Checking in(4)

White Crane

It's been awhile since I posted anything.  It seems every time I sit down to write something I get interrupted...usually DH comes to see what I'm doing.  Things are going fairly well. DH continues to progress with more confusion and little short term memory.  Now even his memories from his childhood are starting to fade away.  He looks at me sometimes and asks why he can't remember or why can't he operate the TV remotes.  It's hard to know what to say except that I'm sorry things are getting harder for him and it must be very frustrating. 

Some days I burst into tears unexpectedly.  Last week I was putting away laundry and noticed his boots sitting in the closet.  The tears came into my eyes and I just sat on the floor and cried.  He used to enjoy wearing those boots.  Now they sit in the closet unworn for several years.

I'm blessed to have a caregiver come in two days a week for a couple of hours.  DH seems to be getting used to it.  Sometimes though I really don't have anyplace to go and just wander around a store or the library for awhile.  I miss my husband so much.  There are things I want to tell him or share with him but when I try he doesn't understand and by the time I explain it, it has lost it's meaning.  He has forgotten three of our four children and all five of our grandchildren.  When they call he has no idea who he is talking to.  My sadness and grief go deep and I look at him with sad eyes.  For his sake though I try to smile and be cheerful. 

On a positive note, he still enjoys watching basketball on TV so that's what we have been doing in the evenings.  He enjoys his bowl of ice cream every night too.  Little things mean more these days. 

I'm not complaining, just saying that it's hard but that even amidst the sadness I am still blessed to have him still with me.

Brenda

toolbeltexpert

Brenda it's good to see you post. I sure understand your tears and sadness, and I know we all wish we could change this. 

I shaved my beard and mustache yesterday to see if it would help her remember me better, she didn't even notice this morning. Which is understandable. She sees another resident that she thinks is me at times.

I tried to get dw crocheting before I left the mcf this morning when I told her I was leaving to go to work. She told me to be careful.  I hate leaving and so many times my ride home is filled with sorrow and sometimes tears.

Your such a good caregiver and keep plenty of ice cream on hand. 

Ed1937

Brenda, I'm glad you posted. Yes, it's been a while.

I fully understand how you hurt. Many times I've seen things that would interest my wife, and I almost call out her name to share with her, but she's no longer here. It hurts. I am grieving for my wife, and you are grieving for your husband. It's different, but very much the same, if that makes sense.

I'm glad you can still find a few little things to be thankful for. It's amazing how such little things can mean so much. I think it might have been Kay Starr who had the song "Little things mean a lot".

M1

I too am glad to hear from you.  I feel your grief.  I had the same reaction to my partner's beloved cowgirl boots that are lined up in her closet.  But I can't bear to give them away yet.

Mint

Brenda I’m so sorry, know this is so very sad for you and him.  Very hard to watch our loved ones struggling.

Lorita

Brenda, no one who hasn't dealt with this knows how it is - but we've gone through it and know exactly how you're feeling  I've felt the same - thinking of things Charles did or the clothing he wore.  Almost too much to stand.  It's hard to see your loved one lose faculties or memory - the most we can do is to let them know you're there and love them and I know you're doing that.  Some days are harder than others.

Joydean

Brenda it’s good to hear from you. I’m sorry for all the pain you are going through. I understand about the boots. My dh never wore anything other shoe but boots. His are lined up in the closet and I can’t bear the thought that he will never wear them again. My dh enjoys his bowl of ice cream at night too, says he can’t go to sleep without it! It’s the little things that bring joy! 

Prayers for you and your husband!