Finding it hard keep quiet; tears & anger

Mckangel

My mother,  in Assisted Living since November called me today- she told me how good she had been to me as far as babysitting my children. I’m 57. My youngest child is 28. She threw this in my face because I “put” her in AL. She was having delusions, paranoia, hallucinations. Truth is- she did babysit for me at times. I had 3 children very close in age & was working 30 plus hours. That close in age, someone was going to be sick at times. I don’t feel I took it for granted, but I always dreaded asking her. I would ask my sweet mother in law first, then take a leave day. My mother,  the majority of the time, let me know how much it interfered with her day. She was a homemaker with no other children, which is still a big job, but I ask myself why she didn’t decline watching one of the kids? so my husband &I didn’t ask her unless we had too. We had to have 2 paychecks, or at least I thought so at the time, regardless, I appreciated the help.  when my parents entered their later years, I began going with them to the doctor, picking up prescriptions, and coordinating Hospice care for my dad, who passed away last February. I did the grocery shopping, etc after my father stopped driving at my I insistence, and then began helping coordinate bills , etc. I am so close to defending myself to my mother that I did help her in so many ways as she helped me. I want to de escalate the conversation and redirect, but I am only human, and have had only a moderate amount of success.  This is not a new thing with my mother, so I suppose it’s just really getting to me as far as blaming it on the dementia. Thank you for listening to this little rant. Sometimes I just want to unleash, as she still has a good deal of her faculties. It…..just…..hurts. 

Stuck in the middle

She helped you in various ways, and you have helped her by placing her where she can be cared for.  Don't let her manipulate you with guilt.  You are doing a good job.

Mckangel

Thank you. I suppose I needed to hear that. She has a no nonsense caregiver/sitter/friend that has gone above and beyond. My mother has just about run her (the sitter) off, and this dear sitter lady is a tough old bird, ( no disrespect intended). I don’t know what we would do without her. The “sitter/friend “ is inclined to take a few days to decompress and let my mother sweat it out. I can’t say I blame her. I’ll play this by ear, and see if my mother calls me. Again, thank you for your reply, it means a lot to me.

M1

Remember that you don't have to answer the phone, let it go to voicemail.  Agree with Stuck, this sounds manipulative--then and now-- and you should absolutely keep your boundaries intact.  If you want reassurance, you can always check with the AL staff to be sure that they will call you if there's something you really need to know about.

AZ-daughter

Mckangel My father is also in AL and will call me saying horrible things. He said 'I have loved you your whole life. I don't know why you would do this to me. I am in hell." I believe they are so desperate in their situation they look for emotional buttons. Some way to get what they want from us. These hurtful statements do feel like darts, and I am so sorry you have to go through this. Just remember the disease is talking, not them. I have had to start reading the translated voicemails on my phone instead of "listening" to them. It helps soften the blow of hearing it from my Dad directly. Hope you have found some peace through all this.