Stop caring?

ghphotog

I don't expect much positivity in the new year because it will be another year of constant crying, emotional outbursts and thoughts that make no sense.  She never stops. I think the only way to get through another year of this is to stop caring so much. Never gives me five minutes to myself. . .

I'm past burnout. Even when I sleep good I'm still too tired to deal with this day in an day out.  At some point I wonder if not caring anymore would be helpful for me. I'll still take care of her and love her but I have to stop running to her rescue every single minute of every day and the only way I can do that is to not care so much. 

I'll try to put both her and my mom in daycare more this year is my only resolution.

Thanks for being here everyone and hope I'm not posting a deflating post for everyone to start the new year off with. 

PS, she is scared, confused and it has to be hell for her as well.

Ed1937

Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think it's possible to stop caring. At least not in the emotional sense. You are who you are, and you can't just change your feelings like you can turn the light off. You could stop caring in the physical sense by letting someone else handle the day to day needs. Many times this is exactly what the best thing would be for everyone involved. It's not easy because we love the person(s), and we don't want to do that because they will no longer live with us, or we will feel guilty, or any number of other reasons. It's because we care. Please take a long hard look at your options, while considering your health risks.

ghphotog

You're not wrong Ed. Maybe stop caring is not the correct phrase I'm thinking of. Maybe more like detaching emotionally a bit more but either way it's easier said than done.

Just Bill

For me it is like babysitting a toddler. If there are threats my level of awareness increases. If she is napping I can let my guard down. If she gets a case of "Restless Spouse Syndrome" I imagine she is in the nerf ball pen and can't get hurt. I used to get tremendous anxiety from RSS and I am coping by disconnecting and detaching from from being on DEFCON 5 status for prolonged periods. That is what frazzled my nerves the most was 24/7 DEFCON5. DEFCON 1 or 2 is much more sustainable in the long run. DEFCON5 is only for brief infrequent periods. I hear her pacing and banging and gathering and stacking and stowing and...... I just disconnect and think she can't hurt herself or damage anything and she is expending energy. One of my objectives everyday is to encourage activity in order to tire her out. Usually a 1.5 mile walk with the dog is good for an hour nap. An hour or 2 of RSS can result in a nap as well. If she is napping I am as relaxed as I can be.

ghphotog

Maybe I need to let her cry without coming to the rescue every time. Part of the crying is when she can't find me and starts searching the house for me. She is like a toddler in that regard. 
Other crying episodes stem from her not thinking I like her or she feels I ignored her in some way, or I raised my voice a little or thinks that I have a girlfriend or I won't take her "home", also for some reason the bathroom scares her, especially when she poops as she doesn't know what that is or why it's happening and thinks I'm mad at her for it, I'm not."
I wonder sometimes if she was scolded a lot for having "accidents" as a child. Quien Sabe?
Most times I just hug her, tell her I'm here and will never leave her and if it's a poop issue I make sure she cleans well and places the paper in the toilet bowl instead of the trash can. She usually touches the poop directly on the paper so I try to make sure she doesn't rub her eyes because she is crying so much and washes her hands.
Just a few reasons I'm always trying to rescue her. I have to change my mindset somehow I guess.
IDK but I care for her and it's wearing me out to say the least.
Thanks for letting me air the dirty laundry!

At some point I guess I'll stop venting about myself and my struggles and start encouraging others here a bit more.

Just Bill

Vent all you want ghphotog. It is therapeutic to write and read and share your thoughts. Good bad or otherwise everyone learns something or is somehow benefited in some way.

Jella417

My DH is in ES and I already have way too much anxiety about what he’s up to while I’m at work or if he gets up in the middle of the night. I’ve made it so he can’t spend all our money but there are so many other things he can do that cause stress and will cost money to fix. One day he painted a small cream colored bathroom dark navy blue because it’s my favorite color. He did it to make me happy and then forgot to tell me about it. I found it when I went to get the laundry. He is a very messy painter. It was all over the ceiling and trim so it had to be fixed. The countertops, shower curtain, rug and everything else where brown and cream. Navy blue did not go. So I repainted it cream and redid the trim on my next vacation days. 

