charges from the pharmacy the facility uses, explanation of benefits from my mothers stay at behavioral health, and what not. I’m overwhelmed at all these details I never thought of, but I’m hoping it will smooth out after a while.

My sincere thanks to you all.