DW wants to leave memory care when I visit her

Dr. Dan

Hello everyone,

This is my first post since my wife was accepted in a memory facility last week.

The diagnosis is dementia with recommendations to care for her in memory care for the rest of her life.

I am pleased with the facility and the support, but every time I visit her she begins to pack her belongings and wants to come home. An emotional crisis for both of us.

I have asked the staff to distract her as I leave, but the emotional reaction is devastating, as I mentioned above, for both of us.

I read a post when I first entered the forum that consoled me, but I was unable to locate the post even though the connection accepted my invitation.

Perhaps, all of you out there can offer some insights since a connection with you can offer some solace.

Thank you,

Dan (even though my user name is Dr. Dan which I had to use since Dan was taken. I am not a physician; I am an academic.)

M1

Same boat Dan.  Welcome to the forum.  My partner has been in MC for nine months, and I still cannot spend one-on-one time with her.  I can go for occasional group events, but the minute she gets me by myself, she's all over my about why am I not taking her home.  I went Friday for a happy hour that didn't end up happening, and could only stay for about ten minutes.  She told me she didn't feel like we had any relationship any more.  It's painful to hear, even though I know it's the dementia talking.  

I hope your DW will adjust.  It's early days yet, so time will tell.

Ed1937

Dan, it's important to understand that M1's situation is not common. Most will acclimate to their new home much sooner. Some places think it's a good idea for them not to have visits for a while (maybe a week to a month) to give them time to acclimate. 

Welcome to the forum. Sorry you are going through this. But the forum is a great place where you can grumble, ask questions, share your experiences, etc. People here "get it", and you will get a lot of support here.

DJnAZ

Dan...I completely understand. My wife has been in a memory care facility for seven months.

In addition to moderate dementia my wife also has global aphasia. While she is unable to communicate it is quite clear she is always ready to leave the facility. The minute she sees me she will motion for me to follow her to her room where she will begin gathering her things that she keeps packed and ready to go.

From the day she was placed last June until I visited her yesterday, my leaving is a problem that can only be handled by the staff either diverting her attention or having to physically restrain her. Sometimes both.

However, now each time I visit I ask her nurse to give her something soon after I arrive to keep her calm when I leave. The medication definitely helps minimize a situation that, from time to time, has been very stressful situations for my wife, the facility staff and me.

While each person is different in how they accept and adapt to memory care placement, I hope sharing my experience can help you.

Dr. Dan

Thank you for taking the time, energy, and caring in responding to my message.

I visited her today, and she immediately started packing and became angry at me.

When this happened, a staff member was conducting a chair yoga class so I asked the instructor to distract her and take her to class. The instructor graciously did so.

I promised to return after lunch but wonder if my presence will distract from a bonding with the community. A challenge that you have experienced.

Thank you again for your response since I feel less alone.

Dan

Dr. Dan

Thank you for taking the time, energy, and caring in responding to my message.

I visited her today, and she immediately started packing and became angry at me.

When this happened, a staff member was conducting a chair yoga class so I asked the instructor to distract her and take her to class. The instructor graciously did so.

I promised to return after lunch but wonder if my presence will distract from a bonding with the community. A challenge that you have experienced.

Thank you again for your response since I feel less alone.

Dan

Dr. Dan

Thank you for connecting with me. It helps.

Your personal description of the trauma helps me. 

Thank you for sharing your Thank you for taking the time, energy, and caring in responding to my message.

I visited her today, and she immediately started packing and became angry at me.

When this happened, a staff member was conducting a chair yoga class so I asked the instructor to distract her and take her to class. The instructor graciously did so.

I promised to return after lunch but wonder if my presence will distract from a bonding with the community. A challenge that you have experienced.

Thank you again for your response since I feel less alone.

Dan

Ernie123

Dr. Dan: I understand totally the stress and discomfort you feel. My DW has been in memory care for three years, a wonderful small facility with kind compassionate staff. She is now in advanced stages. Most days she is calm, relatively happy. But on the days she feels agitated she will say she wants to go home. A wise counselor pointed out to me a few years ago that “wanting to go home” translates as “I want to go to a place where I will feel safe and secure”. 

Dementia makes the world an unrecognizable place. When you aren’t sure where you are or what is happening, like being in a dream, a natural response is to want to be “ home”. In my DW’s case, home is with her parents, not our shared home of fifty years. When I tell her there is no one at home, the house is empty, she always says “ mom and dad are there”.  They have been dead for thirty years.

I have found dealing with this issue very challenging because I feel helpless. I would do anything to console her, but she doesn’t always recognize me as her husband and she is just longing for the security of being with her parents. She is alone in her disoriented,  confusing world and I can’t reach her. She takes medication for delusions and paranoia which helps, but kind words and handholding by staff often works better than anything I can do.

As caregivers our challenge is to accept what we cannot change. We cannot always help and console our LO no matter how much we may want to. 

Dr. Dan

Thank you.

Your eloquent and compassionate descriptions makes me feel less alone.

My wife also believes her father is alive even though he died in 1993. After he died, we moved in with my wife’s mother for 23 years. We functioned as a family and supported each other. In 2016, her mother died at the age of 97. She was alert and functioning until the last days. My wife thinks her mother is alive and wants to go to them.

A safe place!

Your words are comforting and helped me.

Thank you.

Dr. Dan

Ernie123,

I shared you compassionate thoughts so that they can console others.

Dan