Moving DH into memory care

DorisEmma

I have made the decision to move my DH into a memory care facility.  I have 2 choices, one in my town and one in the city in another state where my daughter lives.  After looking at the pros and cons, I will make the choice of which place.  But my question to all of you who have moved your LO into a facility, how did you go about doing it?  I don't need to know how you paid for it,  how you got furniture, etc,  but what did you tell your LO? Did a friend help?  How did you get your LO in the door and then leave?  Knowing your experiences will help me decide what I could do.

Dr. Dan

My wife was admitted to the ER three times before a three week stay at a hospital with 24/7 monitoring because she wandered.

On the recommendations of psychiatrists and neurologists, her dementia demanded a memory unit where she was just admitted before Christmas 2022.

When she she sees me, she still struggles to leave.

In my initial post, Ernie123 gave some comforting solace.

My screen name is Dr.Dan, but I am not a physician. I am an academic with a PhD.

See Ernie123 advise. It helped me.

Dan

ladyzetta

Hi Doris.

I placed my DH is MC when his care became more then I was able to provide. I had a caregiver come in twice a week but still it was hard for me to handle. The caregiver told me he felt placement was a good idea. My DHs doctor also felt time for placement had come.

I live in a small town, and we have an AL/MC facility here. I was very lucky that they had a room available in the MC unit. My DH had no idea what was about to happen. There was a lot of paperwork to make things happen. I was pleased and surprised how fast thing did happen.

I was given a move in date and had assess to his room as soon as they had the room ready. The caregiver who came to our home became good friends with my DH, so he was a really big help. I had a day to get my DHs room ready, so that day the caregiver took my DH out for a car ride. I took my DHs recliner and blankets and things I wanted to put into his room to make it sort of look like home. I hung pictures on the walls of all the kids. I even took his favorite coffee cup there.  When my DH got home that day and asked about his recliner, I told him I had sent it out to be cleaned. You will find fiblets come in very handy.  The move was the next day.

The next morning, I told my DH we were going to meet the caregiver for breakfast. I put my DH in my car and when I pulled up to the facility the caregiver was waiting, and all the MC caregivers were at the door welcoming my DH and his caregiver to breakfast. I said I was going to park the car and be right back. I lied I went home and cried all the way. Everything was planned out and worked very well. You will see that the facility will have ideas and ways to help make this as easy as they can. I was very thankful.

I went back 2 days later and told my DH that the doctor wanted him there so they could run some test. That became his new home. He was there for 2 years and got a lot of outstanding care. He passed away there 2 years later.

This is a long post I hope it helps you., it won't be easy, but you're doing the right thing. Just be strong. Any more questions just ask. 

Hugs Zetta 

Vitruvius

First I must say that our experience does not seem to be the norm, but here's our story:

I placed my DW four months ago. I did not involve her in any planning or even tell her about it until we were at the MCF on placement day, and even then I said as little as possible. I was certain my DW would revolt and insist on going home and be furious with me for planning to "put her away".  As for getting her in the door, she was used to me dropping her off at a day care program so I maybe that's why she didn't question coming there.

She did none of that. From the moment she got there the staff was great at distracting her, but they hardly needed to. She has never, not once mentioned home, or questioned where she is or why she was there. I have visited every day, starting the very next day, first for about two hours, now about an hour seems good. I go about an hour before lunch or dinner so that starting the meal gives me an excuse to leave.  I always tell her I will be back "soon". She is fine with that and pays little attention to my leaving.

Beachfan

Fortunately, or perhaps not, when I placed DH in Memory Care a little over one year ago, he was already oblivious to me, his family, his whereabouts, his past.  It was easy, but it was hard.  I visit him once a week; there is no recognition, no reaction to my coming or going.  It is easy, but it is hard.  He has been fading away - -little, by little, by little , since May, 2010.  I have been grieving the loss of him day by day all these years, and in the end, I will grieve all over again.  I don’t envy you; I wish you well.  Stay strong.

Joe C.

Doris, My experience is very similar to what Vitruvius posted above. I placed DW about 14 months ago and she has never once asked about home. I did not tell her about placement beforehand or even mention it after placement. I scheduled the drop off for just before they MC was having a music activity, when we walked in a staff member took DW into the activity room while I finished up the paperwork. Then I took her down and showed her her room. I am truly blessed, she was comfortable there from day one. I take her out to lunch or other activity about once a week and she has been back to our home, which she does not recognize, a few times, but she never questions going back to the MC. The MC has provided her with socialization & engagement that I was no longer able to provide at home and she is very happy there. I visit every other day and most day I find her smiling or dancing if music is playing. 

Ed1937

My wife was in the hospital for suspected mini strokes. Our kids kept telling me it was time to place her, and I had already talked to the MC, and she had been seen by their RN, who said she was ready for MC. Hospital staff told me they could transfer her directly from the hospital, or I could take her home. I told my wife she was going somewhere else for rehab. They transferred her to MC without too much of a problem.

harshedbuzz

DorisEmma wrote:

I have made the decision to move my DH into a memory care facility.  I have 2 choices, one in my town and one in the city in another state where my daughter lives.  After looking at the pros and cons, I will make the choice of which place. 

I am curious why you would consider placing DH in a place that is presumably some distance away. Is this a situation where you are expected to pass before he does, and you'd prefer not to move him twice or inconvenience your DD in the role of POA? Or is what's available to you locally awful? Or is it a matter of one state offering Medicaid coverage for MC but not the other. (I considered placing dad in a MCF in NJ in case he outlived his assets in order that he would remain in a MC rather than SNF)

But my question to all of you who have moved your LO into a facility, how did you go about doing it? 

