new to this forum, help please

19hope

Greetings, all, We don't have a diagnosis, but there is clearly a profound change in my husband's behavior that has been ongoing for two years. I'm scared. He sees no changes in himself, and blames me for "changing." No one in our circle of influence or family sees any changes because he hides it so well. After decades of marriage, our communication is now very very very poor. I can't seem to reason with him. Any attempts at reason result in arguments. His anger is hard to deal with.    Encouragement welcome.                We've moved recently and I'm not sure if I should go back to work.       Processing all of this is really really difficult.              He hasn't managed our finances for nearly 15 months, but he still is working. Any help or suggestions appreciated.

Ed1937

Hope, welcome to the forum. Sorry you had reason to find it. In your profile you said he doesn't understand that there is a problem. This is called anosognosia, and it is common with dementia and some other diseases. It is the inability to realize there is a problem, and you will never convince him there is a problem. Trying to be rational, or showing him proof that there is a problem will get you nowhere. Reasoning no longer works. You will have to live in his world because he can't live in ours.

There are a couple of things you need to do. You need to get him to see a doctor, preferably a neurologist who treats dementia patients as a large part of his/her practice. They will run a lot of tests to determine if there is a cause of his behavior that can be easily treated. This is really important because if they find something treatable, that could be the end of his problems. If they don't find something, there is a good chance that they will diagnose MCI (mild cognitive impairment) or dementia of one kind or another.

You should set up an appointment with a CELA (certified elder law attorney) to protect your assets as much as possible, and to get your legal paperwork in order. This will include POA (power of attorney) and more for you. You will likely have to learn to use untruths to make things easier for both of you. You might tell him that you both need to see a lawyer to make sure everything is up to date. At that time, you can appoint someone other than your husband as your POA. He does not have to know which papers you are signing. He will have his own to sign, typically making you his POA. It would be good to meet, or at least have a phone conversation with the attorney before you see them so they know exactly what you want (including that you don't want your husband to know what you are signing). 

You have found a good forum, and you will get a lot of support, understanding, and help whenever possible from our members. Someone here has been where you are in caregiving at every step. I'm sure there is more to add than what I wrote, and others will chime in.

KathyF1

Hope, I know how you feel. My DH also started this journey with not being reasonable. Arguments ensued because he made no sense. Now I realize it was the beginning of Alzheimer’s. Be careful about him making financial decisions. My husband made some risky decisions before I knew to keep an eye on him and our business suffered greatly.  I too felt so much fear in the beginning. Now I feel I have a better handle on my emotions. This forum has helped so much. Knowing you’re not alone is a comfort. Prayers are with you Hope.

Iris L.

Ditto what Ed said.  If he is working, he can immediately take short term leave of absence (sick leave) pending completion of his medical evaluation.  Blood tests don't take any time but unfortunately, getting a referral to a neurologist who specializes in diagnosing the dementias and a neuropsychologist for neurocognitive testing may take some time.  

If he does turn out to have a dementia mimic due to medical causes, he can begin treatment.  If the evaluation shows no other possible cause for these signs besides dementia, you can apply for long term disability benefits for him, if he is below retirement age.  This will require a lot of medical documentation and takes time.

If you can discreetly take a look at his most recent annual employee review, you will note if he is struggling with his work performance.   He might be at risk for being let go.  Do not mention anything about dementia to the employer until you have a better handle on things.

Iris L

Joydean

Hope I just want to say welcome and let you know you are not alone. We are here for you. We have all been/or going down this same horrible road. As Mr Ed mentioned most people will dementia/Alzheimer’s have no idea what is going on with them. My husband after all these years has no clue anything is wrong with him. Never mention the word dementia to them because he will immediately become defensive. Most friends and other family members will not always see anything different in the beginning. That’s because PWD (people with dementia) are very good at show timing. After a while they are not able to keep it for very long. 

I wish you all the best of. Keep coming back, ask any questions you need help with, or just vent. We vent at times when we think we can’t take one more minute and so many wonderful “friends “ are here for understanding. I send prayers for you and your husband.  

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ThisLife

When the circle of influence and family can't see the changes, it is probably Show Timing. They can hold it together to appear perfectly normal for periods of time early in the dementia process. 

There was an article in Coping Today "What Does Show Time Mean." I don't know how to do a link for it.  Peoples' comments after the article have some good examples that you will probably relate to. 

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White Crane

Hi Hope,  welcome to the forum.  I'm sorry you need to be here but it is a good place to get support, answers, and reassurance.  You said you were scared.  I understand that.  I've been on this road quite a while now and still feel scared at times.  Some basic things that may help you are:  Don't try to reason with him.  He has lost his ability to reason.  Don't argue with him.  It will only lead to upset for both of you.  Don't correct him.  It will only cause him to become defensive and perhaps angry.  I know it's hard.  There is a lot of help here though so keep posting and reading posts from others.  You are not alone.  Sending hugs and prayers.

Brenda

RCT

Hi Hope and Welcome,

I agree with all the sound advice you have been given so please follow through. For me it was helpful to know exactly with what I was (am) dealing with. Please keep us posted. We care!

Artlady

      I have just been through the same thing. My LO was displaying signs of memory loss and word retrieval. Last year he went out one night at 5 pm  to pick up dinner and at 8 was not home. The trip would have normally taken about 20 minutes. We were in the process of moving from FLA to PA. He had to be hospitalized. He had pneumonia and extreme confusion. While he was in the hospital we were due to move out of the house. Luckily my son had come to help. We ended up in a hotel for three days before he was released. When we finally arrived in PA we started our quest to find out what was causing these problems. We were lucky to find a center near us that dealt with adults with dementia. The doctor evaluated him and diagnosed him with moderate level dementia. The next step was to get a PET and a geri-psych eval. That took a year and a half. We finally got the results of the geri-psych: conduction aphasia and Alzheimers in the advanced stage! This is the first time I have posted anything as well. My LO also has been dealing with BI-Polar1 disorder so I am not new to strange behaviors.

Good luck.

CStrope

I spent about 3 years listening to my husband's excuses and put up with his horrible attitude towards me and everything else.  I almost divorced him, since he blamed the change in him on his retirement.  I thought if this is what he's like because he's retired I'm not dealing with this for the rest of my life.  Then some situations came up that pushed us to the EOAD diagnosis.

I often wonder what things would have been like if I had divorced him during those pre-diagnosis years.