Is it ever ok to just be blunt?

Mckangel

My mother called me today - I “put her in AL November 11th ,” due to hallucination/paranoia about people on TV being able to see/hear her. She woke me today from a sound sleep and told me she was going home tomorrow. I tried to de-escalate by trying to get  her to tell me what had upset her. She did not want to tell.me, and even apologized for waking me up. She said she could call my “brother-in -love” who has  been like a son to her and brother to me since  my sister left him and our whole family  25+ years ago. I called him immediately, and as we were talking, my mother called him.He lives close to the AL facility she resides in.  He didn’t answer, and was grateful I gave him a heads up.I also gave my mothers friend/sitter a heads up.My mother called this lady and kept her on the phone for over a hour. My question- is it ever ok or advisable to tell her the reason she is in AL,is because she was having delusions/hallucinations? I find it so hard to lie to my mother, but sometimes I wonder if in her lucid moments, I should tell her why she is there. Thank you, any input is appreciated.

- angel 

M1

Angel I don't expect that being blunt would work any better than anything else you've tried.  Sounds to me like she needs to lose the phone.  I know that sounds harsh, but that would probably solve at least some of the problems.  My partner has not had a phone since she was hospitalized last March, but one day there were nursing students on the floor, and I received about twenty calls that day--she talked each student into using their phone to call me incessantly.  She walks around the memory care unit with about twenty pieces of paper in her pocket, all of which have my phone number on them.

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mommyandme (m&m)

After mom asked me things like, “what is wrong with me” or “why am I doing theses things?”, I asked her back, “do you know what dementia/Alzheimer’s is?” , she said “no”.  That’s when I knew discussing the reality or reasoning with her would no longer be a reasonable interaction.   She got herself diagnosed and was an RN, but there still came a time when pointing out reasons for her new reality was futile.  

Whatever makes her feel more comfortable in the moment should be your go to.  Reassuring her, validating her feelings, taking blame even when you’re not at fault, showing her love (even when you’re not feeling it) etc… As caregivers, we must accept and adjust because our LOs cannot.  

This is a hard job, sorry for your struggles. 

Quilting brings calm

I think what you are asking is if you should  tell her that her stay isn’t temporary, because she is trying to get people to help her leave.  Because you know she can’t live on her own anymore.  You can tell her that, but she probably won’t remember it. She’s also probably going to be agitated every time you tell her.    All you can do is point out all the benefits of where she is versus all the drawbacks of where she was.   If where she was isn’t available any more, tell her that.  

In my case, my parents know where they are and that it’s not temporary.  My mom ( stage 4) understands why and agrees it’s the level of care they need.  My step-dad ( also stage 4) continues to complain  that they could live on their own because he’s stubborn and paranoid about the money.  No one is going to help them move though, so I let him complain.  

CanyonGal

We were honest about it, she has bad judgment. She had a severe fall outside walking the dog and she was lucky someone found her . We also brought up that in ICU she was standing on the bed trying to look out into the hallway. She didn’t remember those things but we had witnesses. She also had hallucinations of a car being parked outside- she could see a car but we saw nothing.

My mother came up with the saying “this is temporary” when she was moved to memory care. I didn’t correct her because that seemed to sooth her that it was okay to be there. She is there for more care and safety reasons. We were advised by her medical team to place her there (true statement).

Sometimes when she was insisting on leaving I would say its dark outside so nothing is going to happen today, or it’s the weekend, or it’s winter, or whatever delay I can come up with. It takes months for some people even without dementia to adjust to a different living arrangement.

Marta

Sure!  You can be blunt!  But be prepared to deal with the fallout. What would it solve - allow you to blow off steam?

Think outside the box and come up with fiblets that allow you to deflect. Nothing is off limits with dementia!  Something preposterous will allow you to get back at dementia!

Jgirl57

So sorry this is so hard. When I finally convinced myself to replace the word “lie” with

“fiblet” , that helped me say what would help in the moment. The problem with 

lucid moments is that the PWD won’t always remember what was decided /discussed.

The good news for me now is that fiblets are getting easier to tell. The bad news is…..fiblets.  getting easier to tell….( decline is happening). Hang in there. 

Wilted Daughter

Angel

If you believe that being candid with your mom about why she is in AL will stop her from wanting to leave/go home, I don't think that being candid is going to remedy the situation to that end. 

If she is paranoid and hallucinates, how do you believe she will understanding reasoning. Save the direct approach for speaking with someone who possess logical comprehension.

Instead try:

1. Reassure and comfort to validate their needs

2. Avoid reasoning and explanations

3. Validate, redirect, and distract

www.dailycaring.com/when-someone-with-alzheimers-says-I-want-to-go-home-3-ways-to-respond

*Speak with nursing staff and her PCP for suggestions as well.

Lori H

Hello. I just joined this morning and was browsing the posts. I just wanted to thank you for what you said. I am realizing, after this past very rough week with my dad, that logic, explanation, justification, and reason can no longer be used when talking about his upcoming move to memory care. I feel like I am trying to explain to him why I have made this decision and all it does is agitate him. He keeps asking what he did wrong. It’s an incredibly unsettling feeling to know that he is no longer the dad I had all my life, but it will benefit him if I can just calm, reassure, deflect and distract because I don’t want to make him feel worse. Such a learning curve!

Ci2Ci

Mckangel, such great posts by others.

I was always open, honest, and transparent about my LO's condition of dementia. Even found a dense booklet about dementia at the library (free to keep) that she read & reread with interest.  I created an FAQ (frequently asked questions) for her, which she would refer to when she had those burning questions about her life, where memory failed her. That seemed to satisfy her.

But, then in November, she had a huge downturn. Having paranoia like your LO and losing awareness of her environment (and me) as a permanent feature, not just a fleeting blip.  Now, sadly, the above explanations and re-orienting no longer work. She no longer seems to have the understanding that she can't live alone, where she realized that before. 

I now tell her that she had a mini stroke (possibly true), and it has affected her memory & thinking. (That seems to be more understandable to her.) That she needs to be where she is* to get better. Allowing her to think that it is temporary. I don't even mention where "here" is.

* At this new stage, she can't make out where "here" is by context/visual clues. In hospital, she thought she was in a hotel; a school; a teacher's conference; a church retreat; Disney; a dance hall. 

I'm in new territory here. And, now I'm just trying to ride along with her mind (as it changes from moment to moment). As others, now employing the "therapeutic fiblets". 

Wishing us both 'luck'.

Anon1001

Hello, being "blunt", or honest and direct, or whatever you want to call it, may not make a difference, as she will likely forget in a few hours anyway, given her advanced state of dementia.  Telling her that you placed her in assisted living because she is having delusions/hallucinations may have hurt her feelings, or made her feel as if she was incapable of caring for herself somehow.  You may wish to tell her instead that the assisted living facility is a senior citizen community, with luxury amenities such as cooking/cleaning/basic everyday help, and that you wanted to indulge her in her later years, and make sure she is well cared for.  

What does she watch on tv that leads her to believe that people on tv are communicating with her?  Explain to her that that would be considered stalking or a form of obsession, and that people on tv would be prevented from doing such things, and then leave it at that.  It sounds like there is some underlying emotional stress or agitation that is leading her to act like this, and discussions with a therapist or social worker may help