How to find acceptance

SamP

Hi all. I'm new to the message board. I joined because I' m really looking for help in how to find acceptance. My mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s this summer, but she is already very advanced. I live far from her and didn't see her much during the first couple years of the pandemic, so I didn't see some of the signs. Dad was clearly doing a lot to cover for her. Collectively, thay was a recipe for denile. Dad died unexpectedly this year, and Mom has declined dramatically and is now in memory care.

I was clearly in denial about my mom for a while. Now, cognitively I understand that she has Alzheimer’s and can articulate all the evidence of that diagnosis, but I'm still struggling with it emotionally. Any time I interact with my mom or have to do anything related to her care, it sends me into an emotional spiral. When I talk to her, I end up being super distracted and foggy for a couple days. I think it's me emotionally trying to push back against the reality of her condition. 

How do I get past this? What can I do to get myself to fully accept her diagnosis? I've been told to "face it", "engage with it", and "look at it", but im struggling to translate that into actions and actual acceptance.

Stuck in the middle

I don't know.  I know that life is finite, and that we all die, but I still rage against it sometimes.  I don't really accept human mortality, even though I have understood it intellectually all my adult life.

That lack of acceptance does nothing but make me unhappy, so I try to accept.  Walking in the sunshine helps more than anything.  I haven't been able to do that lately, and I recently dreamed of being with my late mother, my late brother, and my late son.  They disappeared, one at a time, and I was driving in the dark, looking for them.

The sun is back, and my cough is diminishing.  I'll walk in the sun tomorrow and feel better.  I hope you can also.

zauberflote

Hi SamP, and welcome to the place nobody wants to be. I am sorry for your loss of your Dad, and I'm going to go out on a limb and say you might be grieving for him. Grief comes in as many versions as there are people. The fog and distraction sound like a spell I have had after every death in my family. So in addition to living this grief, you also have to see your mother with dementia-- and I expect her heart is grieving too, whether or not she remembers your dad has passed. 

I am Not At All any kind of a mental health professional, but I can think of some things you could think about. 

You love your mom (assuming this is so). She loves you, even if she's losing her grip on who you are.  What would you do for your grieving mom if she were in her competent mind ? Hug her, tell her you love her? Send her a homemade something? Visit more? Maybe if you came up with a few actions to do for her, acceptance for you would happen in the background. I am just making that up as I go, but for myself, action often allows my busy brain to stop spiralling so that it can concentrate on whatever concrete action I am trying to accomplish. 

PS for Stuck-- your post really moves me. May you have many many sunny days to walk in. 

AlexandriaAlz

SamP, I can relate to your experience a bit. I’ve lived across the country from my dad since I was in college and he’s always been a frequent traveler so we only saw each other once or twice a year we talked often but for short periods. Late in the pandemic I started traveling to see him more because I knew something was changing during our phone calls. While I knew he was declining from dementia, I used all sorts of justifications to think he was doing better than he was and did too much ignoring of the seriousness of his situation. 

I think “just face it” is an unfair way to push someone to acceptance. It takes time. Sometimes it takes witnessing a scary experience. I’m working on finding a therapist to talk to and know that could be really helpful (for both of your griefs). I also found that researching the disease, reading these boards, watching teepa snow videos on youtube have been great for me. All of that helped me feel like I had a better grasp of what was happening and things to do and is helping me down the road to acceptance and accepting my dad where he is instead of being frustrated about what we’ve lost. But it’s so sad a lot of the time. I feel like I have regrets about time I can’t get back and know the dad I grew up with is almost gone. It’s a long, drawn out grief.

I spend more time with him now, traveling a lot which i know is a huge privilege. But when i’m not here I try to call him daily even if it’s a 10 second call, just to connect with him even if it’s more for me than him. I’ve found some bright spots in all that. But it doesn’t get easier. I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this. I hope you have some supportive family and friends you can reach out to. People want to help more than you would think.