not sure where I go from here

caberr

My DH passed away from Alzheimer's on December 6.  I got through everything with the help of our 5 kids.  I also got through Christmas and New Year's with their help.  I think I was numb.  The kids and I spent his last week with him. We had air mattresses everywhere.  I am thankful we were able to be with him. Got to hold him and talk to him.  He knew we were there.  

I miss him terribly.  I have never lived alone.  We were married 51 years and were childhood sweethearts.  I just don't know what I'm supposed to do now.  

I had a call with hospice for support and she will call again in a couple of weeks.  I'm hoping to join a support group.  I don't want to end up on the couch in a deep funk. But right now, I just want to be home. 

I am feeling lost.  I have no idea where I'm going from here.  

M1

Caberr, im so sorry. Good for you for reaching out to hospice and elsewhere. That seems like plenty for right now. It's going to take a lot longer than six weeks, obviously. I think for now, if  you want to sit on the couch, then that's what you do.  Early days yet.

elainechem

I lost my hubby to EOAD almost 3 years sgo. It was just weeks before the covid shutdowns started. I, too, had never lived alone before. It was very hard. I went to two support group meetings before it all stopped. I was seeing a grief counselor, and I continued talking to her online. That was important. My kids helped as much as they could. I talked to friends as much as I could. I attended a GriefShare class at a local church as soon as I was able. I took a lot of walks. I kept a journal. When the lockdowns FINALLY ended, I started going back to in-person support group meetings. I now attend four a month. I have a lot of hard-earned wisdom to share with others who are still in the battle. I started a Facebook group for dementia caregivers. After hubby died, I started a Facebook group for widows and widowers of dementia. I recently started a support group at my church. I have found that helping others has been the best way to heal. 

So, that's what I've been doing since hubby died. Give yourself some time to rest and heal. But stay engaged with the real world. Try not to spend too much time alone. 

Blessings. 

Joydean

Caberr I’m so sorry. Glad you had your family with you and you are reaching to hospice. Like M1 said if you feel like sitting on the couch that’s what you should do. Take time for yourself for now. Visit your kids when you feel like it or just take a walk on pretty days. Don’t forget to eat during this time. If you feel you need a grift councilor that’s okay too. Just take care of yourself. Your kids need you.  Prayers for you. Hugs too!

Ed1937

Caberr, I'm sorry it's so hard. After my wife passed, I didn't want to do anything at all. I had no interest in anything. I went to take in a ball game with our kids, and I went to a festival for live music with a daughter, but had a really hard time without my wife being there, and we had to leave the festival. 

I'd suggest doing what you feel like. If you want to just sit in a recliner, do it. If you want to try mixing with other people, do it. Just allow yourself time to grieve. I think grieving is beneficial. It's been seven months for me, and I'm just beginning to take a renewed interest in some things. As much as I don't want to, I know I have to move on. So do you.

Hoot619

Caberr, Almost  4 months ago my wife passed, married 57 years still miss her greatly but I make 5 meetings with my 12 step program. I have been going to Church still miss a few Sundays.

  I have another old goat that I hang out with (I am 80) have him over 2-3 times a week .I cook, have him over for meals.  I do a lot of reading -westerns and WEB Griffin stories among others. I have a dog 22 months old Springer which keeps me going on his terms, be glad when he grows up.

I don't isolate from others, can't wait til spring to get fishing again.  Cribbage league I think I will join.    Life has to go on, yes at times I really miss her and the tears are shed.  If I didn't miss her something would be wrong.

Sit on your couch for a while, soon the good memories will start coming . I'm starting to forget the last 2 years of this darn* disease and what we went thru. All my best for you and yes I know you miss him.

Lorita

Caberr, I think all of us who have lost our husband or wife have felt like you're feeling now.  It's a lost, empty feeling.  I had never lived alone either.  The first month or so was filled with paperwork and carrying on the work we had at home - taking care of cattle, dogs and cats.  I think that's what kept me going.  I had bad days and even though it's been a little over eight years I still have bad days - this past month for sure.  

I wish I could say it will be better - and it will to some degree but you'll still have bad days.  The good memories will overtake the bad ones you had during Alz.  Maybe  you kept a journal and you can read that - much later - and remember things you will forget.  I did that this past month and probably shouldn't have.  I had forgotten so much of what happened during the days leading up to losing him.

He was only on Hospice a very short time but the Chaplain kept in touch with me for a few months.  I've never attended any kind of meetings but I had joined this forum when Charles was diagnosed and it was the people on this forum that got me through all the hard times - and they still do.

Do whatever feels right for you now.  Don't make any major decisions for at least a year and be kind to yourself.  I had a picture of Charles I had taken a year or so before I lost him - he was sitting in the chair across from me so I had it enlarged and since that day it has been leaning against the lamp between our chairs.  It reminds me so much of the way he'd look when I'd say something to him.  In a way, it's the little things that count and will get you through this hard time.

Try to rest all you can.  We're here when you need us.

caberr

Thank you all.  As always it is so good to get advice from this forum.  I know so many have been through this and are still going through it.  Coming on here makes me feel like I'm not going insane!  

jfkoc

You are so not insane.

I went from day to day not doing much  of anything except putting one foot in front of the other. 

After 3+ months I made a call to  our art museum to find out about their docen program. At 5 months I strated training for it. 

When you are ready you will begin. Until then just get from sunrise to sunset.

Big hug sent.

Judith

Sligo177

Caberr,

I'm sorry for your loss, I can't imagine how hard this is for you.  I guess we all have some idea, but it's you going through this in your life, and I agree with others, do what you need to do.  Sit on the couch, take things slow, or if you feel like being in touch with people go ahead and do it - whatever gets you through each day.  I admire you for planning to join a support group.  Please keep us posted if you can.