How to bring up Power of Attorney

Anonymousjpl123

Happy Sunday fellow caregivers. All still going well for mom at MC/AL and it’s a relief. She’s happy, facility has taken on med management; and we even have an appt with a primary care physician. Lots of others with Alzheimer’s/dementia there and families. It’s a huge relief. 

Next hurdle was getting her spending and I think - miraculously - we’ve gotten it under control. We had an amazing conversation and I somehow convinced her we both needed to curtail our spending. She let me put a monthly limit on her online shopping. I think the key is she felt we were in it together. 

Last hurdle is power of attorney. I found a good elder lawyer who can do  that and advance health care directive for reasonable price. How do I bring this up with her? She is happy for me to manage things but still very sensitive about being in a facility: she describes her place as a condo for senior citizens. She was livid in the beginning when we shifted her to med management, though finally just accepted (and soon forgot about) it. She is in such a much better place then before/during the move, I’m terrified of upsetting the apple cart. But I also know time is of the essence. 

Any suggestions for how I can frame this as part of just normal stuff we have to do? Could I say the building recommended it? How have others approached this? Thank you as always for your time and wisdom. I’m so grateful for all of you.

Joydean

You could use the same approach. Say you are going to take care of your legal paperwork and dose she want to do hers at the same time. . Or something similar to that.  Sometimes that will work. Just word however you feel it will keep her comfortable and that you will be doing this together. Best of luck to you.

Emily 123

 It helped to ask it as a favor (or help).  'Because if something does happen where you're incapacitated,  I want to be sure I'm making the choices you would make, and be able to set up the care you might need.''   You could tell her a story about how a friend's family were in limbo because their parent had a stroke and they didn't have any guidance for medical choices or legal right to handle their finances, etc.

Hospitals love to have advance care plans in place, so you could tell her it's more paperwork for a hospital system or something the facility or PCP wants on file just in case.  Do know that her primary care provider can help you with the  advanced care planning discussion, but they need to be briefed ahead of time about it so they can make time for it and are aware of where you are in the process, and you may want to have mom take a look at the paperwork if she's amenable. Once signed, do make sure that you upload the ACP  & POA to whatever hospital portal account you might set up for her, and make sure the PCP and facility has a copy too.  Good luck!

GothicGremlin

I did pretty much what Joydean suggested when I approached my sister with POA docs.  I told her that I was doing my own POA, updating my will, etc., and I wanted to make sure she was all set too  -- just in case.  I reminded her that our parents had done all of their legal paperwork, and remember how much simpler everything was thanks to mom being "on it?"

That kind of sealed the deal for Peggy, and so I was able to do her POA and her will at the same time.  Two birds, one stone, etc. She was still fairly early stage 4 so she was able to come with me to get everything notarized. 

I was really relieved when all of the legal paperwork was done.

CaliforniaGirl-1

The argument that worked for us as a family, was to discuss what would happen if our LO was hospitalized and unable to make decisions or pay their own bills. This way we could pay bills and talk to banks and doctors on their behalf. You could position it as part of estate planning and have their will reviewed at the same time.

MY LO was reassured by the fact that it was revocable and that it only went into force if they were unable to act. 

A reputable Elder Attorney will want to make sure that your LO is sufficiently competent to understand what the documents are and that they are agreeing to it. They will also reassure your LO that they are their attorney and representing them and not you. 

In our case we were fortunate, my LO helped make sure the documents reflected their wishes and then just weeks later had to hospitalized. I can't imagine how difficult it would have been without up to date documents.

But the thing that helped was to explain and have the attorney explain that this doesn't remove their own power to act and make decisions. It only comes into play if they no longer can.

Get these documents done now,  if you can, while your loved one is competent enough to assist. The alternatives are much more difficult.

jfkoc

Another vote for "everyone needs one" approach. Ask your mother to come with you and then go out to lunch.

Anonymousjpl123

Joydean, Emily, gothic, californiagirl, and jfkoc:

It worked like a charm. I did just that. What I’m learning here is with people with alz/dementia, “take it easy” is the way to to. As it happened, during our visit tonight I found an email from her condo association sending me a bill that actually said “I’m sending to her daughter who has power of attorney over her finances.” She is so grateful I pay all of her bills (never did it in her life) so it was a great opening. I just said “oh they wrote they which isn’t quite true. Maybe we should do it,” and she was totally chill, “oh yes let’s do it now. Do I have to sign a form?” I told her we would go to this attorney I found and she was like “great. We’ll have lunch.”

All of you were basically right: keeping it like a normal chore was key. Gothic, it was exactly the tone you used with your sister.

Emily that is such helpful advice - she’s getting set with a primary care physician so the timing is actually perfect. 

Now I just have to cry a little tonight, because part of me feels like these types of things are getting easier because she seems almost too eager to give things over to me.. She is grateful to be at a nice place with nice people where she doesn’t have to worry about things. She loves having breakfast and lunch with her friends (she’s made two here yay) and doesn’t seem to care much beyond that. It makes me ache. 

In an odd way, this was the last piece of the hard things we had to do. She has a doctors appt in 2 weeks. She’s settled. But her mind is also focused on fewer and fewer things and it makes me so sad. My sister in law noticed it too. It’s good I guess. Better it be peaceful. Part of me misses her fighting me on everything as crazy as that sounds. 

Ok I’m rambling. Sorry. Just so grateful for all of you. I know the worst isn’t over but this feels like a huge relief. But also sad that it was so easy and I’m not sure quite sure why.

Thanks for listening and sharing all of your advice. It does help.

Anonymousjpl123

Also californiagirl the attorney I spoke with was awesome: he said exactly that; he will be meeting with HER, representing her, and her wishes, so that will definitely make it easier. He’s also very calm and friendly so that will help a lot. Even though she is fading - faster than I thought, I must say - she absolutely does have some ability to make decisions or at least this decision. But I definitely know time is truly of the essence. It’s also maybe why I’m so relieved and sad at the same time, if that makes sense.