New Here - New issues have begun with Father

danieleigh57

Hoping for thoughts on how to approach issues with my mother (81) (she and I help take care of my father together) that my father (81) is beginning to have. Over the last few months he has started to use the kitchen waste basket as a bathroom and over the holiday he had a BM in his pants (first time for this). No one noticed at first, not until a family member smelt it and we had to search my parents bedroom to locate the mess. When we asked my father about it, his response was that it wasn't him and he did nothing wrong. No one yelled or even accused him but he kept repeating this over and over. (I'm assuming this may have been a result of shame he may have felt.) My mother mentioned she had asked my dad if he needed to use the bathroom (she does this before she goes to bathroom all the time.) and he responded like he always does; no I'm good. She will remind him that there is bathroom upstairs which he has never used since we moved into the house we are in.

After said incident, I tired to talk to my mother about maybe it's time to really think about having help come to house to help out. She thinks about it for a moment and often replies with; your father wouldn't want it. I can handle it. She has her own medical issues we deal with on a daily bases. Her memory was effected years ago by a stroke and I know she feels lost and unsure of how to handle things since it was my father who did pretty much everything. When I suggest the idea of help, it is often pushed aside and I become frustrated and I have no real outlet but to contact one of my 5 siblings. Only one agrees with me that it seems help is the way we need to go and I know it's because she lived with them for awhile and saw my father changing over time. My other siblings, two of them really, don't see anything and won't admit anything is wrong. When I mention the BM, or using the wastebasket, they often giggle like school boys and I just want to scream and beg them to see what is happening and help me convince our mother we need help. I know I can't convince them to see everything or help but it is frustrating.

I've noticed, over the last month or so, he becomes bored easily. He would, before, sit for hours on his iPad and play games, do crosswords (these are done now verbally with my mother), walk to bring the trash out. Make my mothers and his breakfast, help with dinner, etc. Now he just stares at my mother from his chair, gets angry faster (he was always a calm man, never raised his voice) calls himself stupid and useless. Doesn't want to play Wii golf like he use too. He will still play but just not as often. My oldest brother bought him a ping pong table, in the hopes of helping to keep him a little active. He does play with it but it takes a lot to get him to play. When he starts, he will play for about an hour with someone. This is the same with eating and sleeping. He won't do anything without checking with my mother. He looks to her for everything and I see her getting frustrated by it all and will look to me to help get him to eat or even take a nap without her. 

The newest thing is, he will get up wonder to the back of the house. We will often wait a moment to see if he went to the bathroom. If we don't hear anything, I will wonder down the hall to find him standing in the middle of my parents room. If asked what he is doing, he usually responds with; I'm getting something. If you ask if he needs help finding it or getting it, he responses with; no, I'm good and he will walk away. Sometimes the wondering is just around the house. It's not very big but it makes me worry that he might just start wondering out of the house. 

How do I approach the subject of help with her and help her see he needs more help beyond just us?

sorry of this was rambling but to be honest, it was nice to release some of these thoughts. 

Thank you in advance for any and all advice. 

[Deleted User]

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abc123

Hello Danieleigh57, Welcome! I am very happy you found this group. Please read as much as you can about dementia and read as many post here as possible. You will find more knowledge here than from most doctors. 

Victoria gave you some good suggestions to start with. Please keep reading and posting here. You are in a serious situation. I'm sad for your sweet dad. He is fortunate to have you!