First day at adult day care

tigersmom

Hello, fellow travelers. Today was DH's first day at social adult day services. I gather it was not a resounding success. The very kind program director said he did so-so. He enjoyed the visiting dog, but would not eat very much of the lunch provided or use the toilet, despite multiple prompts. He got up several times from activities and occasionally displayed anger. The good thing, the director said, was that he did not try to leave and was very respectful. When I arrived to pick him up, he did agree to use the toilet for me. He's going back next Friday. Please tell me this gets better,,, even if you have to lie to me. Just kidding! Sort of. I really had my hopes pinned on this, and was hoping he would like it enough to maybe eventually go a second day. For those of you who used adult day care, I would love to hear about your experiences, good or bad. Is there some chance that he will settle in?

MaryG123

He didn’t get suspended, so that’s a win right?  I try to remind myself to lower my expectations.

60 falcon

Adult daycare was about the best thing I did for my wife, and myself.  Her first few days were kind of rough, and she did try to leave once or twice in the first days.  I took her there twice a week for about six or seven hours each.  My wife did adjust and actually seemed to have a good time and looked forward to going there.  There were difficult days and one or two other people that she just clashed with.  I wish I had started taking her to daycare before I did. The caregivers were great and the relatively small number of clients allowed them to give my wife a lot of one on one attention.

Tigersmom, don't give up too soon.  Your husband just might get used to going there.  It was important for me to help the staff get to know my wife...her likes and dislikes, favorite things that she liked to do or talk about etc.  My communication with the caregivers was important.

gampiano

Hello! My DH attended day care for a bout 10 sessions this past Fall. Reviews were mixed. As long as the weather was warm enough, he spent most of the day outside helping one of the staff members with gardening and other tasks. Then he would enjoy the visiting animals, as your DH did. He too refused to eat lunch, and walked away from other activities. He did use the bathroom, and there was always an attendant accompanying him which he did not like, but of course, was necessary. As soon as winter arrived, he became very restless and wanted to go outside. He also did become angry a couple of times. I decided at that point to take a hiatus for the winter. Although it was helpful to have some time alone, the stress of dropping him off there, and making the "quick getaway" was problematic for me. I began to dread Daycare Day. And, this may sound weird, but, unless there is a critical incident, or really pertinent information to be shared, I would rather not get a detailed report on his behavior. Any respite I experienced was erased as soon as I went to pick him up..Just my opinion, but in general, Id rather not know  details unless it's necessary.

I will tell you that there were people there who seemed quite content, mostly female. The center has actively recruited more men, most are veterans and seem to be ok with the routine there. SO....each person is different, and for me, I doubt that my DH will want to return, as he is now becoming resentful towards me and resists even gentle prompting. (not always, mind you, but unpredictably). You may have a better experience, and it's worth it to keep trying. I wish it had worked for us, its a wonderful resource to have in the community.

MN Chickadee

I bet it will get better. My mother was the same when she started. She hated it and it was awful to get her to go, she got really mad at me. It took a few weeks but then she started to settle in, get immersed in the activities and make friends. Then it was smooth sailing for years and we upped it to 5 days a week. She loved it and wanted to go the minute she got up in the morning. Hang in there, the adjustment is a process.

Vitruvius

With my DW, we started at 2 days a week for 4 hours as that was all the program was doing as they restarted after COVID, and that was for the better anyway.  It took a few weeks for my DW to become comfortable going, the first few sessions she wanted to leave early.  After a while we moved to 4 days a week as she became comfortable going (most days).

Some days she had more trouble about wanting to go, yet the program team assured me she enjoyed and participated just fine when she was there.  The aides there were great at coaxing her out of the car on these days, and when I picked her up she was always in good spirits.  It became apparent that what her real problem was, was that she did not like leaving me, her "anchor".  I started to prep her before going that I was going to be nearby and would pick her up promptly, and her friends would miss her if she wasn't there.  This helped, but there were still days that she baulked, but went anyway, and yet left in good spirits.

I'd give it a few weeks before you give up, and then maybe try some time later again.

tigersmom

Thank you, everyone, for your really helpful replies. It is good to know that many of you had speed bumps at the beginning, and that for many of your loved ones there was an adjustment process. I am going to keep trying and will report in again. And MaryG, thank you for making me laugh. I needed that on Friday!

Jeanne C.

Tigersmom - has the adult daycare experience for your DH improved? Miy DH had his first day today and it was a mixed bag. Started ok. Even pleasantly. But by 10AM it was nonstop calls wanting to be picked up (I will be fibletting that his phone either isn't allowed or needs to be charged). He refused participation in most activities. And spent 2 hours perseverating "I don't want to go" once home again. We'll try again on Monday but I'm really hoping that it got better for you.

tigersmom

Jeanne C., it did indeed get better. After three so-so weeks, I tried some new things. I specifically asked him to take his phone, so he could call me if he wanted. And he did -- sometimes up to four times in five hours. But It calmed him to hear my voice. I started packing him a lunch, since he wouldn't eat their food. And in the Iunch I packed a note, asking him have fun with these kind people while I did some errands, stating that I would be back at 2:15 to get him and that I loved him. I think having that to look at helped. Things were going great until late March -- he sang, he danced with the aides and other clients, he painted, Then one day he got angry and his speech became aggressive. As it happened, we were seeing his neurologist the following Monday. He was started on a very low dose of Celexa, an antidepressant, to help with his separation anxiety. His visits since then have been great. Last Friday, I did not get a single call. He did all the activities, he ate his lunch, he used the bathroom without prompting. Next month, I am adding a second day. Please try to stick with it. I would suggest you let him keep his phone, but write him a note he can look at, too. It sounds like your DH has the same kind of separation anxiety as mine. If he won't volunteer the information, tell the staff the things he loves (for my husband, the outdoors and animals) so they can tailor some activities for him. I never thought my husband would participate in art projects, but he colored a cheetah so beautifully that they hung it on the artwork board. I am really glad now that I kept trying. By the time I drop him off and pick him up, it is not that much time off for me, but it is still appreciated. And most importantly, I feel it is better for him. He is really bored at home. He left last week very happy. My advice is to ignore the perseverating and keep trying. Don't even discuss it. I tell mine where we're going when we're a block away. Hang in there and don't give up. Many people told me the it was an adjustment for their LO, and that has proved to be the case. I am pulling for you.

LADB01

This is my first comment - new member as of yesterday- today was my LO second day of Adult Day Stay - I hope this will provide the socialization he craves. I felt the same feelings as the first day of kindergarten with my kids. This new journey is a frightening one, and I have sooooo many questions and fears of making the wrong choices for him. I am so grateful for this opportunity to be part of your forum. I will be soaking up as much advice and direction as I can find .... Thank you sharing your concerns about the Adult DayStay programs and for all of the helpful comments .

Jeanne C.

Thank you for the encouragement, Tigersmom. Welcome ladb01 - I'm new too and everyone has been helpful and kind.