Where I or it’s at

Buggsroo

Hi everyone,

Hope you all have had a good Christmas and let’s hope for a good year coming up.

I phoned the social worker and she came to do an assessment. My husband was in fine form and pulled out all the stops. He pooped in the sink, told her that she was a f@&$ing *$%&. He yelled, but himself and behaved like he lived in a tree. Upshot is that she agreed it was time for crisis management and admittance to long term care. She took a copy of my power of attorney for health and care.

At first I was happy, I was elated, it has been a lonely three and a half years. But then the realization came that I would be on my own. Alone in my house with the cats for company. A good thing but terribly sad. So I have been cycling between relief and guilt. 

However it is time. The house reeks of pee, he even slept on my beloved couch and peed and soaked the cushions. I don’t get angry anymore, it is beyond that now. Just terribly sad. I am exhausted and burnt out. My family are relieved and I am too. I am so done.

ImMaggieMae

Buggs, I feel so bad for you, but you have done everything you could to make things better, and there just was no way to do that. Yes, you are alone in your home now but you’ve been worse than alone for a long time, having to clean up more messes than most of us even dream of. You have a remarkable amount of patience.  When you said he pulled out all the stops for the social worker, I thought you were going to say he was charming and on his best behavior. But he certainly gave her an accurate idea of some of the many problems you were dealing with. It’s sad, but at least you will get the help you need. I hope they can find some medications that will help to settle him. 

 I hope he will be near enough for you to be able to visit him and make sure he is getting good care. Please take care of yourself and get some much deserved rest. I know it hasn’t been easy.

Ed1937

Relief? Absolutely! Guilt? No way!! After all you've been through, instead of guilt, you should be patting yourself on the back for doing what you have done. If I were in your shoes, he would have been gone a long time ago. 

Now you are still a caregiver, only in a different way. You have become a full time advocate, who can get the needed rest. You have been amazing! That's what you have to focus on, and there is no way you can deny what you have done for him. When you start to feel guilt, come back to this thread to see why that feeling is inappropriate. I'm sorry the emotions have you riding a roller coaster, but you can get off that ride, and I think you will. Check back in to let us know how it's going.

ladyzetta

Dear Buggs,

I totally agree with Ed, if I was in your shoes, I would have placed him a long time ago. You have gone way over the top in all the care you have given your DH. I am surprised you have made it this long. You are a very strong and caring person. Be strong and hopefully they find a place for your DH soon. Guilt is a hard thing for all of us to shake but there is no way you should even go there, like Ed said you need to pat yourself on the back for the outstanding care you have given your DH. 

Please take care of yourself and stay in touch with the social worker she knows you need the help. Please keep us updated, we care. Hugs Zetta 

MaryG123

I’m sorry it’s ended up this way Buggsroo, as I know it’s not what you had hoped for.  But it’s time, and you need a break.  Hugs to you (()).

toolbeltexpert

Buggs I am so happy, not because of the tremendous amount of grief that you have been thru. But you both can get help. I cycled between grief and joy reading your post. A wave of depression hit me this afternoon, my energy plummeted and I just wanted to go to sleep. I left mcf early this morning and had thought about going back in the afternoon but I didn't. Reading the advice others offered you, has helped me. I hate this disease. I have to say and I know so many would agree, if anybody has gone thru the wringer it is you. I truly do not know how you made it this far without placing. 

Now I hope you get a great place and close to you. You are never alone.

 Our cats only respond to me if I am feeding them, they are lousy company for me.

Stewart

Jo C.

Dearest Buggs, our amazing, wonderful, most patient, kind, striving, and long suffering friend; I can understand the feelings regarding what is to transpire soon with placement.  You have gone the distance and then far, far beyond that. I know of no one who would have managed this long with what your dynamics have been like.  I would not have been able to do what you have done for so, so long.

The word "guilt" is not the best word considering how far you have patiently gone with all of this at your own exhaustion and burnout. . . . perhaps a more accurate word would be, "regret."  Regret that what must be must be, but it has become an absolute necessity.

It will be a new way of being and it may feel a bit odd and out of sorts for awhile; that is part of the process for most of us facing such changes.  Not only our LOs have a period of adaptation, we carers also have our own need to adapt.

As you find your can once again breathe more easily and not have to be standing on tiptoe on red alert every single hour of every single day, you may find that the placement may not only be a positive for your own health, but may be a positive for your LO too. He will have 24 hour awake care; he will have socialization and activities to watch or partake in that may be of interest of him. There will be a team of carers to help guide him in his day to day issues.

You can visit as much as you wish or can; you will still be caring for him, just in a different sort of way. Still an advocate and caring, loving person, but one who is no longer beyond exhaustion with stress induced hypertension.

One thing for sure, Buggs; please do continue to come here.  You are part of this large extended electronic family and we are all in support of one another no matter where this journey carries us.

With a big hug to a very dear and delightful person way up there in beautiful Canada,

J.   

Sligo177

Bugsroo,

I admire you so much for all you have done for your DH.  You have cared for him selflessly.  You can't do any more.  He will be safe and cared for and you can be just who you are meant to be -  his spouse,  his dearest friend.  Now you really, really have to take care of you.  Take hours for yourself, get the house back in order, do for yourself.  I am so happy he will get care.  Happy new year Bugs!!

Buggsroo

Thank you all so much. I am so lucky I have you all in my life. I have read all the trials and tribulations that we have all shared and it has helped me so much. Thank you again. I of course would like to continue to hang out with you all. I am sure there will be more bumps in the road. Happy New Years to all of us.

M1

II don't know how you've hung on this long. Glad to know it's happening, you deserve some respite.

Dio

Ed and everyone pretty much covered it. Need I say more? Wishing you a restful year and give some love and caregiving to yourself... Hugs.

Stella Luna

Bugs,

I also agree with Ed 100%! Your patience and devotion to your DH all these years are admirable, now is time to take care of yourself and continue to advocate for him in MC.

I am sending love, thoughts and prayers your way, wishing you peace in 2023.

Joydean

Buggsroo I can only 2nd what so many others have said. I honestly don’t know how you kept working and doing all that you did for your dh! You are amazing! Please take care of yourself when he is placed. And yes please keep coming back we are all part of this family! Wishing you a wonderful 2023!

abc123

Dear Buggs, 

I am extremely proud of you. You are in my prayers.