DH is hateful all the time

Marie67

Since the onset of this diease, my husband is continually getting more hateful. There is no pleasing him. He is angry all the time. Is anyone out there had the same issues? Are there any meds that help with the anger and acting up?

M1

Marie, my partner certainly went through a phase of fierce anger and frustration, when it was becoming more and more evident that she couldn't do the things she'd always done.  I usually tried to just stay out of her way, and she nearly always would come around and apologize.  As she has progressed, she is less hateful that way, but now furious with me most of the time because she doesn't understand why she's in memory care and just wants to be with me.  Before she went to MC, there were times when she didn't know me and even threatened me.  So yes, I do think our LO's can have personality changes with the disease, some more than others.  Probably varies depending on which parts of the brain are affected.  But phases of anger are very common, and family members especially spouses seem to be the usual "safe targets," just like with toddlers.

mrahope

Sadly, I have experienced this.  It is really hard.  I think my DH is so angry at what's happening to him that it just spills over and no one else is here.  No fun at all.

Twin Mom

Yes, and meds have been a big part of our solution...and have really worked.

Marie58

From one Marie to another, welcome to the forum. You found a great place to learn, ask questions, vent, etc.

I assume your DH is in the early stages since he was just diagnosed this summer. When my DH was in the early stage he was aware of the diagnosis and aware he couldn't do things that he used to easily do. He'd get extremely frustrated when he couldn't do things he knew he should be able to do. He didn't get hateful or super angry and never aggressive. But when he couldn't do a simple thing, like get the grass collector bag back on the lawn mower after dumping it, he'd swear and maybe throw things. Is your DH on any meds? His doctor immediately put DH on antidepressants and we had an anti-anxiety to use as needed. You might want to talk to you DH's doctor. 

Sorry this is so hard. Blessings to you both.

Ernie123

Hi Marie. I have been down this road with my DW years ago and I remember how shocked and sad I felt at the time. But eventually I learned to recognize any unusual behavior as the disease and not my DW’s choice. And yes, there certainly are medications that can help with anger, delusions, paranoia etc., behaviors that are so difficult for a caregiver to deal with. 

My suggestion is to get an assessment by a geriatric psychiatrist who can follow your DH as he progresses. Escitalopram for anxiety, Risperidone for anger were the initial prescriptions my DW needed. They helped her immensely. Last year she was prescribed Olanzapine. A geriatric specialist can best help with trials and dosage levels.

Some PWD stay relatively calm and apathetic as they progress. Others like my DW become delusional, paranoid and occasionally violently angry. When these behaviors begin to emerge definitely seek medical advice. You cannot deal with it on your own and you have to realize you could be at risk. Three years ago my my DW’s delusions and anger were the reason her psychiatrist suggested we move up her placement into memory care.  He was concerned about my safety, saying she could easily pick up a knife and attack this strange man she thought was an intruder in our home of fifty years. 

Stay in touch on the forum and let us know how things go. If your local Alzheimer’s Society has support groups I would recommend you joining to get you a bit of personal support and advice from others who are also dealing with the challenges of caregiving.

Stella Luna

Marie,

I agree wholeheartedly with Ernie123’s  recommendation. An evaluation by a geriatric psychiatrist is needed to determine if your DH is suffering from depression, anxiety, psychosis or/and other behavioral change. My DH takes Seroquel ( antipsychotic) and escitalopram for anxiety and depression plus the usual AD medications: Aricept and Namenda. We go through ups and downs but he is generally pleasant and I can care for him at home.

Welcome to this forum, you will find here invaluable help.

Paris20

Marie, your post really resonates with me. I understand how hard this is for you because I have been dealing with my husband’s anger for years. He was diagnosed with AD  almost 8 years ago. The anger started soon after diagnosis and continues to this day. I think most of my posts are related to this awful symptom.

My first piece of advice is do not beat yourself up over this. It’s fruitless to think that we have the power to stop the behavior. We may understand that it’s not DH’s fault, it’s dementia speaking, but we’re only human. My husband is in a nursing home now because he had a paralyzing stroke on top of the AD. I used to visit him daily but it was tearing me apart. I cut down on the number of visits and the duration of each visit. It helps, but with each visit I view his yelling at the staff, his refusal to take his meds, his flailing about. He is on Seroquel and a tranquilizer but if he spits them out, they’re of no use. The meds definitely helped him, at least for awhile.

