A question about I want to go home

M5M

When your LO says, "I want to go home", I understand they are looking for Mom and Dad.  

If the house where LO grew up is nearby, do you take them there? We couldn't go in, but can easily drive by. Is it helpful, or create more issues than benefits?

ghphotog

My wife has been in that mode for over a year now. Begging me everyday to take her home.
I don't think it would be helpful for me to take her to her childhood home just to see it.
She wouldn't have a clue anyway where that's at anymore and neither do it.
I just have to keep reassuring her that she is home, with me.
Nothing else I can do.

Dr. Dan

Ernie123 sent me this response to my post Dr.Dan. I copied it below for you.

Please note that I am not a physician. I am an academic with a PhD.

Ernie123 helped me. I hope that he will help you.

Dan

Posts: 179

 

Dr. Dan: I understand totally the stress and discomfort you feel. My DW has been in memory care for three years, a wonderful small facility with kind compassionate staff. She is now in advanced stages. Most days she is calm, relatively happy. But on the days she feels agitated she will say she wants to go home. A wise counselor pointed out to me a few years ago that “wanting to go home” translates as “I want to go to a place where I will feel safe and secure”. 

Dementia makes the world an unrecognizable place. When you aren’t sure where you are or what is happening, like being in a dream, a natural response is to want to be “ home”. In my DW’s case, home is with her parents, not our shared home of fifty years. When I tell her there is no one at home, the house is empty, she always says “ mom and dad are there”.  They have been dead for thirty years.

I have found dealing with this issue very challenging because I feel helpless. I would do anything to console her, but she doesn’t always recognize me as her husband and she is just longing for the security of being with her parents. She is alone in her disoriented,  confusing world and I can’t reach her. She takes medication for delusions and paranoia which helps, but kind words and handholding by staff often works better than anything I can do.

As caregivers our challenge is to accept what we cannot change. We cannot always help and console our LO no matter how much we may want to. 

MaryG123

I think PWD at that stage are living in their memories.  Sometimes it’s true that you can’t go back.

ghphotog

It's heartbreaking and a very helpless feeling for both of us.

JoseyWales

We live near where DH grew up. He doesn't recognize the house. When he said he wanted to go home, I don't think he meant an actual place. It was a memory and safety.

Everything has become unfamiliar to him. Of course he'd want to go home to somewhere that was familiar. When you think that everything around is unfamiliar and strange, it must be very scary.

Rescue mom

My mom was in a facility, and went through the “want to go home” phase. We did take her a few times. But she did not recognize it, and did not accept being told that was, or used to be, her home. All it did was upset her. It was definitely much worse, with no benefits whatsoever.

As I learned later, she most likely wanted to go back to better times, which was impossible. Here’s where distraction and assurances of love and care, do help.

Ed1937

It could mean that they are not looking for an actual structure, but a time period when things were good. The next time they ask to go home, ask them to tell you about their home. That might give you some idea what they are looking for.