how to deal with cell phone use

d1020

Brand new to this message board.  Probably should have done this sooner since sometimes we feel at the end of our ropes!  My mother, 89, diagnosed a year and a half ago, we have seen a lot of progression in the last few months.  I think she's probably in mid stage.  Most recent difficulty is she has a cell phone and has been relentless in making calls to myself, my brother, my sister, just about anyone in her contact list (which has been shortened).  She leaves desperate messages if she can't get in touch with someone and calls repeatedly.   Doesn't remember we are at work or for whatever reason cannot talk at the moment and will leave multiple messages and then makes another call 15 minutes later.   We aren't sure we should take the phone because it is her connection to us when we're not there (she lives in a MC facility).  However, it causes so much stress for us and grandchildren and friends she calls.  Just not sure how to deal with this.  Often she asks if we're coming to pick her up she thinks she's in various places (hospital, office, etc) and we remind her that is her apartment where she lives.  Usually she seems to come around and knows she is safe, etc but sometimes doesn't believe us and gets aggravated/angry and hangs up.   We are pleased with the caregivers and the facility but my mom is independent enough and physically still gets around by herself, etc so she isn't receiving constant care.  They encourage her to participate in activities but she often declines and isolates so it seems her phone is her connection to the outside world.  Trying to decide if we could ask caregivers to limit her phone usage by taking it from her at certain times but don't know how she would react to that.  I know there probably isn't a perfect solution but hoping for some info or advice from anyone else who may have dealt with something similar.

SusanB-dil

Hi d1020 - welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason.

Maybe not quite the same, but there are a number of posts about cellphone usage. My brother has POA for mom, and he switched out her cellphone. It is programmed so she can only call certain numbers. He managed to switch it by telling her it was for an upgrade.  Pretty sure there are some you can program to only allow the phone to call numbers for only a limited number of times. Others have removed the phone completely, and some block the calls until they are more able to take the call at a better time.  As mom got better acclimated to her MC, she doesn't call nearly as often. 

Mom still calls, but not nearly as much.  But I'm sure others will have other suggestions, and you can always check 'archives' for more info, too.

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BassetHoundAnn

Hello, d1020, welcome. 

My mom was at your mom's stage a couple years ago. She was calling us and everyone she knew 40x a day, no exaggeration. And she was always extremely upset on the phone. I or my husband would talk her down, we'd hang up, and a few moments later she'd call us again, even more upset, with no recollection of the prior conversation. It was stressful for us all. 

She was also phoning random numbers. Plus she was getting telemarketing calls, and who knew what info she was giving out. She could still recite her social security number and birth date. 

My mom could never learn to use a cell phone, so an old-fashioned landline was the only option. We started to jump through all the hoops to find a phone that she could use that we could program with only numbers of a few family members and friends, and one which would work with the memory care's phone system. I spent many hours trying to find such a phone. 

At a certain point I said no, she's not going to have a phone anymore. End of story. She was very upset about it. For a long time. She endlessly pestered memory care workers with "Where's my phone? You need to give me a phone!" They would make some excuse about one being on order, or the phone company was having problems but she would get a phone soon, etc. 

I visit her nearly every day and ask if she'd like to call her friends with my cell phone. I call them, put them on speaker phone, and she has her chat, although it's usually brief as she's lost verbal ability and is unable to remember who she's speaking to. Sometimes aids at the memory care ask if she'd like to call people with their phone and that works. She usually just says hello and hangs up or hands the phone back. 

I would speak with the head nurse of your mom's memory care about what strategy she thinks would work best. Some residents of my mom's MC have phones (which they are constantly losing naturally). One lady has a fake landline phone in her room. But most residents don't have phones. Although I initially felt mean taking away my mom's phone it was for the best. It had been causing us all too much stress and heartache. 

Good luck! These situations and decisions are never easy. 

M1

Welcome to the forum. Im kinda surprised the facility doesn't have a policy about this. None of the 24 residents in my partner's memory care has a cell phone. If you take it away (for repairs, if you need a fiblet) you may find that she socializes more. Might be a silver lining.

d1020

thank you! I will def check archives

d1020

I love the idea that the phone "went missing" which it does often anyway and seeing how she does for a while without it.  The caregivers can make a call for her if she asks.  Thanks for the info

JennD724

Maybe put the phone on airplane mode? That way she can have it near her (it's like security for my mom to see the phone charging), but can't really dial anyone. Mom doesn't even try to dial it anymore, but we didn't have to "take it away". 

Beauchene105

If you want a means of communication whereby you can "drop in" on your mom and she doesn't have to do anything as far as answering, I highly recommend getting an Amazon Echo Show for her. It has been perfect for my mom because I control her Echo Show through the app on my phone. I can set it up according to her needs. It can issue reminders to the sitters at a programmed time, play soft music at a programmed time, show chosen photos of family throughout the day, play a daily devotional for her at a certain time, etc. It does require Wi-Fi in the building. This has been perfect because my mom could not manipulate a phone anymore nor remember how to answer one, yet we still have daily communication and can see each other.

CanyonGal

My mother did this when she was about stage 5 and when an episode of sundowning was occurring. She would call one or two friends in the middle of the night. They learned to just not answer the phone and let it go to voice mail. Often, if the call was to me, I would reassure her things were fine and she was where she needed to be, and everyone knew where she was (the facility she was living in). She was in assisted living with a landline when this started.

When I moved her to memory care, we opted for a home phone base, which allows the landline phone she was using to "work" like a cell phone (Consumer Cellular Cell Phones & Plans | Consumer Cellular). We pay the bill, and I can see the calls made on the phone. She has to dial the area code plus the number to reach someone. She is often out of the room so I have to approximate when she might be there to answer. Every so often she does a late-night call. She has been in memory care about 6 months.

The memory care unit does not have phone availability in the rooms. Residents can be reached by calling the front desk who contacts one of the mobile phones that the aides have so that family members can speak to a resident. We opted to try this way (the home phone base) to see how well it could work and give her a way to talk to family. We know one day she will lose this ability and the phone can just be unplugged and not usable.

She lost the cell phone use because she would run the battery down and refused to charge it. She was convinced it was going to start a fire if she charged it. The phone charger and even the phone itself eventually disappeared somewhere in the room. We resorted to the landline at that point.