How to answer

Mckangel

I'm in need of advice on how to answer my 91-year-old mother about why I feel she needs to stay in AL.  I realize the answer may not be the same for every situation.  My mother had a psychosis episode believing the people on TV could see her.  This was in late October.  She has been in AL since early November.  Of course, she wants to return home (she lived alone) and keeps saying she can't wait to get out of the AL facility.  She's pretty clear mentally most of the time. I'm debating on asking her if she remembers what happened at her house with the TV. I don't know if she still holds on to the belief that it was real or not.  I'm just asking myself these questions to determine if she could possibly return home as she stabilizes, and also, I guess, if she is still sure that these things happened in her mind, it would help me to know that going home is not an option.  Thank you.

Ci2Ci

Similarly, my LO started having psychosis - paranoid delusions (beyond the "everyone is stealing my stuff [because I hide it from myself]" delusions). I considered it this way: even if it didn't happen regularly, could it cause her to be unsafe if it happened again? For me, the answer was 'yes'. That kind of psychosis (of people trying to harm them) can lead them to try to escape the perceived threat. Was the case for my LO, who believed someone secretly was living in her house. 

I didn't have the luxury of AL. I moved her into my home, taking advantage of an episode which caused her to be afraid. Just said something like, 'Well, come stay with me for awhile.' I removed her from her perceived danger.

It might not be enough for you to remove your LO's perceived danger (the TV); as, it might not be the only type paranoid delusion she will have.

If you believe AL is suitable for your LO and is an affordable option, why not consider giving it a longer run. Use a fiblet to buy some time: "The remodelling work is not yet complete on your home" or such. 

Your LO will likely forget about her other home (at least in part), and hopefully even come to enjoy the easier life at AL and community of others. #HMMV

IMO, the other consideration is that your LO is 91 years old [Wow!]. The odds are high that she will need some kind of institutional care in the near future. Making that transition with her now might be the best approach. And, at the least, give your LO the comfort of an easier remaining life.

Mckangel

Thank you for your reply.  My mother is surprisingly mobile for 91, but she is a heart patient. AL seems the most practical solution for now, but the finances are a huge concern. She doesn't have long term health insurance but hopefully her savings will hold out a while longer. I do plan on talking to a financial advisor in the next few weeks.  My emotions are just all over the place, but I am finding comfort on this forum.  Thank you again, you are much appreciated.

SusanB-dil

It doesn't sound like she should be living alone at all. Most of us have to use fiblets. We haven't placed MIL as yet, but need fiblets for other reasons (driving, eating, taking pills, etc). 

You could try that something is amiss at the house... "Oh, we found that there was a problem with the pipes and the parts are on backorder." "There was some flooding in the neighborhood, so can't go back until everything is safe/fixed"  or that "the doctor wants you to stay here for observation for a little while longer."  Whatever works, repeat as necessary.

Unfortunately, the tv may have only been part of the bigger picture (no pun intended). She is pretty clear 'most of the time' still isn't really very good.

CanyonGal

My mother would ask ALL THE TIME for someone to get her out of there (Memory Care). It will be 5 months at the end of this month, and she has finally adjusted to being there. Last visit she would look at me and say "this is only temporary" until I can find an apartment, a car, or whatever she happened to be thinking of.

That may be a good way to answer her, "this is temporary" until (fiblet inserted) - doctor says it is safe for you to return home or something that you are comfortable saying. 

I had the same questioning doubts if I did the right thing in placing her in Memory Care, but she will display off behaviors now and then and I return to the fact I did the right thing. 

Delusions come and go but they were part of the reason she was heading for the next stage of dementia. Sundowning, which occurs late afternoon or early evening, was starting to happen and I didn't want to hear that she walked into the street or wandered off the AL facility.

You are listening with your heart (you want to please her by bringing her back home) but listen to your brain which says there is something wrong with mom thinking the people on the TV are talking to her.

Beauchene105

Of course, every case is different, but in my situation, it made for a much smoother move to get my mom into AL while her mind was "clear most of the time" and she was just beginning to exhibit a few dementia symptoms. I have heard most all of the residents at this wonderful AL express a desire "to go home". "Home" is not a physical house; it is a place in their mind. I think the community experience at the AL is so valuable for my mom. It's good you're going to talk to the financial advisor in case her finances don't last and you have to spend down to Medicaid . My mom is 94 and she's been at the AL for six years. In that time, I've seen many residents appear "clear most of the time" then turn on a dime and regress.

Mckangel

Thank you, the “no pun intended “ made me smile, which is a rare thing these days. Today, her “sitter” , who has become as dear to me as a sister, went to visit my mother. My mother told her  she tried to call a relative & he hung up on her. My mother wasn’t mad; she just figured she had woken him  from a nap. I called this relative, as we are very close, and he said he had no missed calls from my mother. Either she made the event up in her mind, or dialed the wrong number. I will check this on the phone bill. Either way, thank you for the unintended pun- it made me laugh a little

Mckangel

My mother had  been very socially isolated until my father went on Hospice approximately 2 years ago. Added point- she had not driven in 40 + years, so, for the last few years, until my father gave up the keys willingly at the tender age of 92, primarily she had only gone to the  bank, dollar general store, and her local grocery store. She would go out occasionally with my daughter & I for a bit of shopping until it was obvious my father should not be left alone for any length of time. When I put my father on Hospice care, people were in and out of their house several days a week. Although my mother complained about the constant traffic of people from hospice, she became very fond of most of them, and even did Christmas gift bags etc., for them. Likewise at the facility, I see her forming friendships and though she will never admit it, these people are obviously becoming important to her.