Little heartbreaks

ElaineD

As you my remember, my DH is in the early stages of Vascular Dementia. 

Yesterday, out of the blue, DH asked me, "what do we use pita bread for?"

DH used to make hummus, babaganoush, tabbuoleh, and I made falafel and a wonderful Syria stew and also a chopped spinach and walnut salad. We hosted many Middle Eastern meals.  And ate at so many and varied restaurants.  Such wonderful food.

I told him that we eat hummus with pita.  He asked if we could use tortillas instead.  My heart breaks when he asks things like this.

I did ask DH if he remembers making hummus and the other dishes.  He said 'no'.  He wasn't upset, he just said no.

He is slowly going away and I miss him!  We've been married over 60 years, and we shared so many things that only he would know about....   

This is very minor compared to where so many of you are in this journey, but you all have been here at the beginning.

Thank you,

Elaine

Berryette

Elaine-  I can picture you cooking together.  And I am very grateful you have those beautiful memories. Even tho it makes loosing them even harder- doesn't it?  My husband owned a small restaurant years ago and he has always been the cook in our family.  He loved sharing his yummy meals with family.  We were the gathering place for so many years.  Good memories.  Family still gathers here in smaller groups, but DH sleeps thru most of them.  I will pray comfort for you and strength for the days ahead.

Pat6177

Oh, ElaineD, there are so many little heartbreaks. There’s the day that I put dinner rolls on the table for supper and DH picked one up and asked “what’s this for?” And then said, “Never mind! I’ll just watch you.” It was such a shocker that he had lost that knowledge and that he was covering it up so well. Then the time that he asked me what temperature was freezing. He has a degree in physics but had forgotten that freezing was 32. About a week before Christmas he asked me what Jesus did on Christmas. 12 years of Catholic school and was an altar boy but forgot that Christmas was the birth of Jesus. For whatever reason, it’s these little things that catch me off guard and just plain hurt.

M1

Oh I certainly know your pain too Elaine, and am so sorry.  Those little things that make up a life, and the unraveling of a life.  They are like microaggressions, they just stab at our hearts.  

I am for some reason reminded of the opposite that happened to me yesterday--babysitting my 3 yo granddaughter while my daughter is out of town.  I will share it because it was happy.  She was cold after a bath, so asked very sweetly, "will you put some socks on my toes?"  I was SO very glad to oblige and put socks on her toes.

It's the littlest things.  My heart remains very raw these days, too.

Joydean

Elaine just thinking about all those beautiful memories and to see him loosing them are heartbreaking. But they are something you can still hold and cherish. You can talk to him about them. I know sometimes my dh will ask me to talk to him. He has very hard time just getting a few words out. So I will simply start talking about different things in our life sometimes he really tries to listen and will comment. Like saying was I there? Yes honey you were but it was a long time ago. It seems to make him happy that we did things that were fun. I don’t really know if he understands or not but what ever just to have him smile is okay. 

I don’t know if that would work for you and your dh. Just sharing in case.  

Nowhere

Elaine,

I’m so sorry for how quickly his mind is deteriorating. I wonder if you prepare him his old favorites recipes and serve them with pita bread if you might see that he just picks up the bread and automatically knows how to use it to scoop up delicious hummus. Perhaps he’s lost his cognitive ability to think about it all,  but muscle memory will just dig in? My husband will say he doesn’t have a room in his memory facility, yet he automatically (and independently) returns to it from the dining room three times a day. 

Wishing you peace.

White Crane

Elaine,  losing our LO's a bit at a time is truly heartbreaking.  Lately my DH watches me when we sit down to eat to see how to proceed since he doesn't remember what to do with a baked potato and other things.  It's so sad and it touches my heart that this dear man that I have been married to for 55 years needs to know how to eat a baked potato.  At those times, I try to be very gentle with him and smile at him.  We travel this road with tears in our eyes.

Ed1937

ElaineD wrote:

We've been married over 60 years, and we shared so many things that only he would know about....   

