Unexpected reaction at memory care

saltom

Today My daughter, SIL and I took my DH to a family home board and care. He thought we were going for a car ride and to see  how the wood worker had repaired his night table. (Table had to be taken to care facility and its repair requirement was part of the fibbing to get stuff out of our house). We got there at lunch time. DH didn't want any lunch but did sit and watch TV, then saw his room and sat in the recliner to watch TV there. No problems, he just accepted everything. When it was time to leave, I said my doctor had prescribed rest and relaxation for me, and that I may need some tests that required a night's stay in the hospital. I said I knew the care facility was a good safe place for DH and that would make my rest easier. He agreed he was in a safe place with nice people, but he nearly came unglued that I would be home alone and not well. He was very concerned for my safety. This really surprised me, the dementia plus depression, anxiety and ocd usually makes him quite self-centered especially in new surroundings. I assured him I would wear his medical alert button when I was home, and my daughter assured him she would call to make sure I was safe.  He very reluctantly relented, and called later that evening to check on me. I was all primed for him to be verbally aggressive against staying there and could barely leave before bursting into tears.  I must admit, he called even later that night and said the dinner was lousy and could I come get him. He did accept my lie that I had to wait until my doctor gave the OK before I could visit him or bring him home. I know he'll settle in eventually, and I can visit him, but it is so very hard especially when one has to create major and minor fibs to make it all work.

Pat6177

My thoughts are with you as you go through this transition. May it go smoothly for both of you.

eaglemom

We can read and even think through in our minds how we'll personally handle this situation when it comes up. To me this has gone quite well for your DH, and I think that is because you had a plan. As for how your handling it, it's tough. I'm certain your emotions are all over the place.

Your statement is true, hopefully he'll settle in & not ask / call to go home. This is a huge change for the both of you. Take it day by day and you will get through it.

eagle

jfkoc

Fiblets ect are hard but I remember thinking that they were like being a child again....playing...using my imagination. I remembered tea parties and being a princess ...those abilities  saw me through many rough times.

JoseyWales

The moving in day is such a hard day. It sounds like you did a good job. 

How has he been today? How have you been today?

saltom

Josey,  Thanks for asking. DH has been as I rather expected. He called me four times a bit confused and agitated. First time DH said he was going to load up the truck and meet me somewhere. Last time he was upset and thought I was on death's doorstep and why wasn't I in the hospital. All four times I repeated I had talked to my doctor on the phone and she suggested I get some rest and relaxation to regain my strength so I could take care of him, that I love  him and miss him. He had calmed down by the end of all the calls, said he was going to watch the football game and he was there if I needed him and he loves me.  At home I have had two major crying jags which were actually therapeutic and enjoyed the luxury of shopping and completing a meal without having to rush home to relieve the caregiver or being interrupted by DH needs. My crying is for his anxiety in a new place and my grieving the retirement life we thought we would have had.  We will both get through this. It just takes time and patience which is not one of my virtues.  The care home staff said he ate and interacted with the other residents today which is a good sign.