Help to communicate w/ LO without showing frustration

Bobaloo’s Person

I need a resource to help me get better at communicating with my DW without showing frustration -- which to her feels like I think she's "stupid" -- although I would never say that and always try to send the message that her memory loss or confusion is not intelligence related. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

dhyink

Bobaloo's Person,   

I like Teepa Snow's videos to discuss how communicate with people with dementia.  My DH was very sensitive about being perceived as stupid early on.  He is past that now, but there are always new communication challenges.  

Rick4407

Hello Bobaloo,  

My DW is a bit further along, early stage 7.  I have tried for the last several years to always communicate on her level.  Previously at a 4-5 year old child level; lots of praise and many "thank you".  

I don't think I've said "no" once in the last 4-5 years.  I've found that delaying works well with her.  "I want to do that too, and we'll try tomorrow."  

I have never brought up the subject of memory loss or confusion.  When she mentions things like that I just say "We watch out for each other."    "You help me with my hearing and I help you with your memory."

She's now at a toddler level on a good day, so very few sentences or requests.  Good luck with your DW.

Jgirl57

This is a very hard stage. I cried a lot that first year

but reading here helped me learn . Since purple 

is the color of Alz. Assoc., I painted my fingernails purple

and added purple accents around the house to remind me to beathe

and be careful of my words. The next thing was I would make statements

rather than questions and I did not make eye contact so I could 

avoid my husbands awful looks towards me. Money issues were the hardest

and I still have to approach this gingerly. It is hard and it s$!ks.

Keep reading and know that there are MANY here in the same stage

you are working through. (Not sure how the nail polish trick will work for you )

HollyBerry

If you get some good ideas, I'll try them too!  My partner is incredibly depressed right now - combination of so many days of cold gray winter weather, some medication non compliance, and the frustration of feeling like she has no control over her life and "nobody believes her." The anger, mood swings, accusations, etc push me into doing all the things I know I shouldn't, like arguing back.  She spins everything around in ways that make no sense (to me) and she can't explain or answer a question logically which frustrates both of us.

When I do have the presence of mind to slow down and say things the way I'm supposed to, I have the best success with ignoring the content of the comment and responding to the feelings - "Wow, I'd be frustrated too if that happened."  Agree even if you don't agree - "I think that would be a great thing to discuss with Dr X next week at your appointment."   "Sure, the dogs do always seem hungry."

When I need a reality check, I try to imagine what it would be like living in the world when you can't remember -- truly can't remember, not just that your mind was elsewhere or you weren't paying attention for a moment --- feeding the dogs 5 minutes ago, and can't problem solve by looking in the fridge to see if the dog food was still there. 

harshedbuzz

BP-

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but very glad you found this place.

My mom had a lot of trouble not showing frustration or irritation when having to communicate with dad. Having to repeat herself was particularly hard. I think she felt if she didn't lower her expectations around his abilities he would miraculously rise to the occasion.  

This quick read helped me be more empathetic and communicate in a gentler manner, so I passed it on to her. She found it useful.

understanding-the-dementia-experience.pdf (alzconnected.org)

HB