Rant(1)

Lizzielou

I hate my life. DH has FTD and “won’t” is his middle name. He won’t shower, shave, brush his teeth, change his clothes, wear Depends, stop taking food out of the freezer at night and putting it in the oven,  turn off lights or water, sleep in his bed, and the list goes on.

He is taking Olanzapine and Depakote which I don’t believe is helping.

I have tried to move him into a memory care facility but was “disinvited” from one when his behavior was so bad, and he refuses to go to the second choice.

I am so tired and discouraged.  How do people deal with this?  I hate to get up in the morning.

jfkoc

Sounds like he is overall unreasonable and that is NOT something anyone wants any part of.

I, from experience, advise taking stoppers out of all sinks and using up all frozen foods. I would let him sleep where he wants and I would remove bulbs from all no essential lights.

Showering? A "group" shower worked here. Imade it an "event" with orange sherbet as incentive. It was likeLet's take our shower and then have  some sherbet, Might give it a try.

Approach is all important and it takes a lot of creativity to end up with a win/win.

Picking ones battles is also a way of surviving.

Others will share what worked or did not work for them.

Please let  us know...your sharing helps all of us.

Quilting brings calm

I wonder if some  reverse psychology might work.   

‘Honey, I know you haven’t had a shower today, but I need you not to take a shower or brush your teeth because I need to clean the bathroom’.  If he’s being a pain to be a pain( as a child sometimes is) he might jump right in just to annoy you. 

Honey, I’m so glad you wore that outfit again - that way I don’t need to do your laundry  today. Honey I’d like for us to go get ice cream, but they require clean clothes there. It’s a rule- I don’t make the rules’.    Might work, might not but you can at least chuckle to yourself. 

Just let him sleep where he wants and wear the same clothes.  When an opportunity arises,  grab whatever he takes off and put it immediately in the washer.  

Keep very little in the freezer.  Stop fixing meals like that, just buy mostly things that can be kept in the refrigerator for sandwiches and side dishes. He’s probably not far from needing  to eat finger foods anyway.    Start ordering groceries, picking them up or having them delivered.  Yes, there’s a minimum - add a package of toilet paper, paper towels, etc to get to it.  

Mostly remember that this behavior will eventually change to something else.  You just need to get through it and you just have to accept he won’t always be clean and presentable. 

Belldream

If this isn't too convenient for you, and if you have an electric stove,turn the circuit breakers off at night. I've started doing that and realized I feel so much better sleeping at night. I don't have solutions for the other things, but definitely following for any advice.

Just Bill

Yeah it sucks. I can't count the times I have said that to myself and tell myself I can't take this anymore. But pretty quickly I gather myself because I have no options but to handle this myself and there is no where to go and nothing to do but suck it up buttercup and handle the situation one episode at a time. The only tools in your toolbox are meds and a positive attitude. Once you know you are trapped and there is no way out, you will be surprised how quickly your brain adapts to your new life. Meds are a crap shoot. It is best to have a neurologist that will prescribe meds based on symptoms. It may take a while to find the right cocktail and then when you find it you will need to make adjustments as the brain deteriorates. Imagine being a clown at a kids birthday party 24/7 and embrace that role. Make sure you carve out some time for yourself everyday to meditate, workout, paint, practice music, whatever.... Then put your big red nose on and go to work when you have to and enjoy the ride. One more thing, live in the moment. Living in the moment is usually more pleasant than imagining the next moment. Good luck and hang in there.

MaryG123

Please consider finding a psychiatrist to prescribe appropriate behavioral meds.  It will make his life, as well as yours and any other caregivers, much calmer.  I doubt you will be able to continue caring for him safely without them.  My DH has MCI due to chronic traumatic encephalopathy and has been under the care of a psychiatrist for 20 years.  It’s been a lifesaver for both of us.

Iris L.

Ditto Mary.  Also, give him a simple repetitive activity such as raking leaves.   This will serve to tire him out.

Iris

Joydean

Lizzielou sorry you are going through this. I have to keep in my mind what dh’s doctor said, to realize he is my patient and I am his caregiver. It’s hard but it does help. Your dh is “won’t “ mind can only say “why”.  Because he is always cold I tell him come on I’ll give you a nice warm shower, why, I then have to think of some reason because he will always tell me I’ve already given him a shower. The best one that works for me is by telling him his bottom hurts because he’s been going to bathroom a lot. Sometimes it works and sometimes not. When I help him get out of his clothes at bedtime I just kinda kick his dirty clothes to the side, get him in bed and take dirty clothes straight to the laundry room, and lay out clean clothes for morning. 

If your dh can still do all the things for himself then this probably won’t work for you. Hang in there, you can do this! Prayers for you. 

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RobertsBrown

Good rant.  Totally get it.

I have been working on not losing my mind for about two years now, and I think I am doing pretty good.  I had to accept a lot of crap that I absolutely would never accept from any healthy person, but that's the deal, right?  Actual physical real brain damage gives them a free pass and makes us the responsible party.

ImMaggieMae

For some people, the right medications can make all the difference in the world. The problem is often finding a doctor, neurologist, whatever who understands dementia and will prescribe the right ones. And the right ones seem to be different for everyone. It was a hospital pharmacist who prescribed the antipsychotic drug for my DH during a week long hospital stay that resulted from an ER visit. He was never aggressive, just bouncing off the walls day and night with repetitive behaviors. 6 months later a hospital pharmacist and later his neurologist who fine tuned the meds. I made it clear that I was determined to keep him at home. He is much better now in so many ways than he was a year ago. He still has memory problems and I still need to be with him 24/7, but he is kind and cooperative and I enjoy being with him.

Another Day

Taking things out of the freezer.....we're there! That's been going on for several years. Working the freezer down only works so long. I need some no fuss, ready to go into the oven meals for those days when things are screwy. My DH doesn't put things in the oven though, he only makes it as far as placing ______whatever on the counter or in the dishrack. 

The "won't" shower, brush teeth etc. This is what's working for me at this time - I announce that it's Tuesday (or whatever day) and we have to get showers now. Just be very matter of fact. My DH does not like cold, so I make a big production of how I've just warmed the bathroom for him, so he needs to get in there now. If he hesitates, I mention about the electric bill ......it's going to be even higher if I have to keep turning the space heater on. 

Bottom line is do what you have to do, say whatever you have to say and move on. 

Don't forget to take care of you. Are you eating, taking your vitamins and supplements, etc.? Venting on here is a good step, it's harmless, plus you know we're all in the same boat. 

ghphotog

I have to get my DW in the shower this morning and it's always a drama. Even more so because today I need to wash her hair so much crying and emotion. I don't really have a trick to do it other than just saying today is shower day and let's get over with.

Just Bill

Shower day in our house is drama filled too. Lately I have been taking advantage of her wanting to be with me and do things with me. I use that as momentum to get her in the shower by saying it's shower day for both of us who wants to go first ? She always goes first but resists less when she knows I am next. I prepare everything before hand, towels, water temp and whatever barrier between her and the shower, real or imagined is eliminated. After she is dry and in clean clothes I load up on the positive reinforcement of feeling fantastic after a shower, and she agrees. She gets that little happy adrenaline rush you get after doing something you don't want to do and now its over.

Pat6177

In addition to all the above suggestions, maybe you might consider talking to your dr about an antidepressant for you? Being in the trenches is tough.