VENT - Sharing the Caring

LadyTexan

Greetings all. I'm feeling resentful and this is a VENT.

My Dear Mother (83yo) has moderate dementia. My Dear Father (85yo) is her primary caregiver. 

I believe I have earned my caregiving badge in the trenches by caring for my EOAD DH until his death in April 2022. I know a little bit about caregiving, although I am not a professional. I learned because I had to in order to care for my husband. Caregiving for my DM is different, than caring for my DH. Caregiving is hard and thankless, no matter who you care for. Caring for my DM seems to trigger anxiety for me. I get antsy and frustrated and sometimes depressed. 

In an ideal world (that does not exist) my 2 siblings would share with me the load of assisting my parents. My brother definitely shares the load: he visits my parents and brings them meals a couple times a week. My sister is NOT engaged in their care. Sister states that she is just a phone call away. I appreciate that of the three locally living children, we have varied skill sets. Caregiving does not come natural to me but I earned some skills caring for DH. I left the workforce to care for DH. I hope to return to the workforce in the future. Both of my siblings currently work full time jobs. 

I am frustrated that my sister is not sharing the load.

Some days I embrace acceptance. I know the caregiving load will probably never be shared in a manner deemed equitable by the kids. But darn it, it would be nice to see sister lift a finger once in a while. Meanwhile, I manage (schedule and attend) the medical appointments, manage the meds, ensure my parent's home is safe and reasonably clean, coordinate with the hired caregiver, communicate with the health care professionals, transport my mom to/from her day program, make several meals a week, serve as a confidant for my mom and dad, provide several hours of hands on care for my mom so my dad can get out of the house, shower and shampoo my mom, et cetera. et cetera.

I am grateful I have the skills and ability to care for my parents, BUT I would be thrilled, if sister would help once in a while.

Thank you for allowing me to VENT.

SusanB-dil

You are in the right place to vent, as you know from too much experience with 'this'.   and I hear ya LadyT!

A 'phone call away' is still 'away'. It has been less than a year since DH loss. I'm sure you do not feel like jumping back into 'this'. 'this' bites!

worriedgirl32

Oh my god! I need this place to vent. I hate what this disease does to not only the patient but the people around them. I hate what it's doing to me. I have depression and anxiety so this is not going real well on my mental health. Everything she does makes me crazy. Everything she says makes me want to punch her in the face. She bary listens to anyone. She's been brought back by the local police twice now. It's just hard. Thank you to anybody listening to me vent.

prov1kenobi

dear Worried…i feel the same way

harshedbuzz

LT-

Vent away.

It's frustrating. It's hard when circumstances and personality conspire to create an unfair distribution of the workload associated with caring for aging parents.

HB

PS If your sister is one who needs an invitation, perhaps you could delegate a few tasks she could do in the evening or on weekends. Perhaps the weekly shopping, collecting prescriptions from the pharmacy. Preparing extra servings of their meal for your dad to heat up as dinner.

OliviaDep

I can so relate to this. I am so sick of hearing “let us know whatever you need“ and then having to hear all of the reasons they can’t do it. My friends tell me I should create a list of who does what, but I find it more work when I have to manage it. I would love nothing more than to set it and forget it, but it will never get done. As the oldest sibling, I think they look to me for leadership and honestly, I would prefer to be in the background. It really takes a toll, and my journey has just begun. One day at a time…

Ed1937

Lady, it's good to hear from you again. I just wish things were easier for you. You have been in the trenches before, and when things got tough, you looked for things to be grateful for. This seemed to work for you, but I understand it might be different now. You are still human.

I just want you to know that people appreciate what you are doing, and that's especially true of your parents, even if they can't let you know that. I had one daughter who helped me so much when I was caring for my wife, and I'll never be able to repay her for that.

Arrowhead

Your sister said that she is only a phone call away so call her and tell her things you need help with and see what she does.

Jgirl57

Lady T, I often use your strategy for gratitude when dealing 

with my HWD and I thank you for sharing your journey with us.

I will admit I was worried about you when you began caretaking for your mom.

I was afraid you had not truly rested after your husband passed. So glad you are still coming to the forum and able to vent. So sorry you are once again on the journey.

ZackFootInMouth

OliviaDep wrote:

My friends tell me I should create a list of who does what, but I find it more work when I have to manage it. I would love nothing more than to set it and forget it, but it will never get done. As the oldest sibling, I think they look to me for leadership and honestly, I would prefer to be in the background. It really takes a toll, and my journey has just begun. One day at a time…

Yup. Being thrust into an active production management position from an engineering position is what this is. And learning a new job is very painful, but this situation requires new skills (and sometimes a new person).

*Ollie*

Lady T,

I feel ya on this one.  My sister helps out from a far (finances) and did a lot for my mom when she lived closer.  My brother does nothing except texts her and says things like, "Doing anything fun?"  or "What are you up to this weekend?".    He does not get it that my mom's replies will be "Not much" no matter what she's done.   That's when she can work her cell phone successfully.  She can't remember what she's done or what she has coming up.   He does not get dementia at all.

He has no desire to come see her and doesn't even call her.  Just texts.  It's so sad to me.  He wants nothing to do with this.  It's infuriating to me.  He thinks taking care of her is easy and why would I be stressed about it?  I don't reach out to him at all anymore.  It's too disappointing for me.  

Crazy thing is, my mom thinks this is great.  She thinks he is a wonderful son.  That minimal effort is all she gets and she couldn't be happier.   Living with someone with dementia is wack-a-doodle!