Stop them from driving - dirty tricks

RobertsBrown

1) Cause a police incident.  Any interview during a traffic stop can generate a notation of concern by the officer, resulting in a letter from DMV requiring a competency test, making it not your fault.

2) Report your concern to the police expressing your concern, and ask for a police interview at your home.  Claim ignorance to your spouse, or conspire with the police to claim an 'anonymous complaint'.

3) Call the local Sheriff or Chief of police and ask for a 'favor'.  They don't want your dangerous relative on the road any more than you do.

4) Call your insurance agent, ask for a letter of concern from your insurer asking for a competency test...again, not your fault.

5) track their location and make an anonymous complaint.  "Life 360" is a free phone app that tracks exact location of the phone, and records roads driven, vehicle speed, and location in real time. Designed to be a 'keep in touch' family app, it's very effective spyware.

6) disable the vehicle.  This is your fault, but it may buy you time.  Taking out one brake light is a reason to be pulled over.

Remember, you are saving lives here.  Fight to win.

MaryG123

Great ideas!  Florida DMV has an online form for reporting concerns about a driver.  I filed one on my elderly neighbor, who lived alone, after seeing him drive over a traffic cone and drag it down the street.  There are young children who play on our dead end street.  The next week, before he was investigated, he hit a car and totaled his truck.  Fortunately, no one was injured.  His truck was towed away and he stopped driving.  Other states might have similar reporting systems you could use.

Ed1937

Excellent suggestions! Thank you!!

mrahope

I am having this problem now.  I was wondering if just letting the battery go dead would do it. I don't think DH could get it together to call AAA or a technician for a jump.  We've been fighting over this for weeks, and I am totally wrung out from the abuse I take because I don't want him to drive.  He's even threatened separation or divorce.  OTOH, he hasn't driven since we were given the diagnosis of mild dementia 6 weeks ago, other than possibly when I fell asleep a couple of times.  

How do I get over whatever hump it is that makes fibbing ok?

Kenzie56

mrahope, when you are worried about fibbing, ask yourself how wrung out you'll be after receiving a letter informing you that you are being sued! My DH was undergoing tests from the neurologist because I insisted that his PCP find out what his problem was. He had not been diagnosed with dementia yet. He drove to the grocery store when I was cleaning the house and he ran a red light. DH t-boned a dump truck going 45 mph and did not even apply brakes.  Before this, he seemed to drive just fine (so I thought).  His car was totaled, but thankfully he was not seriously injured and the driver of the dump truck wasn't either.  Because DH could not remember our address, phone number, his birthday, my name, etc., the officer noted a possible medical emergency. The company that owned the dump truck sued both of us (I was not in the car). I was sued because I allowed him to drive when I suspected he had a memory issue - which they considered negligence. DH was sued because he was negligent running the red light. His license was suspended which got him off the street...but I shutter every time I think about the possibility that it could have been much worse. The intersection was by a high school. The case was settled out of court 2.5 years later. I can't tell you the stress and trauma all that caused me in addition to learning his diagnosis and dealing with that stress. I wish I had RobertsBrown's list before learning the hard way.  I think a dead battery would be a good first step.

harshedbuzz

mrahope wrote:

How do I get over whatever hump it is that makes fibbing ok?

The short answer for many is when you realize it is a kindness to tell your LO the gentlest explanation for him because he doesn't have the bandwidth to process and be OK with difficult decisions.

When you accept that you can't be an effective caregiver if you are subject to abuse constantly. 

My mother had to do some real soul searching. Their marriage had not always been happy; dad was controlling and emotionally abusive at times. She was angry at his diagnosis (mixed dementia including one that was alcohol-related). Initially she was brutally honest with him which never went well as he'd be aggressive. When I called her on her instance around honesty being her exercising the upper hand for the first time ever, it finally clicked.

Jo C.

Always good to have ideas for how to deal with the driving dilemma.  Kenzie, I am so sorry for what happened.

