giving away valuables

califsealion

My mom was diagnosed 2 years ago with probable Alzheimer's and maybe some vascular dementia mixed in. I'm her caregiver and she goes to a day program once weekly.

At the beginning of pandemic, while she was still rational, she told me she was going to give me her jewelry because I was the one taking care of her. Over the last couple months, she has become increasingly hostile toward me, I guess?  She went in my room while I was at work and stole the blanket off my bed because she thought I took her blanket. I think that was the start of it.

My brother and sister-in-law visited the weekend before Christmas and I saw my mom had given my sister-in-law some lace my grandmother had crocheted. When I asked her about it, she said, "Well, if your mom wants to give me nice things, I'm not going to tell her no"

Since then my mom has been moving jewelry out of her jewelry drawers and stashing it in another room. Like all of it. I know where the stash is, so that part is fine.

This is crushing my soul. My brother has historically happily accepted thousands of dollars from my mom over the years, so I'm not sure confronting him will help. I know my mom is not in her right mind, and it's just things, but I'm wondering if anyone can offer advice.

CanyonGal

The behavior sounds like stage 5 suspicious delusions and paranoia. My mother hid things (and still does) around her room because she was convinced someone was going to steal it. I know it hurts when the action is directed towards you, but it is the disease. I have to try to restrain my anger when I am doing everything in my mother's care and the siblings, who do nothing, get rewarded with cash or possessions. I have to remind myself that she is not doing it to hurt me, and they are my mother's possessions to dispose of as she pleases. It is my guess that she doesn't remember saying she was going to give you her jewelry. I took my mother to the bank, and we got a safety deposit box to put her most valuable jewelry in for safekeeping.

Suspicion & Delusions | Alzheimer's Association

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califsealion

I do have power of attorney and I think I have a good handle on the accounts. I’m just not sure how I would convince her not to give her things away. Her argument will be that they are hers to do with whatever.

LaurenB

As financial POA could you let the other people in your LO's life know that she is not able to make decisions for herself and that even if she gives away an item, they need to check with you first?  Possibly you may need to secure certain items so that they aren't given away while allowing LO to give away lesser possessions.  I'd also check to make sure that these items aren't listed in her will.

toolbeltexpert

Califsealion your in tough place when family members haven't got a clue. I have taken all my dw jewelry and she doesn't have any money or pocket book she would just give it away.

We have to do whatever it takes, we "caregivers" will always be the fall guy, we have to learn workarounds. My got to is I have it locked up in a safe and put it in another safe, so it's double safe, it takes a key and a code to get to it. Which is true and that works, although I get asked a million times when I visit.

I know my dw's wishes for her stuff and will follow them. It's the best anyone can do. Sorry for your dilemma.

Stewart

MN Chickadee

I agree it does sound like stage 5. That phase was marked by my mom still being with-it enough to think she knew what she was doing. She was grumpy, suspicious, and always mad at my dad who was her primary caregiver. She would threaten to divorce him (never a whiff of that before in their 50 year marriage.) The PWD often saves their ire and worst behavior for those that are closest to them. My mom squirrelled away so much stuff in the house, some of which we are still looking for years later. Everything from jewlery and antiques to can openers, spatulas, and used kleenex. It got weirder as the months passed. I am still looking for some vintage pieces my grandma left us that surely must be in the house but I can't find them. I would tell your brother and SIL that they cannot accept valuables or money from her for legal reasons. Most PWD eventually need long term care, and the government will examine all these transactions in the 5 year look back should she need Medicaid. As her POA it is your duty to protect her assets. Remind them she is a vulnerable adult and they need to help protect her financially by not accepting gifts. They could even pretend to accept them so as not to anger her but quietly return them to you. 

