DH is starting to withdraw from social engagements

White Crane

A week ago today, two men from our church who have been friends for years invited DH out for lunch and a drive afterward.  They were going to get pizza.  DH accepted the invitation readily but when it came time to go, he had forgotten and said he wasn't up to it.  He refused to go.  He also didn't really remember who the men were.  They didn't know what to say so they just left.  I felt so angry!  I thought I was finally going to have the house to myself for a couple of hours.  Now I needed to fix lunch for DH and my plans for the afternoon didn't happen.  It was hard for me to deal with and after I got finished ranting silently, I sat down and cried.  Of course, I couldn't stay angry at DH.  He doesn't enjoy eating out anymore and he didn't recognize his friends. 

On Tuesday, I had invited a couple who have been our close friends for over 50 years to come over for lunch.  We have done this before and it is usually a nice time with relaxed conversation.  Not this time!  DH refused to get out of his recliner when they arrived and said he didn't invite them.  He said he wasn't hungry.  He also told me he couldn't handle it.  So, the three of us ate without him and I thoroughly enjoyed visiting with our friends.  When we were almost finished, DH came into the room looking like a thunder cloud and demanded to know what was going on.  He said we were trying to trick him or play a joke on him.  He was getting very upset so our friends quickly left.

Yesterday, I had a caregiver...his usual one that he gets along with really well.  There were a few errands I needed to run.  Usually, he and the caregiver pass the time playing rummy.  Yesterday, she had brought a checker game to try.  Nope.  Again he refused to get out of his recliner and pretended to be asleep.  I left and when I got home, he was still in his recliner.  The caregiver said he spent the time questioning her on why she was there and if she was getting paid to sit with him.

It is sad and annoying at the same time.  He has been enjoying doing these things and now I fear that has ended.  We have been invited to play rummy on Saturday with friends from church.  I am praying he will go as it gets both of us out of the house for awhile.  Both his world and mine seem to be shrinking.

M1

Brenda, this definitely happened to us too and I'm sorry.  My partner withdrew from most friends and acquaintances and even family as she progressed, all except one couple who remain close friends and still visit her in MC.  It does affect you, too, and that's very hard.  But I think it really gets so that they can't process the other interactions--but also means that he relies on you more and more.  To this day I think that's what upsets my partner  most when she sees me is that  not only does she love me (I know that for sure), but she wants that scaffolding back.

tigersmom

Brenda, I'm so very sorry your husband is starting to withdraw from your friends and from socializing. It must make the loneliness we all feel even worse. You did the right thing on Tuesday by continuing on with your meal with your friends. At least you got the benefit of that visit! Maybe this will wax and wane on his part; tomorrow may be better. If it doesn't, keep doing everything you can to make sure you continue to enjoy your friends' company. They are good friends for staying with you. Hang in there.

jfkoc

It is so very hard to accept and adjust to the changes. I would not plan on anything from this point on and if you do get out the door be propared to come right back in.

Please tell the caregiver to never say she is there for him. One idea is to tell him she is there helping you with some housework.

My heart goes out to you....I remember what you are going through. It is sad.

Judith

Beachfan

 Brenda,

Your post brought back unpleasant memories for me. I vividly remember this stage with DH. He reached a point where he would willingly accompany me to public places or to social gatherings, typically with family. It became just a matter of time before he would get agitated, frustrated, restless, leave the group, and demand to go home.  In hindsight, I can see where little pockets of resentment began building. I was angry, that my time with family and friends was ruined because of his disease.  Leaving him behind was not an option, because the idea was to socialize with family and friends. 

Eventually, just getting him from point A  to point B required a huge effort. It was about this time that I seriously considered a 30 day respite so that I could evaluate my options in terms of placement. That was in November, 2021. My kids ganged up on me and the respite morphed into permanent placement. 

I have the greatest respect for you, for anyone, who is willing and able to maintain a loved one with Alzheimer’s at home. I chose not to do that, and I will make no apology. DH has declined significantly since placement; I knew this would happen. I miss him, I miss what we had, I miss what we should be looking forward to. But having placed him has afforded me a freedom and a release for which I am eternally grateful. The ability to socialize normally with friends and family and to put myself first for once has been a game changer for me.  If the situation were reversed, I know I would want him to have a good life. Best of luck in finding a satisfactory solution; it’s not easy!  

Ed1937

Brenda, I'm really sorry for what's been happening. Hopefully he'll become happy to see others again. I don't think I'd give up on having long time friends over again. At least not yet. Next time could be a completely different story......or not. Good luck with it.