My only advice is to do whatever you can for yourself. That 24/7 with a spouse like this put me in the hospital two years ago. Is there anyone who can relieve you so that you can get out of the house? My husband has been extremely clingy with me but he forgets how long I was with him and when I was there. I have no good answers but do come here often. We certainly understand.

SC2SUNSHINE

My DH is angry too! It is very hard not to take things personally….everything is my fault! I try and redirect, it used to work pretty well but getting harder. He lashes out at me and perfectly nice around other people!

Marie67

Yes, same here. Everything that goes wrong for him, is my fault. And he never lets on in front of others, he just keeps quiet. I feel like I'm living with a stranger. I told my son earlier today, I'm not sure I can handle this for long.   Hopefully, doctor will find correct meds to help with the anger and hatefulness.

NonnaRose

My DH becomes verbally abusive whenever an aide or I have to clean him up, change his pull-ups & clothes, or ask him to do something that he has decided he doesn't want to do. His behavior gets worse after 4 PM. His geriatric psychiatrist recommended that we change the timing of his meds - 50 mg of trazodone at 2pm, instead of noon- but it hasn't made a difference. My DH threatens to hit me but he never does. I don't feel in danger but his behavior is leading me to consider MC, something I said I wouldn't do until he didn't recognize me. He already is on Escitalopram and Trazodone twice a day. Is Risperidone and Seriquel similar to Trazodone? The VA geriatric psychiatrist hasn't mentioned them and obviously the trazodone isn't helping the anger, just helps him sleep at night.

MaryG123

Hi Marie,

I’m sorry if you already have the attached resource, “Understanding The Dementia Experience” but it helped me lose my own anger at my DH behavior.   Is it possible for you to look at his anger as fear and frustration instead of hatefulness?  He probably doesn’t really have the mental capacity for love or hate anymore.  I know, it’s easy for me to say because I don’t have to deal with it.  Above all, please keep yourself safe.

Marie67

Hi Mary

Thank you for attached article. I hadn't seen it before. I'm only about a third of the way thru, but it already has me rethinking about my husband's behavior as well as my own behavior. I'm looking forward to completing it. I have the feeling, I may need to read it several times to make sure I don't miss some vital information.

I hope others read as well.

Thank you again, 

Marie

New kid in town

M1, 

I haven't done much on this site other than read.  I read your response in this thread and your wife's situation sounds exactly like what my wife is experiencing.

I don't have a, I believe it's a "friends list", so apparently I can't PM you.

Maybe if you send me a PM I can send one back to you.

Thanks.

Ed1937

Scott, welcome to the forum. If you've been reading for a while, you know it's a good one. Just in case M1 doesn't see your post, if you scroll back up to his post, then click on his name, you will see a green box that says "Invite". If you click on that, he will get an email telling him that you would like to be "friends". He can accept your invitation or deny it. If he accepts it, you will then be able to have private messaging with him.

SC2SUNSHINE

Thank You for this link to the article! Already started reading it, helping already!

Cheryl aka: sc2sunshine

SC2SUNSHINE

This is what I think is happening to my DH too.

SC2SUNSHINE

Hi Paris,  My DH is clingy too…and is getting mildly paranoid that Im hiding things from him., wants to hear all my phone conversations. I do my best to make time for myself and walk away it does help!

Jella417

My DH was diagnosed in May and is in ES and is often angry. Everything is my fault. I won’t let him do this or that (to protect him or others or myself) and he gets bitter about it from time to time. The hardest part is him taking it out on our teenage children. He is the adult and should know better how to control his frustrations but he can’t now and it’s hard to accept. I read here that reasoning with them won’t work because they can’t see what is happening to them. With my DH I have found the opposite and unusual is true. Sometimes he does know he has AD and can see that his actions are bad. I actually do yell at him and tell him his behavior is unacceptable and he does realize and apologize. I just can’t take it and definitely can’t allow him to treat our kids that way, making our daughter bawl because he can be so mean. At least that is working for now if only in the moment. New day brings new anger and/or frustration.