Anticipatory Grief counseling

RCT

Yesterday I had had my first session with an anticipatory grief counselor (free through a local Hospice center) She was so helpful. We talked about the importance of self care (which she said i could teach her about haha) as well as human emotions like envy (I look at my married friends with envy for how they are enjoying retirement)  We also discussed the need for a support group and friends/neighbors who can help when needed and  looking at future options when he cant stay at home. The most important t thing we talked about is my sadness. As you all know there are so many losses that you experience going through this process with a loved one…great and small. She explained that this sadness is not going away (my husband’s decline is very slow and gradual) so the way to cope is to balance living with the grieving. That made so much sense to me. I had this idea that I was supposed to be feeling something else, but no, learning to live with it is how to move forward. It’s a balancing act. That is not to say that acceptance and gratitude are not part of the equation. They are important too. Thanks for listening.

mrahope

Just writing to say I get it.  My husband's diagnosis changed as well, and I notice I feel much sadness now.  I suppose there is no way out but through.

Marie58

I wonder if DH's hospice has this for caregivers. I've been having a hard time lately. Thanks for the idea.

storycrafter

RCT, thank you for sharing about your session. It's helpful to hear about your process and interaction with your counselor.

I've also been very fortunate to find a good grief/dementia counselor. There's something about acknowledging this experience out loud with others that helps me move into acceptance more fully. And it helps me integrate what's happening in my life.

My husband is in a long, slow decline also. There are many days I wonder if I haven't slipped into an odd sort of conscious denial, since I've been doing this so long that it's become the "norm." Counseling is helping me take some baby steps forward in my self-care. I had fallen into depression and habits of mindless distraction. She's helping me begin to think outside the box of limitations I'd put myself in unaware.

I hope you'll continue sharing your experience. I learn so much reading your post and don't feel quite so alone. Thanks again.

White Crane

Thank you for your post.  "Balance living with the grieving."  My daughter-in-law once made the comment, "Grieve it and go on."  And that's what I have to do in order to continue to function.  Some days the sadness is overwhelming but DH still needs his meals and there are still things that I need to do to take care of myself and him.  At times I sit and cry but then need to get up and continue this journey.  It's a living grief.  Thankfully, there are still moments of joy interspersed with the sadness.  If this weren't so, I fear I would drown in this grief.

alzsarah2

Dear RCT,

Reading your post encourages me to look for an anticipatory grief counselor. My DH is in ES but I see some progression lately. I find myself feeling very irritable so much of the time. I know I have to be more patient, and yet I seem to be less patient. I tell myself I have to practice loving kindness and then I snap at him. I descend into negative self talk and that does me no good. I know he is frustrated at the inability to find words and names and some of the time I am patient and other times I am not. I tell myself that if my mom could do the caregiving of my dad all the years she did, I can do this, too. Mom is my (heavenly) inspiration. I will look for a grief counselor through all.org. Thank you for your post.

alzSarah

Norm 22

The grief and emotional distress are difficult to explain.  DW in memory care since May, now late stage but relatively stable.  I have a good therapist and support from friends and family. Every time I visit (she knows me) it is emotionally damaging, but I have to go. married 44 years.  Feel so helpless to watch her decline, struggle, 95% of what she says makes no sense, only weighs 75 lbs.  Too much for me sometimes. Overwhelmed by a  tsunami of emotion

RCT

I have a challenging time sharing but I am so happy that you who have responded can relate. I am happy I was able to be vulnerable with you. I have another session scheduled in a month. She also explained that my expectations needed to be lowered. I cant hold on to who he was. It’s important to meet him right where he is now. Of course I still get impatient and frustrated but I am changing and that is what she said I must do to move forward.  I need to adjust ,not up to my DH who is sick. He cant change. He has a disease affecting all parts of his brain. I would say he is early mid stage so a long road ahead. I am actually in tears writing this but tears of gratitude for this forum and all that I have….thank you

Joydean

RCT thank you so much for sharing with us. It’s very helpful to me. That’s why I love this forum. Yes the sadness is overwhelming at times but as White Crane said there are moments of joy. Those are the ones I try hard to hold onto. For me I guess the hardest part is when I can tell my husband is feeling sadness too. That’s not often but there are times he will really look at me and I can see the tears in his eyes. That’s when my heart hurts so badly and I feel completely helpless. We have been on this journey for a very long time. 

Thank you again for sharing, it is very helpful.