VENT: Balancing my wants and their needs

LadyTexan

Yesterday, I learned, from my mother's caregiver, that my mom fell in her bathroom at home on Thursday. The caregiver states that my mom appears physically okay but that both my parents are rattled. I further learned from the caregiver that my dad is considering placing my mom in a facility out of state. My dad told the caregiver that he had consulted "with the kids" about placement. I am one of their 3 living children. We all live locally. I consulted with my siblings. My dad had, in fact talked with my brother about placing my mom. My dad had not talked with my sister or me.

I was dumbstruck that I was learning this from the caregiver and not my dad.

As my mom's spouse and primary caregiver, I recognize my dad has the right to make the caregiving decisions. As a former caregiver spouse, with in the trenches experience caring for my Dearly Departed Husband with EOAD I consider myself a viable resource for placement discussions, caregiving solutions, venting, and hands on respite care. I appreciate that I am my dad's baby (even at 57 years young) and consulting with me does not come natural to his upbringing and engineering mind.

I appreciate that I am currently reacting to the situation emotionally (hence the vent). My highest priority is the health, welfare and happiness of my parents. I am somewhat stung by being excluded from this very important discussion regarding my mother's care. I will simmer down. In the meantime I had to vent before my brain exploded. 

1. I want what's best for my folks. 
2. I am not the boss of them. 
3. My frustration at being excluded, is not important in the scheme of my mother's care or my dad being supported as he navigates the difficult road of caregiving. 

But holy smokes, it stings. PLUS (and maybe this is why I am having a hissy fit) I think placing my mom in an out of state facility is not the best option for my mom or my dad. However, I am not having any caregiving related discussions with anyone until I simmer down.

THANK YOU for allowing me to vent.

loveskitties

Dear Lady T,

I can well understand your feeling on this as my mother often bypassed me to seek advice from my children.

What I did was to "prime" the kids with information, so that they in turn could provide same to mother.

Depending on your relationship with your brother, that might work for you.  

Providing some of the pitfalls of out of state placement for your brother to pass on would seem to be in order before financial commitments are made to said place.

Wishing you the best as you travel this road again.

Quilting brings calm

You are obviously doing the right thing by calming down  first,  but boy it’s hard to do so, isn’t it? .  

Did your brother know why your dad was considering ‘out of state’?  Does he somehow think it’s better financially or care wise?  Does your mom have siblings wherever he is talking about?  

I’m wondering if your dad is having some cognitive issues of his own.

I certainly agree with you that having your mom somewhere where none of you are isn’t a good thing for any of you.  It’s not a good thing for him either.  He’s not going to be able to travel there on any kind of a frequent basis.   None of you are, yet you will need to.  

I’m going to suggest something that will be difficult and controversial.  Is your mom still at the point where she could sign new POA and medical POA forms and list you or your siblings instead of your dad? 

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Emily 123

I wonder if he thinks he's sparing you, given all the care you had recently given your husband?  Or, as you say, you're still the baby.  Frustrating--I know you have lots of valuable experience to share.

CanyonGal

Quilting brings calm wrote:

I’m going to suggest something that will be difficult and controversial.  Is your mom still at the point where she could sign new POA and medical POA forms and list you or your siblings instead of your dad? 

This is a good point. The POA and medical may not be valid in another state. 

LadyTexan

Thanks everyone. I am in a much better frame of mind today. It is both amazing and concerning how I can become so wound up so quickly.

I had a constructive discussion with my dad over coffee this morning. We agreed that I will continue to assist caring for my mom at home. Placement may be an option down the road, but no specific parameters were determined about "when its time for placement". By parameters, I mean, for example, 

1. PWD will be placed if they become double incontinent
2. PWD will be placed if they become a danger to themselves/others because of delusions
3. PWD will be placed if the physical health and well being of the caregiver or the PWD is at risk 

I emphasized that I am here to support, not hinder his care for my mom. I am not trying to bulldoze myself into their situation, but I am a useful resource ready, willing and able to assist.. 

The immediate need, as I see it, is for my dad to know and feel he is supported. I am encouraging him to network with other caregivers at in person meetings and on this forum. I am further encouraging him to get respite when the caregiver is with my mom. We talked about specific activities he can pursue to get out of the house. Just him having coffee with me is an opportunity for him to vent and decompress. 

One specific deliverable is that I will set up an agreed upon schedule for me to augment current caregiver coverage. I will also contribute by meal planning and preparation. 

A huge benefit to the conversation this morning is ensuring a constructive dialog is nurtured. 

I appreciate your thoughts, support and feedback. Thank you again for allowing me to vent. I am grateful for your patience and understanding.

SusanB-dil

LadyT - glad it seems to have worked out.  Almost sounded like he didn't think about what he did, just overall.  Not so sure you were 'wound up so quickly', considering all these circumstances we will NEVER get used to with 'this'!