I would shore up all valuables, like, yesterday. You might get some costume jewelry to replace  the pieces that are of value. Put them in a safe deposit box at the bank or somewhere she can't access. Use a therapeutic fib if you have to. They are being repaired or appraised and will be back soon. Anything of value you don't secure can and will be lost, just keep that in mind when you weigh the pros and cons of angering her. Lock down her credit, which you can do online, so no one can open any lines of credit in her name without the pin you set up. Shore up her bank accounts, either by changing them to come to your house or changing the account numbers or whatever. Also change credit and debit card numbers. That way they will still be in her wallet so she will be reassured but not able to do damage or give the numbers to a phone scammer. We didn't change numbers, but put dummy cards in my mom's wallet. The ones you get in junk mail and similar. These are the work arounds you will have to find. Use therapeutic fibs liberally, say whatever brings comfort. Sometimes we can't make them happy so we have to just focused on safe and cared for. This was most of stage 5 for us. Stage 6 came, and while it brought new challenges, mom mellowed out into an easy going person and did not have the wherewithal to even think about belongings or money, it was much more of a living in the moment thing, quite literally.  Hang in there.  

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CanyonGal

I took pictures of all my mother's jewelry and had them printed out. I asked my mother to write on the back of the picture who the item was to go to after she passed away. Unfortunately, this lasted about 5 pictures in, and it was too great a task for her to do. I wanted to do just 5 pictures a day, but she would get fixated on one piece, trying to remember who gave it to her, a story around it, and then she couldn't move on to the next piece. It seemed a good game plan but not one for someone who is in stage 5 dementia.

califsealion

Victoria2020 wrote:

califsealion wrote:

I do have power of attorney and I think I have a good handle on the accounts. I’m just not sure how I would convince her not to give her things away. Her argument will be that they are hers to do with whatever.

Is it a triggered DPOA or a POA ? If a DPOA that has been made active[aka triggered] it is your duty to protect her assets regardless of what she says today . And she would be past the point of "convincing." She gave you these powers just for the situation she is in today.

You need to work around her - the fake item suggestions are good. Safety deposit boxes can be frozen after death so an in house safe maybe be easier to deal with.

Again, if triggered the DPOA requires you to be in charge of the accounts and that includes precluding  anyway your brother can get access or get her to access these funds.

If they are unaware that Mom has these documents in place and they are active, then now would be the time to tell them before they cook up a scheme to "get their share" while Mom's alive.  A lawyer explaining financial elder abuse may make them stop fishing.

Yes they are her items but she doesn't know anymore where she wanted them to go, and if you have her gift  things now -- tomorrow she could be fixated on getting that item back -- so out of sight -out of mind is better. 

Is she alone while you are at work? You may want to check via a hidden camera what she does when you aren't there-- or who appears.  It maybe time for 24 /7 over sight --she may stash things in the outgoing trash bins etc....

It ~is~ soul crushing , it is the long slow loss of someone we love and it requires us to work around them , which seems disrespectful-- when keeping them physically, financial and as emotionally safe as possible is a loving gift.

Can you explain the "triggering" to me? I'd have to read the document to see if it is power of attorney or durable power of attorney. I can do that next week while she' at her program. Do I need a letter from her doctor to give to the lawyer?

RobinNicole

I am sorry you are dealing with this.   It is stressful and sad.   I agree with all the advice and comments such as getting costume jewelry to replace and putting real jewelry in a safe or deposit box.  Especially if you know your moms true wishes.  Besides your brother precious items can be mistakenly given away as kind gestures to others or potentially lost.  My mom lost a beautiful sapphire ring a year before officially being diagnosed.  That still is so hard to reconcile.  I remember when my dad gave it to her and we found the original bill of sale (and it was expensive!) After that we started having me store her jewelry in my safe.  I assured her whenever she asked about it I would bring it to her anytime she wants,  she felt better knowing they were secure.  It did not stop her from asking about it but it was for the best.

I also found during that time she was having delusions that my dad was still alive but not calling her or coming home and cheating on her.  He died forty years ago.  But she was so upset that one night when my brother was staying at her house he woke up and found the pictures of my dad, and his brothers were all missing from the wall.  We could not find them anywhere and guessed she had thrown them out.  We were devastated as we did not have copies.  I finally found them tucked away in the garage tucked in a corner with outdoor leaf bags and I am lucky to have noticed them.   It’s time to secure things that are of sentimental value as well as monetary value.  

I too had taken over her accounts and sadly found that she had been giving away money and been taken advantage of for many pseudo charities.  She was very generous and kind which was nice, but not good for her long term finances which we need for her AL / MC.   

Good luck on your next steps and please keep us posted 

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