I just got chewed out…..

Mckangel

Well, I guess my New Year’s Day hit a snag. My mother called me from her AL facility and really let me have it for “putting her there”. She had been having hallucinations/ paranoia. I stayed calm & let her rant, then tried to explain the doctors didn’t feel that she needed to be alone. She hung up on me eventually. I called the building she is in and asked the aides to please keep an eye on her, that she was very agitated. She even went as far as threatening to end her life if she had to stay there. That was awful. I hope she can calm down and that the staff will check on her and give her a bit more attention today. I think some of this was prompted by her finding out how much the rent is among other things. I’m her POA, so she knows it’s me writing the checks. She says she has nieces that would take her in. I want to tell her that her nieces have been the ones encouraging me to get her to a facility for awhile now. I hope everyone else’s day goes better. Thanks for letting me share.

TXLulu

Sorry to hear your new year is off to a rocky start.  Hopefully as she adjusts to being there and becomes more involved in the AL activities it will get better.  Trying to get her involved in group exercise programs would be excellent for socialization, physical well being and mental well being.

I have had the "being chewed out" experience from the friend I am helping, and it isn't pleasant at all.  I just keep reminding myself that it isn't her saying the hurtful things, it is the disease. That helps me keep going.  And I am learning to develop a thick skin and not take it personally.

Will be praying for you.

SusanB-dil

Acckk! Not the best start to the year, for sure. I'm sure the caregivers at MC are familiar with this. 

So not fun. I ended the year kinda same predicament.  Pills... gotta take... keeping stable, etc.  I got: "Sit down and be quiet!"  Told her again keeping stable, from having another stroke... got pointed at, and again "Sit down and shut up."  I asked if she would like some more water, got hands over ears and she made a face. 5 min later, she took the pills.  Sheesh already! 

Reminder to self...  this is not her, it is the disease.  Can't reason with a cat.

Mckangel

Thank you TXlulu for the  words of encouragement and prayers. She clings to the delusion that people on TV can see & hear her. She tells me she’s sure that it is fixed at her house by now. My best guess is that it would start all over again as apparently she is having this experience still at the AL facility. My heart hurts for her; she’s 91 and I know she wants to be home, but I don’t see a way to make that happen without mostly 24/7 care and that would drain her savings much more quickly. I will look at that option and crunch the numbers, but I’m just trying to catch my breath for now.

Mckangel

Thank you SusanB-dil for sharing that with me. I’m so sorry you had to go through that, and I admire your patience. I hope things will be better.

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Mckangel

Thanks Victoria2020, I will check that link out. I admit I was stunned since this is the first time she has directly attacked me verbally. I probably messed up by telling her when she started in on me that I did not appreciate her calling me on New Years Day & chewing me out. It caught me off guard, but  I suppose it was a good learning experience for me. I did let her say her piece afterwards so hopefully it made her feel better. A friend called me a few minutes ago. She had just spoken with my mother and said she was in a much better mood. Clearly, I have a lot to learn and with everyone’s help I’ll handle it better next time. Thanks again, I appreciate your input.

Emily 123

Hi McKangel,

It can take a while for people to settle in. Sorry.  It's not easy. 

I'm not sure if you've read this, but it helped me in terms of understanding how I could approach things with my Mom. 

https://www.alzconnected.org/uploadedFiles/understanding-the-dementia-experience.pdf

As well, with your mom getting so agitated that she's threatening self harm, you should touch base with her care provider now to discuss that and adjusting her meds (I think you had her moved into AL in November so perhaps it's been about 6 weeks since she started her seroquel?).  

The Teepa Snow series on YouTube is great. This is also helpful: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ilickabmjww

The Tam Cumming's Website has a great list of signs of the different stages for Alzheimer's, and there's a downloadable list of behaviors seen through the 7 stages.  Just go to the bottom of the page to dowload it--you may have to give them your email, but they don't spam.  (Alzheimer's has a very step-like progression--other dementias may not follow the Alzheimer's progression).    https://tamcummings.com/stages-of-dementia/

Any conversation that makes her feel she's lost control or can't manage her own decision making is likely to cause a catastrophic reaction like she just had. You were doing really well.  Push everything off, make up white lies, be vague. Maybe she's there NOT because she can't be alone (she thinks that's clearly not true-how dare you), but because they wanted her to have some rehab, or testing, or her roof is leaking and the contractors are backed up because of a storm, or the sewer's backing up into the house.  You don't want to discuss monies, taxes, planning, etc--things she used to manage before.  Tell her medicare is covering everything at the facility, tell her she paid her bills last week. If having a POA sets her off, don't tell her she has a POA.  Whoever is sharing financial info with her should stop-it makes her aware of her loss of control.   Your mother probably isn't able to tell the passage of time very well, so she's unlikely to realise that you're having the same discussion every day, or that you might be adjusting what you're telling her each day to help keep her calm.  You're doing a good job!

I also like Vicki's series here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=coiZbpyvTNg

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZVRWKzZjbk

Also this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6cZTgG6kDjs

BassetHoundAnn

What you experienced Mckangel is sadly very common. When I moved my 90-something mother to AL she chewed me out at every opportunity. Every day when I visited. On the phone, calling many times through the day, screaming, hanging up. In the car as I drove her to doctor and dentist appointments. Total meltdowns, ordering me to stop the car, threatening suicide. Several times she called the police on me. 

I was told by staff that this was very typical and it would take about 6 weeks for her to settle in and stop with the tantrums. I was warned by staff that the dementia sufferer always takes out their rage on the family member they feel safest with, the person they love the most. It was small consolation. It took my mom at least 3 months to start to calm down. And then there were still frequent rage attacks, endless meltdowns and freakouts.

I begged her doctors for medication to calm her, but to no avail. Probably because my mom would always appear so chipper and happy while talking to the doctors. Show-timing they call it. I took her to a geriatric clinic at a major med center to get a psychiatric evaluation. Still no meds.

I had a rule in the car: no talking while I'm driving. She hated that rule, and I had to keep repeating it whenever she started to go off on me in the car, but it worked. 

It was a really hard time emotionally for me because I loved my mom, all my life I did whatever it took to make her happy. And now she was unleashing on me every bit of pent-up anger she could muster. And at every opportunity. 

It's the disease that's talking they say, and you have to remember that, but it's still hard when it's your mom.