Confusing my uncle for her husband

Josephpyle

Hello, 

My Grandmother has middle stage.  Since she was 35 she lived with her husband, who is now in a nursing home and suffers from late stage dementia.  

When the family figured out they, my grand parents,  could not take care of themselves, we moved her to another state to stay with my uncle, her son.  

I came to visit for the holiday and learned she cannot be alone.  So I have stayed to help take care of her.  

She seems to have this confusion, or block that my uncle is her husband.  She gets very frustrated when we try to explain to her that he is not her husband and her son.  I have tried different techniques to get through this mental block,  pictures, recalling past experiences. But she is not remembering or understanding that he is not her husband.  

It's troubling and I don't think she will ever except this.  She gets very angry. And I'm not sure what to do.  She thinks he's taking money from her. She does not want to be in his house. I think she is a little scared. And she non-stop wants to leave.  She has nit tried to run away. But my fear is that will be the next step.  

If anyone has any insight or suggestions I would be forever greatful.  

Joseph Pyle

SusanB-dil

Hi Joseph - Welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason.

Don't try to reason with your grandmother.  Her reasoning is broken and will only be frustrating for both of you.  Does she have a Neurologist or a Primary care doc?  They may be able to prescribe a med for the agitation. She may be recognizing her son as the younger husband she is remembering. I think it is the agitation, however, that is more concerning at this time.

And yes, a number of us have run into this 'mistaken identity'.  We are caring for MIL, but I also deal with my mom. Mom thinks I am her sister, and it is odd that it is usually when she calls. I can usually 'read' her mood over the phone, and sometimes I can correct, and sometimes I just let it roll. Just go with the flow...     Again, there is family resemblance, and mom is most likely remembering her sister when they were younger.  (even though over phone - but also visits)

There are also instances where a PWD is seeing 'someone else' in the mirror. It is thought to be most likely because they are thinking of a younger self, so, that person in mirror couldn't be them.  Kind'a same principle. 

Kay82

Just a thought, is it possible to move her to the facility where is her husband is?

Sending prayers for you and your family. 

Ed1937

Joseph, welcome to the forum. Sorry you have a need for it.

What you are referring to is not uncommon at all. Trying to reason or to show proof is not a game you will win. Unfortunately, she likely is living in the past now, and sees someone living with her that is younger must be her husband. It might be hard for you to accept, but when you do accept that it is her disease causing this, it will be easier for both of you.

Josephpyle

Thanks for the response!.  

The agitation actually comes from her wanting to get away from him.  I believe that they relationship was not so great the last few years that they were caring for themselves.  Not actually being there on a regular basis, I can't really say if it's the dementia or not.  

That being said,  putting them back together would probably cause more damage then good. 

CatsWithHandsAreTrouble

I have a friend who mentioned a relative of hers would mistake her son for her husband and her DIL as a side chick. My mom occasionally thinks I'm her sister and her reflections as her own mom. 

One thing that has helped me with my mom "recognizing" me is introducing myself whenever I enter the same room as mom or when she hasn't focused on me in a while and suddenly realizes that I am there. I don't know how much she can understand from that but I'm one of the few people she calls by name now and generally gives me a positive reaction when I introduce who I am.

I'd say something like "hi mom! It's CWhat, your child." And she'd either respond happily or ask me if I'm sure. If she doesn't think I'm who I say I am, I just go along with it. If she's not bothered by it, then I won't be.

You and your uncle can try that, introducing who you are when you walk in the room. That way, presumably, her brain would pick up on that before confabulating who is whom. And as others have said, it's a battle you cannot win trying to get PWD to see that you're right and they're wrong.

Though, if she is constantly agitated with seeing your uncle and that can't get under control, you may want to start thinking about having someone else be her caretaker or make different living arrangements if but temporarily.

Sorry that got a bit long. Hopefully you can glean something useful in all that. Take it easy.