How to deal with Manipulative Elderly Family Members

Wilted Daughter

This post is runoff from another post. Mom and her 4 remaining siblings are manipulative and, at least in my mom's case, have an inflated sense of self-importance (narcissistic). 

The narcissism is the lesser of the two evils and in my mom's case appears to be compensation for physical/mental decline. All roads in a conversation lead back to mom. 

The manipulative behaviors of them all is deemed hardwired personality/DNA. They don't acknowledge it, but embrace it, and utilize it (Gaslighting). By telling you what to do and how to think and feel about the things they do/say, I believe, gives them a sense of control in a situation (only in their minds). This is toxic and dysfunctional from my point of view, but accepted and normalized by them. The behaviors are more like spirits looming overhead, so I wish to avoid them, not associate nor communicate. 

They are all between 79-91 years of age and only my mother (age 91) has had a mental evaluation (to my knowledge). Dealing with my mother is difficult enough...I'm all for severing the ties.

SusanB-dil

Did you sever those ties as yet?  They are not the ones caring for her, and you don't need to have all that negative drama on top of everything else.  Have you blocked their numbers? You need to take care of you and watch out for your mom.

We had a 'friend' of the family who would call my mom on occasion.  She would get her all agitated and riled and when she finally hung up, my brother would get the inevitable hostility and temper tantrum. Before brother got rid of that phone, he blocked that person's number. With her newer phone, mom can only call certain numbers now. We never did give that person the new number, of course.

We had a family member taking advantage of MIL and was telling her some things that were very detrimental. We actually had her and her daughter 'trespassed', blocked their numbers, and no contact is allowed.

Wilted Daughter

Susan...

Yes they are blocked. I've been in the process of blocking, notifying to not trespass/or come over, sending letters of disassociation, etc. for 3 years, it's tiring. It began with businesses (toll free ones on TV), then her 'frenemies' and now one by one her siblings. All these contacts are unhelpful to me, but perhaps satisfy some need for socialization for mom (how crazy is that).

The uncle at 80ish yrs old/who lives in another state threaten me, so I sent emails to his wife & kids informing that the police/protective services have been notified. 

Mom doesn't appear to really understand the gravity of the situation and the toll it takes on me. It seems like she longs for attention from them/anyone, while expecting me to be her servant until death.

Thank you for your response.

Marta

You are the only one who can change this dynamic. 

Perhaps begin by not feeling/acting as though you’re a victim and just refuse to engage with them. Believe in yourself. 

[Deleted User]

The user and all related content has been deleted.

Wilted Daughter

Victoria2020, 

This post is fallout to recent incident last week. What has been done is done and what has been said is said. I have taken courses of action to address threats to safety/health...that is done and at this point I am not concerned about family, police, or lawyers. 

Something's cannot be ignored and need to be addressed. Communications to family members or others are similar to 'cease and desist', 'no trespass', etc. and for the record. I do not have time to repeat and continue family drama. This is my last day speaking to it as I have properly documented the incident and no more can be done at this time. 

As for stopping mom from using the phone, it is an ongoing issue which I have yet to completely resolve. I have blocked calls on all phones, but mom still calls whomever she wants and I do not know how to address. Sometimes, I take one of the phones off the hook to give us peace. I don't expect this to go on much longer as mom is slowing down and phone time  may self-correct or resolve naturally, but until it does I am living with phone stress (LOL). Hospice is involved and POA, Invoked Health Care Proxy, etc. make it easier for me to manage healthcare, HIPPA issues. 

Thank you all for your time to read/respond. Best wishes to you all and your families throughout the new year!