How to overcome the frustration?

Claudia A

I take care of my mom who is in the middle stage of Alzheimers, she is not violent, on the contrary, she can says THANK YOU for every single thing around 30 times. I get very frustrated when she makes the same comment (about how beautiful is the day, how early or late it is, ask where is my husband when he has been ALL DAY at home with us, etc etc) MANY MANY times in just minutes. I have started AVOIDING her because I don't want to feel frustrated all day, BUT when I avoid her or let her, for example, eating alone I FEEL like the WORST HUMAN BEING in the world. So every day I wake up with the intention of having the BEST ATTITUDE, being with her  during the day and show her love and be a happy companion, BUT everyday I FAIL miserably.....it is like immediately I see her and she says something I get angry (inside, I don't tell her anything because I know she is not acting like this on porpoise) and I don't want to stay in the same room with her neither talk with her because there is nothing to talk about.  

I know her condition will get worse with time, so I feel so ungrateful for not appreciating that she is not there yet.

I have ask GOD for help, I have ask for patience and to feel LOVE for her and show her that love....I have seen a therapist and it helps for a while but I continue having this feelings and I am concerned I could get sick and when she is gone I will regret it. 

Any advice will be appreciated!

Thanks

Mckangel

Hi Claudia, 

I’m new to the whole situation going on with my mother, so I don’t have much advice to offer other than please keep reading on this forum . There is a wealth of information here along with people who are in the same place on this journey as you. I felt anger towards my mother today, closely followed by guilt and I know it’s not an easy thing to cope with. A lot of people have told me to be sure to take time for myself. I also know it’s much easier said than done. Is there a possibility a neighbor or relative or trusted friend could come over and sit with your mom for a couple of hours a few days of the week or so? Maybe there are volunteers in your area or if you attend a church or if your mother attended a church at one time, they may have some recommendations. Give yourself the opportunity to do something you enjoy or just some time away from the situation. I just wanted you to know you are not alone in your feelings and for the few days I have been reading on the forum, I really have found comfort. Hugs and prayers sent your way. 

Claudia A

Thanks for your words!!!

I recently started meditating and what it came to me today is that the pain I feel is because this is like CONSTANT GRIEVING, every time I see her or interact with her is a reminder of LOST....When somebody passes away, you grieve for awhile until you heal and then you miss that person eventually, but having a LO with Alzheimer is an everyday suffering.....

CarolineF

It sounds like your mom could really benefit from people other than you to talk to.

One thing I am planning to try in the new year is to ask relatives to commit to a weekly scheduled call with my dad, because he misses being social. He has also liked some of the programs at our local senior center. We haven't tried any memory cafes (in person or online) but I'd be interested in it.

I hired a companion for my dad twice a week specifically because she is very chatty. His companion asked me to give them errands to run for the house so that my dad could be active, engaging his brain and feel like he was contributing to the household. It helps me justify the cost of the helper because they are doing the grocery shopping, picking up his prescriptions, mailing things for me, making dinner together, etc. 

Arrowhead

First off, do not feel guilty for your feelings. We feel what we feel, and it's hard to change how we feel. We will feel frustrated and angry and depressed and every other negative feeling. All we can do is to try and find a positive way of dealing with them. I hope you do.

Jgirl57

Since your mom seems to “be happy”,

she might be a great candidate for adult day care

once or twice a week( some have a 2 day minimum).

If their finances can manage that , it would be a break for you.

This forum can be a big help to you . 

harshedbuzz

Claudia-

I get the anger, but it's important to recognize that it is most likely anger at the disease and not your mom. 

Having empathy and understanding helped me. This little essay helped me more than anyone or anything.

understanding-the-dementia-experience.pdf (alzconnected.org)

HB

Kes3222

  Claudia,

 Thank you for sharing your post. Boy do I feel validated! My partners, mother has been living with us since being displaced from her home in South Florida from the hurricane back in October. She is entering mid stage of Alzheimer’s, and I have felt so guilty exactly as you have as I have begun to avoid being with her. I work from home and I’ve been there constantly for the last three months straight that she has been with us. My partner travels for work and is frequently gone, which leaves me as the sole support for her during those times. 

She’s a lovely person however, all of the other issues that come along with her have made the situation very frustrating. She never has been a motivated person so when you layer on the behavioral issues that come with Alzheimer’s it’s a tough situation. I just don’t have the strength to reply to questions or comments that I’ve been replying to 10 times a day for the last three months. I have found it easier to just avoid being in the same room for a period of time which leaves me feeling incredibly guilty.

My partner was incredibly supportive when my mother was going through her end of life, health crisis and I feel I need to be there for him. We’re all allowed to be frustrated. Other than her memory issues she is healthy and able-bodied. However, she does nothing to help herself and many times is combative when we’re watching her diet and reminding her to take her medication.

Support groups in forums like this are incredibly helpful, so hang in there, and know that you are not alone in your journey 

Iris L.

Kes3222 wrote:

  Other than her memory issues she is healthy and able-bodied. However, she does nothing to help herself and many times is combative when we’re watching her diet and reminding her to take her medication.

PWDs (persons with dementia) are terminal, meaning they are slowly deteriorating and dying, regardless of how healthy and able-bodied they may appear.  They lose the ability to have initiative.  They lose the ability to take care of themselves, in fact, to do much of anything constructive.  They have anosognosia and truly believe they are fine, so they resist efforts to help or to point out the obvious to them.  A way to deal with everything is to educate about the illness and to learn work-arounds from the members.

Iris L.

LadyTexan

I get frustrated too. Sometimes I become very short tempered. I have learned the hard way, that when I get upset, the person with dementia gets upset and everything gets much much more difficult. Here are things that I try to do to overcome the frustration:

• When I remain calm and cheerful, things go much more smoothly. 
• I take deep breathes. 
• I say the Serenity Prayer. 
• I remind myself that my mom is NOT doing these annoying things to annoy me. 
• I remind myself that My mom has a disease. Her brain is broken. My brain is not. 
• I actively practice gratitude to soothe my nerves. For example, I tell myself that I am grateful my mom is still verbal. I am grateful my mom's words are kind.
• I share my thoughts and feelings with other caregivers.
• I am gentle with myself because being a caregiver is hard.

Ci2Ci

Very relatable. I feel as though I've been a terrible caregiver to my LO -- lacking the patience needed. (I'm also childless -- by choice, so had no prior toddler training!) And, that this caregiving experience has brought out the worst in me. I hate who I've been.

Part of that frustration is the relentlessness of it. If you have no support, it can feel never-ending. Respite is a godsend, if you can get it.  [I got that only after 15 months when LO entered hospital, and I was surprised at the instant relief my body felt. Not to say the worries are now gone (far from it); but my heightened irritability from 24-hour-per-day exposure got a break.]

One thing that I found challenging was the fact my LO seemed so darn normal, just mostly forgetful. She (even at ~Stage 6) has lost nothing of her intelligence and articulate verbal skills. She has never once even forgotten a word or called something by a 'placeholder' term. So often when she acts out, it seems on brand for her.  Maybe it is. But, no doubt, it is exacerbated by dementia, at least. 

She also lacks empathy. So, she couldn't care less whether she upsets me, in the process of acting out. That said, she is nicer to me when she doesn't recognize me. Go, figure.  

While I have always had a strained relationship with my LO, I believe that the root of my frustration/anger is at Dementia. For what it has done to her; what it has done to me; what it has done to all the millions of others (PWD and their people). Being highly empathic myself, whatever I'm feeling, I feel it ten-fold for all the others I know are feeling it too.