Easiest:  One can make an anonymous report to DMV; they will mandate the person come in to take both a written test and a driving test. If one must use a name to report; then one can request to be anonymous and have it honored. The DMV becomes the bad guy.

One can also confidentially request the physician write a "prescription," for no more driving. (MD offices can also report to DMV, but most do not want to do that.)  The doctor gets the blame.

It is highly unlikely the police department will get involved to that point; it is just not done due to their liability should there be relationship shenanigans, etc.; and they also are usually not well staffed and are on overload.    It also may well be limited on just how much they can do in actuality except lecture as they are not actually in a witnessed harm mode.  

A bit of a caveat regarding insurance companies.  Be very careful reporting a LO to the insurance company; that could lead to BOTH husband and wife being removed from the insurance company automobile policy which could lead to a hefty financial crisis should there be an accident caused by the person with dementia. NOTE:  They may well cancel the policy for both adults due to the fact that the person of concern may actually still gain access to the vehicle.  It is a risk issue for them, so for the insurance company, the risk lowers by cancelling the insurance for both parties.

Not easy to deal with; it takes a bit of time, creativity and often, outright fibbing.  Disabling the car is always a stop gap for many and it is taking time to get parts in; but some are still to aware for that.  For us, it was DMV reporting time.

I would rather report my DH and know both he and other people are safe from being maimed or killed or causing huge financial and legal issues including someone going to jail. The legal issues as reported by Kenzie, is a dramatic lesson for us all.

J.

Nowhere

Another idea- have a fake key made at the hardware and switch it out.  First we went down to one car. Then I would say what a great driver he was, but what an awful passenger I’d become. So he “allowed” me to drive. In time he’d just enter the car on the passenger side, but frequently mutter how it wasn’t fair and that I was a control freak. Argh. I wasn’t sure he wouldn’t just decide to run an errand or something and so I had a dummy key made and switched it out attaching it to his key fob. This way he could still lock and unlock car for us, and wait for me in the car if he tired while running errands. This worked great until one day, he was waiting in it, and wanted to turn on the heat. When I returned to the car he was sitting on the passenger seat staring at the key dejectedly said, “You gave me a dummy”. My heart broke for him. As you know, our hearts break in a million little pieces over the course of this journey.

Joe C.

Another trick would be to talk your LOs into applying for a handicap parking placard. In my state the application will trigger a driving test.

Kevcoy

Another little trick is to take his car key to the hardware store and have them grind out a couple new grooves so when they put it in the ignition the vehicle won't start.  If you have a keyless ignition get a fake faub so it won't start the car.

mrahope

Thanks for all of this information.  I decided to message his PCP, who had offered to try and help with this some time ago. In our state, doctors can report impaired drivers.  Pretty sure I will have to hide the keys, too.  I am at my wits end.

mommafour

mrahope - I understand what you are going through because I am experiencing the same at this time.  Its torment and harassment for me! DH was an "expert" in his field of accident reconstruction, teaching defensive driving, giving seminars to companies, and testifying as an expert witness on behalf of our state government in vehicle accident litigation.  So he has been extremely tough to convince that his driving days are over. We got rid of his car last summer when his "check engine" light on the dash came on.  My son drove him to an auto parts store that gave free diagnostics of the check engine light, then convinced him that it would cost thousands to repair (it was a $25 part - a fiblet) and he would be better off selling the car to a junk dealer.  It wasn't worth much anyway.  But he has been angry and demanding several times per day that I help him buy a new car and has even awaken me during the night with this demand.  Today, we saw his Alzheimer's doc.  She wrote him a prescription that stated "no driving due to dementia" in big letters.  It won't solve his anger issue but it's another tool to help convince him.  He has not been driving since his car was sold, but I hope he will give up these incessant demands soon.

JulieB46

I called my insurance agent and told him to take my DH off the policy and put him as a non-driver.  Fred was driving very little and only short distances with me beside him telling him which way to turn.  I then just told him that he couldn't drive anymore because the insurance company won't cover someone with ALZ.  He accepted that and just stopped asking.  Sometimes he forgets and I remind him.  I also hide all keys.