Caregiver who is without family resources

Lyn Bear

Is there anyone else out there who is caring for a dear one (husband in my case) who is in a situation without close friends or any family to help.  I get so depressed and am concerned about my ability to figure everything out and keep going myself.  My husband and I were unable to have children and we are both only children.  My last two cousins up north died during the pandemic.  We are in a CCRC, and have some acquaintances, but no real friends within a thousand miles.  Most of the people who live here are too old to be of much help, and it seems almost all have families or have lived here for years and have connections.  I moved from independent living to assisted living to help care for him.  Since they don't have memory care here, this will keep him from moving to the nursing home as soon as he might have to.

I have a dear cat who is the joy of my life.  I am taking TMS treatments for depression and both my husband and I see a counselor weekly.  Nothing seems to help.  I would love to have a few connections to count on.  How does one carry on?

Ci2Ci

This is certainly a caring virtual community with which to connect. As for local connections, post specifically what you believe that you could use help with, so others can give more targeted advice.

M1

Hi Lyn, glad you found the forum.  I can only imagine how isolated you must feel--this online community has been a lifeline for me, and I hope it might prove that at least in part for you, too.  I have grown children, so am not quite in the same boat, but they are both busy and not involved with my partner (they are products of a previous marriage).  I am estranged from other family, and my partner does not have close family.  So I do get it.  At least here there will be people you can talk to.  Sounds like you have handled things well.  Are there at least some contacts in independent living that you can socialize with?  I imagine you need breaks here and there.

Martin Robbins

Sounds like me, Lyn Bear.  None of my three siblings helped beyond visiting for a couple of hours, maybe once a month.  When they do something it was not good.  My sister turned me in to adult proective services (APS) just out of pure meanness emanating larlegly from the fact I was financial POA, and had control of my mother's moeny and other assets.  APS did a full investigation and concluded, "There is nothing there."  (So much for that!)  The investigators were very thorough, though, and I admire their work and the service they provide.

As far as caregiving, my mom was in assisted living when COVID hit.  All residents were quarantined, and my mother's physical and mental health started downhill.  This happened to many elderly during COVID.  I lived 50 min. away, so I rented a townhome near to the ALF and the area where most of her specialists are, and moved both of us there.  I was the sole caregiver, but hired a nice woman recommended by the ALF director to come in a few hours a day.  Primarily, however, I leaned on my mother's geriatric specialist for help.  I would message him sometimes every day for help, and he always replied same day.

lol  You should have seen my brothers and sister when I told them my mother signed a caregiver agreement furnished by our attorney.  Some may be surprised at what the going rate is for caregivers, family or otherwise.  My search for an average rate turned-up about $4,700/mo.

Rather Not Say

I am also in the same situation, went from having constant familial engagement, to not even getting a phone call on her birthday. My entire family has made the choice to ignore my mother since they rather remember her for who she was, not for who she is now. The claim it is simply too painful for them, yet expect an only child in their 20's to handle this all alone. It has made me slightly bitter, and I often find myself filled with rage especially when I have to turn down going to events with friends like comic con because even when I reach out to ask they come up with a bunch of excuses. 

I have been told with time it does get better, fingers crossed. I just dread the day my mother passes because I know everyone is going to come out the wood work, and I hope when that time comes this bitterness is no longer there. I have given up on getting help from my family because as they have told me during our last conversation. "Don't you wish your mother would just go peacefully so your own life can go back to normal?" My family wishes for my mother's death because she is a burden. The hardest part of all of this is often many of the helpful tips are get family to help. I am like if I had that level of support I would not be asking for support, but alas you are not in this alone per-se. While most likely none of us can be direct help with the care, at the very least you have a place to turn to where you can vent and be free from judgement or have your choices questioned. I cannot tell you how many of my friends question why don't I just throw her in any old place. She is my mom, I will do what I can to make sure she gets the right fit. I know at the core what I am doing sounds foolish, but I will do what I can for as long as I can. In truth that is what any of us can do. 

ElCy

I’m in the same boat. DH has no living relatives. We have no children. I have 1 brother who lives 3000 miles away. We’ve moved a lot through the years so we don’t have close friends.

I know how hard it is going through this alone.

I learn as much as I can on this board, I’ve connected with local support groups, etc. I’ve reconnected with old childhood friends. They are far away but I can vent to them when I need to.

Make sure you have all the legal work in place before it’s too late. Including what would happen if anything happens to you.

I recently had to move DH to memory care. Learning to live alone is another hurdle.

But, I’m fairly young (67) and I know I can get through this. There’s no other choice.

sunnydove

Hi Lyn. It is very lonely indeed. I am the youngest of 4 but the only one involved with Mom in any capacity. I came to live with her in 2015, father passed away in 2018 and had to finally stop working to care for her full time in 2021. I miss work. I miss my coworkers. I miss my friends from where I used to live 1000 miles away. I miss having conversations that make sense... or conversations at all. I miss being hugged. Her friends have disappeared. Family isn't present or interested. It's so sad. She was always such a good person and would do anything for anyone, even when it was inconvenient for her. I feel invisible and irrelevant to the outside world. I don't have any answers for you, just wanted to let you know you are not alone. Sending you love.

Ci2Ci

For the 15 months that I have been 24/7 caregiver to my LO, I admittedly have been quite stressed by having to do it all alone. (Well, compounded by the anxiety of how I care for myself, having had to quit my careers+pt-job to be LO's 24/7 caretaker). 

The most stressful thing to me is that all the professionals and agency who are suppose to help, haven't. We have been failed by sooooo many doctors, hospitals, and NPO agencies. Even every area's Agency on Aging (or whatever called) has been useless, in the most basic ways even. Not so much as an adult day care or private care person available so that I can run needed errands. 

And now that she's had a sudden & dramatic decline (beyond my ability to care for her), with eligible hospital stay, I am having great difficult finding her placement for that "safe discharge".

It is this frustration at a failed system that has broken me.  (Not the answering the same question 50 times in a row. *grin*) I've managed high stress throughout my life -- being fully independent at 18. But, I worry that I won't be able to recover from this. 

The hopelessness & despair is overwhelming.

Ci2Ci

To add insult to injury is all the people (family, friends) who throw out the ol' chestnut: "Why don't you just....."  

I just want to scream -- and usually do.  People are ridiculously naive about what governmental support is available, for one. Or, just how expensive are care facilities. Or, how hard it is to even find placement for PWD at certain levels (especially without a lot of private-pay money). 

Mckangel

 I am the lone survivor of 4 siblings (2 passed before I knew them, the other 2 later in life). My father died last February at 94. He was under Hospice care in his home & I was the communicator with nurses, etc. My mother is over 91, and recently I put her in Assisted Living due to hallucinations/delusions. It is so hard bearing the pressure of being the sole person making these life changing decisions.  My husband, a very good man, did not agree with me putting her in AL after her stay in a behavioral health facility. That perhaps is the hardest of all for me to deal with. My mother has a few nieces around and they all agree she shouldn’t be at her home alone, and are glad she is in AL, but I am often reminded all these decisions are mine to make. I was directed to this forum and have drawn much strength from reading, and asking questions and sometimes asking for encouragement. We all need that, no matter what stage of this journey we are in. Please continue to reach out here, and know there are many that can empathize with your situation.

Hugs to you,

Angel