Elaine, I think that bothers me more than anything else now. The things we shared that nobody else knows about. Those are things in my memory, and when I'm gone, it will be as though they never happened. 

I am now to the point where I don't focus on the things she lost with dementia, but remembering the good things about our life together. We were married for 64 1/2 years when she passed. Yes, I'm still grieving, but it's different now.

mrahope

I completely get how sad and distressing these little things can be. I'm sharing mine with you all, too.  

One day DH was looking at an old picture of me in the hospital holding our newborn son.  I was in another room so he photographed the picture and texted it to me with the question: "Who is the baby?'.  Keep in mind, we have two children, but the our daughter was adopted at age 6 months.  It just about broke me.

And Ed, I also get it about the memories that will be as though they never happened.  That's how this felt, too.

Katie Roo

Elaine, my hubby is in early stages, too. There are several things he cannot remember anymore.  Recently, he heard phrases on TV and asked what they meant because he had never heard them before. But he has.  He cannot remember how to send an attachment on the email, and sometimes not even where to go to send one.  I have to explain every TV program to him, and have to explain it at least twice because he either doesn't hear what I'm saying or not understanding it.  For the most part, he is independent.  He cares for himself, will wash the dishes and sometimes cook (even tho I have to tell him what to cook, what oven rack to use, what pot to use, etc).  This is hard because he used to be the main cook in the family.  He gets antsy and more confused at night.  I don't let him drive much - mostly in town - because he has had one incident where the fender fell off and we had to have it replaced, he hit another car's side rear view mirror with his, and then somehow ended up in the ongoing traffic lane.  I honestly get nervous/afraid when I read what others say as the dementia progresses, and hope that I'm able to handle it.  I continue to look to God to provide me with the patience and the strength as he progresses into the next level.  I'll be praying for you, and stay in this forum.  The support you get here is great!

Ed1937

Katie Roo wrote:

I don't let him drive much - mostly in town - because he has had one incident where the fender fell off and we had to have it replaced, he hit another car's side rear view mirror with his, and then somehow ended up in the ongoing traffic lane.  

Katie Roo, that should be a wake up call. If you let him drive anywhere, whether it's a six lane highway or a two lane road in town, you are risking everything you have. Would you let him drive on an interstate highway with a baby in the front seat? If your answer is "no", then you should reconsider allowing him to drive at all. You are taking a big risk. I'm not trying to tell you what to do, only pointing out your risks.

saltom

Elaine D.  I can relate to your situation. We will have our 64th anniversary the beginning of February.  Slowly going away and I miss him says it all. And there really isn't anything I can do about it but watch and grieve for what once was.  He is now two weeks into board and care. I visit him daily and  have been taking any old school year books and pictures from trips I can find. He like looking through them though I don't think he remembers much.  We do a lot of just sitting and holding hands which seems to comfort us both.

JDancer

This is for Katie Roo and everyone else who doesn't stop people with dementia from driving. I'll apologize in advance for being blunt. Make them stop driving. Now.  It won't be easy, or pleasant, but lives depend on it. 

Like many people (including children who might not be as careful) I ride a bicycle. One tap by a car could be life changing or life ending. Even a minor injury would be devastating because no one would be available to care for my LO with dementia. If a PWD hit me, I would expect full compensation for medical, pain and suffering and care for my spouse. 

Drivers with dementia are not safe, don't let them drive!

[Deleted User]

The user and all related content has been deleted.

OrganizerBecky

This past Saturday I gathered up all of my DH's underwear and threw them away. It just hit me and made me especially sad. He'll never be able to use them again - one more loss on this journey.

Gig Harbor

Katie one accident caused by a person with dementia is a signal to quit driving. If he hits and injures or kills someone he likely won’t remember but you will never forget it. You will very likely be sued by the family and may lose everything. If he can’t remember steps in cooking he ultimately will get mixed up between the gas and brake pedals. His brain is not functioning. Would you put little children in a car with him? This sounds harsh but it is so important that he stop driving today.