Trying to not fight. Vent

CatsWithHandsAreTrouble

This is long so strap in for my complaining.

Apparently the other day my grandmother fell and the word is she's fine just startled and afraid. Which makes sense. My aunt and cousin were trying to get other family members in to sit/watch/reassure gmom for two weeks. For some reason they don't want any lapse in someone there to just watch her. She has an aide that comes in regularly (idk how frequent) and my aunt says that the aide does all the chores and such so we're only really there to be present.

And I get it, I think that's wonderful of them to organize that. My beef is that my aunt made this a Facebook group chat and then my cousin add my younger sister and I into the conversation and said "I know we're all busy doing our own things or whatever but it's grandma! We really need coverage." That really ticked me off.

Our "or whatever " is caring for our mom with dementia. Our "or whatever " is working hard to help dad pay half his bills. If we took the time to drive all the way over to gmom's place just to sit with her, we lose coverage for our own mom AND being able to barely cover the bills.

Another thing that bothered me was how my aunt was insistent on it being only family to watch gmom. This same aunt was the one who refused to spend some time with her own sister, our mom, when dad said he just needed someone to watch her for a while so he could do yard work on the weekend, preferring it be family. Her response was "ask someone at the local church, they have people that can do that."

When my cousin added us to the message, I used all my might to not reply with "gee, have you tried asking your church for help? I heard that they have people for that." I'm sure that would have started a fight with my aunt. And I don't know who all was in that chat so I didn't want to have a spectacle over my beef with my aunt and my cousin's lack of consideration of word choice. 

So I thought about how to respond to it. Mulled it over my ridiculously short lunch break at work. Came up with "thank you for adding me! I would love to help but unfortunately I'm my mom's primary caregiver so I cannot help." And then I removed myself from the chat.

Not looking forward to the next family get-together...

LaurenB

Good response.

Quilting brings calm

Great response,  polite but totally accurate.  If she doesn’t understand you already have  caregiving responsibilities, then that’s on her.

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GwendolynD

What you said is perfect.  You didn't throw gas on the fire, yet politely stated why you could not participate.  

Stay strong

bluegreenjill

Im sorry that you are having to deal with these family issues. It sounds like your aunt is a little control freak and is not going about asking for help in a favorable manner. Im sure she understands your situation with your mom but she could have been a little less passive aggressive with her ask. 

I deal with this same sh-- with my sister who is across the country and does NOTHING to help me and our dad. She wanted to come out for New Years to see us, come to find out she is dating someone a few hours away. Surprise! She only wanted to come out to see us to really see him. She has used all of her vacation time on trips with him and has only visited us once since my Dad has been in Virginia. She promised to visit 3-4 times per year when he moved in with me. and HE PAYS for her flights! Its a free flight! But nope, I just do it all, all the time..

You are doing great and working hard to keep YOUR family up and running. That is what is important.. HUGS

CanyonGal

Good response. People live in their own bubble and forget or ignore the fact that other people may have obligations. Your cousin added you, not your aunt, so perhaps she is oblivious to your situation or just randomly adding family members to help. Try not to read too much into the chat post. You are sensitive because of the previous history. I get it! 

I am not sure what the thought process is over there. Reassuring is great, saying your glad she’s okay, but what is two weeks of watching going to accomplish? What happens after that? Falls are a common occurrence with the elderly. You can be in the same room or in a hospital or in a facility, and a fall can occur because we are not mind readers. We don’t know when someone is going to use bad judgment and fall getting out of bed, or a chair, or walking down a hallway.

ChicagoGal

Great response - polite and concise.

GothicGremlin

Great response, Cats.  Direct, yet polite.  And good for you removing yourself -- with everything you've got going, the last thing you need is more drama.

harshedbuzz

You handled an awkward situation well.

People who are in crisis-mode with their own caregiving responsibilities can be very myopic. It makes me wonder if the curt response you got when you asked for help was the result of you being oblivious to ongoing issues with your grandmother. 

HB

CatsWithHandsAreTrouble

Thank you everyone for your replies. I tend to over think things and worry people take my explanations for excuses and get put off. I thought for sure they'd hate me for not stepping up but I cannot do any more than I already am. I will have to accept that they might not see it that way but I did do what was best for me (and my mom).

I forget who mentioned it but I am indeed cautious about my interactions with aunt due to previous history. At the start of all this she was adamant that nothing was wrong with mom, her sister, claiming she was too young and that their own mom wasn't like that. I didn't know about early onset back then but I knew that her explanations were unhelpful because we could tell something was going on, we just weren't sure exactly what. (She also brought too many people over when dad had a stroke.... Not going to get into that one as I already have a post about that.)

HB, you are absolutely right. I do not know what my aunt's situation was when she refused dad help and instead offered the church to us. I did some reflection about that interaction after I made my post.  My mom's family is particularly religious so maybe she was exercising her faith with her suggestion. I also heard from my dad's retelling of the conversation instead of directly from her so I probably got an skewed retelling from him. I always appreciate your ability to be mindful of both sides in a situation and to remind us when we're only looking from one side.

CatsWithHandsAreTrouble

And I am concerned about my grandmother falling. There's so many questions about the situation and what the long term goals would be going forward but I cannot handle adding that to my list of things to mind. If any of them ask me about it directly, I can share my thoughts but that's all I can manage. She's got a lot of family who know and support her so I think I can place confidence in them to handle it on their own.

SusanB-dil

Hi Cats - totally agreeing that you had a great response. And then came here to vent it out. That worked out great. So many of us sure can relate.  You did better than I probably would have. And yes, you have enough on your plate.