Feeling Alone(7)

JulesRN33

Hi everyone!  I’m new to this forum.  I’m an only child and cared for my Dad for 4 years (with my Mom and her partner’s help).  Dad was diagnosed when he was 59 with vascular dementia.  He is now 68 years old and lives in long term care.  We reside in Canada.

I’ve been feeling anxious and depressed, despite medication and my husband’s unwavering support.  I try to exercise and eat well, but this hopeless loneliness persists and seems to be getting more intense.  I see a counsellor, who suggested joining a group like this for additional support.

Am I alone in feeling so isolated, overwhelmed and hopeless?  Is it normal to feel like I’m just waiting for the other proverbial shoe to drop?  Is there anything I can do to help with the guilt of only seeing Dad 2 or 3 days a week when I feel like I should be there every day?  How does one deal with the never ending grief of losing one’s best friend?

Thank you for listening (or reading, such as it is)…

JA

LicketyGlitz

All normal and you are absolutely not alone, Jules. The end of life journey is hard regardless of the disease or circumstances. In dementia it can be even harder because it such a long, long journey for most of us.

Your counselor is spot on, this is not a job for flying solo so the more people you can access the more supported you will feel. This forum made a world of difference to me. So did joining a virtual caregiver group. Three of us still meet weekly on Zoom even though for two of us our dementia folks have moved on to their next adventure, but the camaraderie, the shared experience, the friendship and laughter was so vital to us when we were all in it we've kept going but we GET IT. All support is helpful, but when it's people who are going through the exact same thing as you that's even more of a boost to help you feel less isolated.

I side-stepped the never ending grief, not that I didn't have my times of deep grief, and still do, but I accepted the situation as hopeless in the sense of a cure early on, and that made it easier for me to hit acceptance quicker. But I'm sure others will chime in with some specific strategies they used that will be a great help to you.

Again, all the feels your feeling are normal and you are not alone. Keep reaching out. I'm rooting for you and your family.

mommyandme (m&m)

You’re definitely not alone, although this can be a very lonely journey. This forum helps me tremendously.  Keep coming back and share anything and everything.

Arrowhead

DO NOT FEEL GUILTY. There is only so much you can do, and you do have your own life to live. You can't be there every day so don't feel bad about it. Taking care of yourself is at least as important as seeing that he's taken care of, which he is. You will survive this; you are stronger than you realize.

ZackFootInMouth

JulesRN33 wrote:

 Am I alone in feeling so isolated, overwhelmed and hopeless?  Is it normal to feel like I’m just waiting for the other proverbial shoe to drop?  Is there anything I can do to help with the guilt of only seeing Dad 2 or 3 days a week when I feel like I should be there every day?  How does one deal with the never ending grief of losing one’s best friend?

You will find a lot of us with the same feelings. And it is a scary situation to be in, for both you, your family, and your afflicted. You want to make the most of your time with them, trying to hold on to the memory of who they were, trying to be there for those fleeting moments they might leave the fog.

You want to do something, ANYthing, EVERY thing. Be with your husband, your friends, your pets. Tell them stories about you and your dad. Don't dismiss those around you now.

You can still see your pa with cookies and pictures and stories, but he's in his own place now with his own schedule.

Anonymousjpl123

You just described this journey for me so well. I wish I had a way to know how to push down those feelings but I don’t. All I know is reading your post I want to tell you that you are doing enough, staying with your LO through this is a lot, and it’s ok for you to feel whatever you are feeling. It will pass. There’s no easy way through this. But maybe you/me/we can find some peace and tenderness along the way. That’s what I wish for you.

Beauchene105

Hey Jules, I feel for you as I'm an only, too. Just remember, you are ONE WOMAN and you can only do so much. You cannot do the impossible. We don't have siblings to lean on, so do what you can and let that bring you peace. It takes a while. Be gentle with yourself.

GothicGremlin

Hi Jules -

I also have a therapist - finding a good one was one of the first things I did after my sister was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. She's been incredibly helpful to me. I'm really glad you have a similar person.

The social workers at Kaiser directed me to this site. I'll admit I was skeptical in the beginning, but I've gotten so much good advice here, it's been a real life saver for me. 

I know what you mean about the guilt, that was me in the beginning. But as I analyzed my feelings over time, I think what I really feel is loss and sadness, and it ends up feeling/looking-like guilt.  Could that be a similar feeling for you?

I don't know where your dad is in this journey, but my sister is five years in, and she has no sense of time at that point. She's there in the moment, but when I don't come by for a couple of days, she thinks I haven't been by for months. Her friend M comes by to see her every other day (like clockwork), and she'll tell me that she hasn't seen him in a very long time.  From my experience, going by every day, every other day, once a week, might be all the same to your dad. In my case, time does not pass the same way for my sister as it does for me. It's sad, but not a reason to feel guilty.

Things I do to help my state of mind:

- listen to music

- work out

- make sure to get together with friends and family

JLB43

I can only speak for myself, but I share the loneliness that others feel. The LO I once knew for 57 years does not know me anymore as her husband. I am fortunate that my daughters and sister-in-law are very supportive, but we all have different perspectives and understanding of the disease we are experiencing. Sometimes, I feel like I am a teacher, bringing the support system up to date on behaviors they may see. In that way, I feel alone, bringing them with me. 

Thank goodness for this website! There are no easy answers on how to deal with loneliness, but seeing that others are experiencing the same thing you are is comforting. It feels odd saying it that way but I think you probably understand what I mean.