The anxiety of not knowing what will come next is exhausting. Not to mention trying to save them from accidentally really harming themselves. It is a lot. Too much really. I am trying to do what I can and let go of the things I cannot control. Trying. Not sure I’ll ever succeed. 

toolbeltexpert

Ghphotog it really does help to say it. It is still caregiving when you do anything like day care, placing, whatever it takes. Same for you, do whatever it takes for you, it's  not being selfish, I should listen to my own advice! It is never easy. 

I held my trembling wife in my arms this morning with her crying saying I can't do this anymore. I was just so sad and praying for God to help. But I got thru it like most days I got her shoes on and I brought her out to breakfast gave her coffee.  She is safe, she has changed so much between  meds and progression and she is not coming back.

On another note they need to start a catalog of the new sayings. Rss is definitely a alz abbreviation. 

Stewart 

Jinx Darling

I am calling it disassociation, I still care, caring is why this all hurts so much, but the pain of loving and being a caregiver to an angry adult toddler who only wants his own way and throws out ugly accusations anytime things don’t go his way (and because he is angry at his own loss of self) it too much, I feel the need to protect myself.

 I am having to disassociate otherwise I am going to loose my mind. Oh, wait, I have already lost it. 

I have had to stop the hyper vigilant over caring that I was doing and am working on the “if he isn’t hurting himself or others” motto,  but between dealing with (managing) a person that does not want to be managed and is difficult to deal with has taken a toll. Distance of emotions and feeling are needed, 

Trying to ignore DH’s mutterings and letting DH get my goat with accusations and anger is my current goal. 

Stella Luna

ghphotog,

Could you afford to hire a caregiver two times a week or more to give you a break? You need time to replenish yourself. You are also taking care of your mom, do you have siblings or other family that can help you taking care of her?

You also mention her constant crying…..is she taking medications that help with anxiety and depression? Lots of questions but you need to take care of yourself otherwise AD claims the two of you.

Stella Luna

JustBill,

What is DEFCON?

Just Bill

DEFensive CONfiguration followed by number of severity from one being the lowest and 5 being the highest. If the U.S. tracked an incoming nuclear missile we would respond with DEFCON 5.

BKay

I get what you mean. I used to feel like I had to get up every time my husband got up at night. I really don’t, unless (like just now, unfortunately) I need to clean up his soiled sheets. I now still wake up when he goes to the bathroom and lingers, but I usually stay in bed while he rearranges his clothes or items on his dresser or talks to the guy in the mirror. It may seem small, but by staying in bed I’m still kind of resting and I think maybe he’s better off just getting this energy out on his own without me being so actively engaged. I only speak up to say “Are you coming back to bed, honey?” just to reorient him.

I think a minimalist approach gives him more independence when it’s safe to do so. Maybe you can get a little much needed break here and there by not fully engaging every minute at such high emotional intensity. It’s just impossible to keep that intensity up and you do need to stay sane as you go through this. Hang in there. 

ghphotog

Thanks everyone for your replies! Truly appreciate it.

I'd like to put both in daycare at least twice a week but it's darn expensive. We have savings but once I start to dig into it the money goes fast. Like breaking a 20.

She is on memantine once a day but that's it. 

Iris L.

Many people pooh-pooh the use of medications, but I am of the belief to give a trial of the memory meds at the therapeutic doses.  There may not be improvement, but if there is stabilization in ADLs for a time, I think that is a good thing.

In your case, a trial of Aricept or Exelon patch may be considered.  Also, is memantine at the therapeutic dose, 20 mg or 28 mg in the extended release form?  These are available in generic forms.

Scholarships or grants may be available for attendance at adult day care.

Iris

Ed1937

Gh, sorry, but I don't remember where you are from. Arizona?? Wherever it is, please dig hard for info on any grants or other type of help that might be available through the state, then the county. You could be surprised at what might come up. Local support groups or local social media groups might also be worth checking. I wouldn't doubt if something was available, but took a little prodding to find.

rlpete

I don't think "stop caring" are the right words at least for me. I could never stop caring about my wife. I would describe it more as emotional detachment to the situation and going through the motions. More and more I just get up everyday mostly knowing how the day will progress, most likely same as yesterday and the day before that. At times, it just seems too much to face but I know I have to just keep at it for another day.