thinks she’s coming home…help

Mckangel

New Year’s Day my mother chewed me out for putting her in Assisted Living. Today, she has been telling her friend/sitter that I talked to the lady that owns the place and told her (the mystery lady)that she was going home in a few weeks. I don’t know if she pieced this together from something I said, or someone else said, or she heard wrong or if it’s completely out of the blue. I did tell her Monday that I hoped it was temporary; but she has never seen or heard me talk to the director., who happens to be a young man. While I’m glad this thought has put her in a better mood, I don’t necessarily want her to have false hope, or go around telling other people this. I hate to crush her hope, and all I can pray is that she will forget about it, but once she has a thought it seems to be imbedded. I actually did speak to the director by phone today to get an update on how she was doing. He said she seemed very depressed and she had a hallucination that someone fell in her room. She could have meant down the hall, but regardless, it didn’t happen. I took her Christmas tree down today and said I would put the ornaments back in her containers and she said don’t worry about doing that I’ll do it when I get home. I didn’t say anything- it was later I got the call telling me she thought she was coming home soon. Any advice on how to handle this situation? I know this is rambling and thanks for reading through it. I’m just a bit freaked out right now.

M1

Mckangel, I think you just play along and don't make too much of it.  My partner has been in m memory care for nine months and has no sense of time, talks every time I see her of coming home/why am I not bringing her home, or of moving to Texas (childhood home) any day now.  It is hard to listen to, and I can't divert her most of the time.  Most of our visiting has to be in group settings because she is all over me if we are alone together, which is quite sad, because I would love to spend more time with her.  but she doesn't remember any of this from visit to visit, will tell me each time I see her that I haven't been there in a year.

CanyonGal

 It makes her feel better to say she is going home. It doesn’t matter if it is true or false.

My mother told lots of people she was moving in with me. There was never any discussion about it. It was one way of consoling  herself to her situation. I just listened, didn’t correct, and redirected to another topic. 

I sometimes tell her she needs extra help with people who have medical training, where I don’t have those skills. I have told her I am unable to meet her needs 24/7 so she is where she is at the advice of her medical team.

I tell her at times I know she is unhappy there, but for today I don’t have a better solution. 

It is not uncommon for people to ask family and friends to remove them from a facility or to feel guilty for placing them there. Stay the course. It is in everyone’s best interest.

Rather Not Say

This is personally my greatest fear when it comes to placing my mom somewhere she does not want to be. I commend those that are strong enough to stay the course, but I saw what it did my family when it came to my grandmother. They were never the same after she passed away in a nursing home. Every single time when we would visit her as a child she would ask to come home, and granted I probably did not help matters because as a kid I would also ask how come we cannot bring Grandma home, always pointed out how unhappy see seemed. Even when she was dying she would beg and cry to come home so she can go amongst family and in the comfort of her own home. While she did not have dementia she did suffer from a brain infection that did leave in somewhat of a dementia like state. Though, you have to do what you have to do, you cannot give up your whole life for your LO stay the course and be strong and understand this is for the better. Often dementia is a series of sh-- choices, often no real "good" option is available. 

My mom doctors have told me if it does not hurt her and it makes her feel better live in her reality. What is painful for you may bring great joy to her in that moment, as the one with ability reason often you have to sacrifice your own sanity in that moment to make sure they are okay. Just know that you are doing this not only for yourself but also your parent. Doing what you can to make them happy in an unfamiliar is often all you can do, but it may mean the world to them. When my mom is in the want to go home mood, I sit down as talk to her about home, I ask her to tell me about grandma, and grandpa. What they were like, how was it like going to school, tell me about her childhood home, how my uncles and aunts were as kids. May not be the case for everyone, but I found when my mom asks to go home it is her way of saying she lonely and wants some interaction. 

Ci2Ci

Fortunately, my LO saying that she "wants to go home" hasn't ever bothered me emotionally because my home/lifestyle (where she's been the past 15 months) was an upgrade for her in so many ways. And, now, she has no idea where "home" is.  

Humorous anecdote: My LO is in geri psych now for about 5 weeks. One day, when talking with her on the phone she said: "My apartment is being remodeled. I happened upon this place, and I like it. I think that I'll stay here."

Okay, but, she still constantly asks me to come pick her up....from the dance hall; a hotel; a school; a teacher's conference; a Christian retreat; Disney; etc. (Never a hospital.)

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Mckangel

Thank you all, for your support. I’m steeling myself for the next onslaught of anger from my mother. Yesterday she was told by someone that I “had paid the rent” which is true , for January. One of her nieces, who is in AL herself, tried talking to my mother in regards to, “your daughter is doing all she can”.  I SO appreciated this, and hope it will sink in. My mother’s comments have been that I , her daughter, have been been looking out for myself.  Reality is that if I was doing that, I wouldn’t be spending my potential inheritance on her care. Anyway, thanks to you all for the advice & support. 

-Angel