Memory care placement, one year ago today

billS

I placed my wife in MC January 25th 2022. It was encouragement and advice from people on this forum that gave me the strength to do it, and I'm sorry I've not reported back here for several months. So to recap the last year, placement has worked out about as well as I could have ever hoped. Below I'll go into more detail.

Before placement: I was sleep deprived, exhausted and stressed out to the max. I could no longer keep my wife safe and she was a danger to herself and our home.

The placement process: Placement was almost seamless. My wife adapted immediately and without objection. I laid low for a few days, then phoned her. She sounded content and I promised to visit soon. I started visiting after about a week and all went well.

The facility and staff: While there are always things I see that could be better, overall I am very pleased with the facility. Staff are very attentive and caring, the facility is clean and well maintained, and frequent activities and parties are provided. The place has five cottages surrounding a common landscaped courtyard with lots of outdoor seating. There is a maximum of 15 residents in each cottage.

Cost: Cost was $6,000/month for a private room. We had a fixed amount of long term care insurance which will be exhausted in another two months. Cost this year will go up to $6,500/mo.

My life after placement: Before placement I kept hearing "Placement is harder on the one placing than on the one being placed," and in my exhausted stressed out state I thought "How can that be? I am going crazy!!" But now I understand. Even though I can now get good sleep, keep up with chores and pursue my own interests, there is an ever-present sadness that everywhere I look at home I see and feel my wife's former presence in the projects we accomplished as partners over 46 years, in her collections of succulents and artwork, in her piano now sitting silently, and so much else. At the same time I know there is no way I could have her at home again.

Her life since placement: I visit every other day, usually for an hour or so. She is always cheerful or at least content. She smiles easily, maintains a good appetite and participates in the activities she can manage. The staff go out of their way to say Hi to her and she responds with big smiles and happily replies that she is doing great. Her dementia seems to have somewhat plateaued or is progressing slowly. She can no longer manage clothes with zippers or buttons very well and she has increasing trouble dressing herself. Staff have taken all her clothes out of her room because she kept moving them around to other rooms or piling on multiple layers (once she had four shirts on one over the other and the outer one was so tight they had to cut it off with scissors!) Incontinence is becoming a more regular thing.

Communicating with her: For the most part she cannot speak coherently so questions or statements just come out as a word salad and I just respond with "Oh yes I think so," or "Well I'm not sure." But I always bring a bluetooth speaker and play music playlists from my phone for her, a amazingly she remembers lyrics and sings right along with me. We dance together (see link below!) and it is such a delight to look into her smiling face as we sing. It is a great way to give her exercise and maintain her coordination as well. Touch is the other way we can communicate - she enjoys it when I give her shoulder massages or just walk with her holding hands. About once a month I give her a warm foot soak and pedicure.

So for now I feel lucky that having taken her from our home she is nevertheless content and most importantly safe and well cared for. I make a point of chatting up the staff and they always thank me for coming in visit. It eases their load just a bit and I have to think probably makes them a bit more attentive to my wife. Thanks to all in this forum your caring and support. Here's a short video of this morning's dancing-

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1d3_EpehjCNGPZa3ofTIZt65xhhCEeKC5/view?usp=share_link

toolbeltexpert

Bill your report is fantastic. Your wife is beautiful and you both looked like you really got into the music. I am so happy for you. And I am sad also, cause I get it. Where my dw is they play country music on the main TV sometimes, I will kinda dance her to her room, all the other residents get such a kick out of it. You mentioned the ltc are you going to continue where she is? I really hope you can! You have always encouraged me thru this journey. Thanks I will have to watch the video again it was so good.

Stewart

billS

Wow Stewart thank you for the kind words. Yes I will continue with the facility. Ironically it is only because of my wife's conscientious financial planning, along with both of our hard work and frugality, that we are in a position to afford paying out of pocket. 

Like you I see many of the other residents responding to our music. When I play music on the common areas people will start clapping to the beat and tapping their toes. Once I was playing a nice Chet Atkins acoustic guitar piece and one resident walked up with an ear to ear smile and started playing air guitar! It was wonderful to see his response.

sad lucy

I loved your dancing brought tears to my eyes. I placed my husband in a nursing home last Oct. I can relate to all the feelings you had when you placed your sweetheart. I am relieved but lost just cannot get myself to functioning again alone. Thank you for your posting helped me a lot.

