OK...Glass Half Empty

Kenzie56

I am so mad at myself for being such a Pollyanna. Every time I get knocked down, I jump up and try to fid another solution. I look at the glass half-full and then when something doesn't work out I am devastated...but I tell myself not to give up. Well, I am about to throw in the towel. I am more than exhausted and I just can't see a clear path right now.

Last spring I had a revolving door of caregivers and that drove me crazy.  I cared for him alone all summer and finally I placed him in a MCF in September because I thought I was going to lose it then.  After 6 weeks, I pulled him out due to extreme neglect, and posted that I changed home care companies and had a caregiver with experience and was giving home care another try. I was desperately trying to look at my cracked glass half-full. 

Well...that caregiver lasted 8 days. I discovered she had little experience with caring for a person in late stage 6. She did everything wrong and DH started stomping around the house and was very unsettled. I didn't feel I could leave him alone with her...which defeated the whole purpose for home care. He is not able to talk and understands very little. I have to admit it is a very challenging situation. This caregiver also came with quite a bit of baggage and left several times during her shift to take care of grandchildren, drugged out daughter, drunken boyfriend, etc.  After Day 8, I told the company to please find me another caregiver that has had training and is calm and reliable. Because of the holidays, the company wasn't able to find a caregiver for the 3 weeks of December. They do have two caregivers lined up for interviews this week and I pray one can start Monday.  

Do I have a black cloud over my head? People keep saying it is systemic and it is the industry...well, crap!  Why are we made to pay $5K-$10K per month for such care? The caregivers only get about $15/hr and we pay $35 - $40/hr. to these companies and no one seems to know this but us. I feel these companies need to train and pay caregivers for dementia clients more. It is hard work and no one wants to do it. Sorry for the vent today...I don't post often because I am too busy wiping DH bottom and finding pennies and trinkets for him to sort. I know there isn't an answer. I guess from now on, the glass will be half-empty and then I won't be so angry when it topples off the table and breaks. Wish me luck this week with the interviews. Maybe someone will have experience with late-stage dementia. 

Ed1937

Unfortunately, I've seen this before. As long as people continue to pay for the (lack of) services, why should these places make sure of a good fit before sending someone for the job. Do you pay before the services are rendered? If not, I would refuse to pay for something that you do not need. If you pay before services are made, I'd ask for a full refund. If they refuse, threaten to put it on social media everywhere you can get access, especially caregiver's support groups. I did this with a different sort of a story, and I wound up getting every penny back.

ImMaggieMae

My husband is somewhere around stage 6 and we have had the same caregiver since early April. She is here 3 days per week for 4 hours each time. She had experience with dementia And my husband liked her right away. The agency representatives around here come with the caregiver for the first meeting and stay about half an hour. I stayed downstairs with the caregiver and my husband and chatted most of the first day after the rep left. So she seemed like a friend to him I guess. Caregivers can do other tasks like prepare meals of do light cleaning. I made it clear at the beginning that her only job was to care for my husband and prepare light snacks if he was hungry. She’s dependable and we pay at the end of the week automatically by credit card. The only problem we’ve encountered is that she sometimes spends too much time texting or talking to family members on her phone. I’ve talked to her and told her that unless it was an emergency within her family, I expect her to be present here and not on the phone. The talk seems to have worked. 

We had one other caregiver through a different agency the week before this one started. He came to the house with the head of the agency and it was very clear within about half an hour that he didn’t have experience with PWD. I told the lady from the agency that it was not going to work out, she grudgingly agreed, and he left with her. She had totally misrepresented this caregiver. She called the next day saying she had someone more suitable and I told her no thanks, we were already talking to another agency.

Even though my husband is agreeable and cooperative at this point, it’s still good to have those 12 hours per week for errands or shopping or sometimes just upstairs taking a nap.

I hope you find someone who works out for you. Spending the first session with them if you’re not working outside the home is a good way to determine if the caregiver is going to work out and not waste a lot of time and money on someone who is unsuitable. 

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dayn2nite2

Unfortunately in many places, home caregivers are untrained and not dependable, which is why you see so many finally give up (training and retraining new people and having days where they have to be the caregiver because the person hired is sick, has some emergency or no-shows).

Kenzie56

dayn2nite2 nailed it.  Last spring, I had 8 part-time caregivers through an agency. That agency didn't include me on the interview - so the first day was always like a blind date. I always stayed home the first week, doing chores and just being around in case there were issues. I asked that one be replaced - but the others either were terminated by the agency, quit for a better job with more hours, or just decided they didn't like caregiving. Only one caregiver lasted longer than 2 weeks.  After my failed MCF experience, I decided to give a different home care agency a try.  This one did conduct background checks and the head administrator came with the caregiver for the interview/meet and greet.  She interviewed fine and said she had 22 years of experience...but sadly it wasn't until she started working full-time, that I could see this wasn't true and that her home life was rather scary.  Today they brought another caregiver and the interview went well.  I interview another caregiver tomorrow.  Fingers crossed that finally I will have help starting Monday!

Thanks for the comments. As always, very thoughtful and helpful.

abc123

Dear Kenzie, You are NOT a Pollyanna! Finding a good in home care giver was one of the hardest things I've ever done! I tried using an agency and that was a nightmare. Young women would show up with extremely long artificial nails AND eyelashes. They spent more time on their phones than they did with my mom. They had no idea how to be a care giver. I started reaching out to friends who had taken care of their parents at home with caregivers. I hired one lady who came highly recommended. She had years of experience with elderly dementia patients but she had a know-it-all attitude. She would back talk the head nurse from hospice. She was not a good fit for us. I kept looking, asking and making calls. I asked the social worker from hospice if she knew anyone. Finally.....I found the perfect person to help me take care of my mother! I couldn't believe it, a perfect fit for all of us, momma, dad and me. This lady was truly a gift. I encourage you to keep looking! I know it's hard. I could write a book about what I went through. Two young ladies showed up one day that I just closed the door on. Didn't even let em in the house. I thanked them for coming and then I lied and said the position was filled. I can't possibly imagine properly cleaning and changing someone's diaper with nails like they were wearing. 

Hang in there Kenzie. Good luck!