Legally, my mom placed my dad. But I managed the logistics of the move-- I toured, selected my top 3 options, took mom on tours, talked the admissions person into accepting him sans interview, took dad for the required physical ahead of admission, set up his room and sewed on his clothing labels.

Like a lot of folks, I used a fiblet to get dad there. You know your DH best and can probably come up with the best option for him. A lot of folks use a story about home repairs but that doesn't make sense when there's a spouse still in the home. Some have taken the spouse at a mealtime like it's a restaurant or doing an activity like it's a senior center, excused themselves and left.

I created a fiblet about dad seeing a new doctor (he hated the one who took his license away and was always open to top-notch medical care, so I went off that. He also remembered a 7 week stint in a rehab 18 months prior, so we pitched the MCF as "a fancy rehab with all private rooms to help you get stronger" once he was admitted. At no point did we say "you live here now" or "you're here because mom can't care for you anymore". Going forward, this allowed us to hedge when dad wanted to come home saying it was the doctor's decision to make. 

I arranged ahead of time to arrive at the MCF just as they were doing afternoon snack and movie matinee in the main activity space. I picked a day it was ice cream. We told dad he was seeing a new doctor about some mobility issues he was having. As soon as we arrived at the door, the activities director swooped in and hustled him off to the movie introducing him to 2 friendly residents and handing him ice cream. Then she shood us away. 

Driving home was awful. I would suggest having someone meet you there and drive you home. Maybe even have them for dinner that first night. Some places strongly suggest not visiting for 2 weeks to allow the PWD to adjust and bond with their care team. We didn't do that and dad was pretty nasty for a good 2 weeks. I found it useful to visit with my mother so I could control the situation. The one time she went alone, he cornered her in his room and excoriated her. I was able to keep him in the public areas of the facility where he had just enough bandwidth to showtime. TBH, I was amazed when he settled as quickly as he did. About 6 weeks after admission we used medical transport to get him to his urologist for his ADT shot. After we offered to do lunch, but he just wanted to "go home" meaning the MCF. 

I don't need to know how you paid for it,  how you got furniture, etc,  but what did you tell your LO? Did a friend help?  How did you get your LO in the door and then leave?  Knowing your experiences will help me decide what I could do.

Reach out to staff about your concerns. They do this all the time and can help you. If you can have a friend help, I would suggest that especially for the ride home. 

I know you didn't ask. The place we chose had their own furniture as an included option. This worked well with our fiblet. I decorated it like a concierge hospital room/Holiday Inn. As time went on, we brought a few things from home to personalize a bit. I found it really helpful to never visit empty handed anyway. I might bring a mascot pillow ahead of a football game, a milk shake, a portion of a favorite meal for the staff to heat for his dinner, coffee. The MCF had a shadow box at each suite's door. I included copies of some photographs of dad from happier times as a way for him to find his room and to humanize him for staff (I needn't have worried, they were exceptionally warm and kind).

Good luck.

HB

Sligo177

Hi DorisEmma,

Yup, this is a tricky part, could be easy or not...With my DH, he was hospitalized, then went to a rehab for over a month, and when the day came to bring him to MC, I simply went to his room, and said, we are going to go to a better rehab today, are you ready?  And he was happy and said yes. Everyone at the rehab was very sweet to us as we left, and I put him in my car.  I played Elvis music, and the sun was shining, and we had about a 10-15 minute drive to MC.  Not  a word about what came next, just enjoying the moments.  We entered, they were ready for us, we spent time looking at his apartment and chatting, and after a while, I said I would be back.  He was pretty mad when I left, I said I'd be back but it didn't help.  I would say, just make sure a caregiver or someone in the facility is there to smooth it over.  Since then, I've been there virtually every day, so many changes, ups and downs.  But that's how I got him there.  Good luck to you!!!

Gig Harbor

Hi DorisEmma,

I told my husband that I had to have surgery and that I would be in the hospital for two weeks. I said that a really nice place had been recommended for him to stay at. When we got there his room was ready (I had done it the day before). He was a bit put out and asked how long he had to stay there. I reminded him about my surgery and said I wished I didn’t have to have it but that I would be back in two weeks when I was better. The staff kept reminding him that I was in the hospital. When I went back in a little over two weeks he had settled in well. I said I had been released to visit him but I had to back to the hospital. After the third week he never asked to come home.

DorisEmma

To harshedbuzz who asked -  I am curious why you would consider placing DH in a place that is presumably some distance away. Is this a situation where you are expected to pass before he does, and you'd prefer not to move him twice or inconvenience your DD in the role of POA? Or is what's available to you locally awful? Or is it a matter of one state offering Medicaid coverage for MC but not the other. (I considered placing dad in a MCF in NJ in case he outlived his assets in order that he would remain in a MC rather than SNF)

We have one child who a few months ago had her first child.  Even before the pregnancy, I told her that I would want my DH to be close to her since I expected to be there more as I aged.  She researched and visited MC facilities in her area and I did visit the 2 she felt were the best.  Our primary physician suggested I look into a local assisted living facility with a MC unit in case I need to have a place before the one in her city is available.  It would be much easier placing him in our town but at the same time our daughter can assist more if he is there.  Now the grandson could visit along with our DD and SIL.   I am not sure how much time I may spend in her city as I get older.  I can foresee being there a lot.  In the near future she will even have a place for me to live or stay for long periods.  So I am pulled.  Maybe when I am older and not as capable, I could move both of us to her city.  

To all of you, thank you for your stories.  I found all of them helpful, giving me thoughts on how to handle the situation.  Also I greatly appreciate your support. .