Ed1937

Bill, that was great! It's amazing what music can do for them, and for us too. I'm really glad things went so well for you, and she continues to be comfortable. You sound like you're doing a lot better too.

toolbeltexpert

Bill just gotta tell ya, I went to church after I posted and when I was leaving church to come home I started singing. Bum bum bum bum Mr sandman, I laughed the whole way home. Songs that get stuck in your head. Hope I can sleep now!

Stewart

Ed1937

Stewart, that's funny!

CatladyNW

Bill, your post and video touched my heart. My situation is not unlike yours-DH moved into AL  11 months ago. My DH Parkinson’s with cognitive decline and a complete loss of mobility. He is in a wheelchair but often forgets that he cannot walk, and tries to stand up and then falls. I would give anything to be able to dance with him again!  So glad that your wife still has the ability to dance and sing with you, it must give you comfort, too. Since he moved out, I no longer live in a state of hyper vigilance 24/7, but the house is so empty.  I feel like I live among the ghosts of our happier years together.

Joydean

Bill thank you so very for sharing your video. You both look so happy. Glad you are doing better. You have encouraged me to do better with my dh. Lately it’s been pretty hard but just watching you and your beautiful wife makes me realize I need to try harder thank you. 

Steward thanks for the laugh! 

Stuck in the middle

It is hard to believe it has been a whole year!  You are doing a terrific job, Bill.  Thank you so much for sharing your success.

I see she is still enjoying the little robot dog.  Those things are a blessing.

Joe C.

Bill, That is a great update & I’m happy for both of you. My experience with placement has been the same right down to the dancing. Although I also miss DW daily, I am grateful for the happiness she has found in MC.

billS

Thank you all for your kind comments. And just to emphasize again, from what I've seen music seems to be a powerful means of communicating with dementia patients. Whether it's volunteer musicians from the community, the facility's boombox in the courtyard, or my little speaker and phone, music acts like a magnet drawing attention and smiles from residents. Even a couple of the usually crabby ones will at least look up with interest and sometimes even smile. 

Here is a link to the speaker I use with my iPhone. It has great sound quality and a rechargeable battery:

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B010OYASRG/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&th=1

I download songs to my phone from Spotify (I'm sure there are other options). I organize them into folders by genre, like big bands, classic oldies, folk, etc. I usually start out with some Glenn Miller or Benny Goodman which right away gets toes tapping, then progress to '70s tunes. By then hands are clapping and toes are tapping and I feel like the pied piper! It really feels great to see residents having a good time. 

mommyandme (m&m)

billS, 

What a beautiful video!  Thank you so much for sharing!  

M1

Bill I so know everything you are feeling, we are approaching ten months here.  Ours has not been as smooth, but the power of music certainly resonates.  It has devolved that the one time I can visit is during music/happy hour on Friday afternoons, when my partner will sit with me and listen to whoever is there to play that week.  

Thanks for the charming video, and I am glad things are stable for you.  I am hoping the day will come when i can remember all of our thirty years of joint projects without feeling as bereft as I do now.

F&E

Thank you, I liked your story very much. I am glad for you and your wife’s love and joy but I am very sad myself .your story gives me hope.and company thank you again

ladyzetta

Bill.  Thank You for sharing that very sweet and precious video. Your wife is very pretty. You are a very cute couple. Hugs Zetta

DJnAZ

Bill...thanks for sharing your wife's first year in memory care. My wife was placed 8 months ago and while the time has seen some ups and downs, it is getting better for both of us. There is so much love and caring in your video. It is truly special.

Iris L.

This is so sweet.   Thanks for sharing.  This sounds like Patti Page.

Iris

Nowhere

Thank you for your post and adding the link to the speaker that pairs to one’s phone. I’ve ordered one as I’ve been lamenting that my husband’s facility does not encourage singing and/or dancing. There is plenty opportunity while residents are in the dining room waiting for meals, snacks or just sitting having finished. I’m excited ti give it a go. My dh loved music and so here’s to spreading more joy. Your wife is very lovely. She’s lucky to have you as her husband.