Big decision

M1

I've decided to at least inquire whether I can move my partner to another MC facility.  Essentially, it comes back to seeing if my first choice from last year will reconsider her.   Despite three or four really good staff members with whom she is tightly bonded, she is just not thriving where she is; she is the most functional person on the unit and that is not a good thing.  She is not eating, has no one on her level to befriend (except staff)  and is rarely leaving her room.  Their offerings of activities are pretty standard fare and just not her cup of tea.  I don't blame her, because there are some new residents who are disruptive, and this is a small facility with fairly cramped indoor spaces.  Which makes it claustrophobic in the winter months, too--and she is a true lifelong claustrophobic (she once bolted off a plane in Florida while we were boarding because it was too small.   That's another saga).   The facility staff had made noises about providing her with one on one companionship so she could have more opportunities, but that hasn't panned out because of staffing shortages.   

During a music hour yesterday (my only opportunity to visit because it's the only group activity she'll even consider) there was a new resident who clapped out of rhythm to every song.  It was awful.  And I was embarrassed--my partner called her an idiot loud enough for her to hear.  Fortunately, I don't think she did.  But all of the staff that were present kept rolling their eyes at us and were very aware of how my partner was reacting, but couldn't do anything about it.   My partner was the only resident cognizant enough to be bothered, and she was, big time.  She just keeps begging me to get her out of there, and is furious that I won't (her perception).  I left just convinced I have to try something else.

The activities director is sweet but young (24) with only a year's experience.  My partner may not be happier anywhere, I realize that, but I won't know unless I try.  The worst that could happen is that they say no.

toolbeltexpert

M1 I hate to hear this, I know how hard this is on you. I am sure you've thought about any facility is gonna have disruptive folks. My dw and another  female resident get along well, not that they do anything productive, it's just they are on the same level I guess. There is another resident who shadows the other resident hard , today she is wheel chair bound and was running over my dw feet to get to her. There is another residents who yells hay hay hay ALOT. I had to get away the other day and wondered how my dw handles it? There is a higher functioning resident you breaks every now and then and mimics the one who yells and calls her crazy and stupid.

The staff always steps in and reminds them it isn't acceptable to call anyone names or be hurtful, and they are always trying to calm the one who yells. They are doing a great job most of the time it's all good, today not so good. There isn't another place as good as this one I hope and pray I never have to move my dw again. I do know how hard your decision is. Just wondering did the artist lady you had going not work out. I thought that was such a great idea, maybe there is something else you could try?

I will be praying for you.

Stewart

Ed1937

M1, I'm sorry it hasn't worked out better for her. If they will accept her in the other place, please don't have high expectations. It's much better to be pleasantly surprised than to be disappointed. I wish you luck, my friend.

M1

My close friends who still visit her agree that we have to try.  Within 30 minutes of posting this, the nurse called to tell me she had a near-collapse at dinner. because she hasn't eaten all day.  If we don't try something different, this could easily slide into slow suicide.  I think she's fully capable of that.

jfkoc

Is the new facility closer? As time passes, this may become an important consideration.

Joydean

M1 have you visited the other place? Did you spend some time there out where the residents are interacting? As far as the claustrophobic goes I can understand that. From what I understand she was always building and doing things outside. I can’t stand being cooped up either, I feel as though I can’t breathe. Does the other place have an area that is outside that she can go to? Maybe an area where she could paint. Just trying to throw things out there. If the other place has room for her to feel free I think it would be a great idea for her. Best wishes for you finding a good place that fits for her. Do what you heart tells you to do.

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M1

Oh indeed i have visited the other facility, and it is much more spacious, has animals and a garden, and a dedicated art studio.  Plus a larger population, so more likely to have more folks closer to her level. That's why it was my first choice. Distance is about the same, there is nothing really closer to our rural corner.

Yes the downside would be having to reestablish herself, but im serious when i say that she may otherwise decide on slow suicide, I've worried about that all year and it seems to be a real threat now.  So i feel obligated to at least ask. 

Joe C.

M1, I can certainly understand your desire to find a situation where your partner will have companionship at her level, bonding with other residents has been a big benefit for DW. I hope for the best if you decide to make this move.

MN Chickadee

I moved my mother when her facility changed during covid and was no longer a good fit for her. It's a scary leap to take with all the unknowns but my gut told me I had to try. In our case it worked out and I was glad I did it. Her quality of life for the 8 (and her final) months she spent at the second place was exceptionally good and for that all the hassle was worth it. Good luck. Whatever happens you are doing the best you can for her.

harshedbuzz

M1-

Trust your gut. If your first choice is now an option, it would make sense to consider a move. I would revisit it before pulling the trigger to make sure it is still operating in a manner that would suit her.

FWIW, when I was touring there was one facility that had bathtubs as well as shower rooms. I was very excited about this as dad enjoyed soaking in a hot bath and showers weren't happening routinely or easily. When I talked with one of the visiting family members, it turns out that staff never used the tubs because of the cleaning required between uses. It was a bit similar with outdoor areas. I toured in early fall when the weather was really nice. At a few places, the doors to outside patio/garden/walking path was locked because staff was too busy with hands-on caregiving (showering, hand-feeding and laundry) to monitor the area for safety. They explained that they had to watch for sunburn, falls on concrete, residents eating leaves and flowers, and the odd altercation. In nice weather they said they'd encourage folks to go outside just before dinner. So while the garden and the bathtubs existed, they weren't necessarily available when out LOs want them.

At dad's MCF, there were a couple residents who had their own family-provided "plain clothes" caregiver who came regularly to socialize with them. Could this be an option if you can't make the new place work?

HB

M1

Chickadee it's very helpful to know that you did it successfully.  I feel like I have to try.  HB, the facility I'm hoping for is exceptional, probably the best in the state and nationally known as a best practices site.  I'm fortunate that we can even consider it.  My fear is, like last year, they are so in demand that they are selective in whom they take and might reject her as too problematic--when in fact the staff at her current facility love her and find her their most engaging resident and not problematic at all.  We'll see.  The difference this year is that there is no urgency except her unhappiness.   I can afford to wait if it takes a while on their waiting list, if we can just avoid her starving herself first.  

All I can do is ask.  If they say no, nothing I can do.  And I say again, I am completely convinced that if I don't try, she'll take matters into her own hands and shut down.  I said that last year in posts when I first had to place her, and it's still true.  Not much I can do about that, either.

I hate February.

Jgirl57

Since your gut is telling you to try and your partner never really 

“Settled in” , go for it.  I have been following your “story”

because I foresee  my HWD behaving in a similar manner

when it comes time for placement because I am his trigger.

He stays angry /disgruntled with me and charming and pleasant to others .

yes, it is a big decision indeed.

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jfkoc

Abe's Garden???

That is my first choice of where I want to be placed!!!

White Crane

M 1, what a difficult decision!  You know your partner better than anyone though and you are trying to do what is best for her.  Praying for guidance for you.

Brenda

Jo C.

M1; I do understand that this is an uncomfortable decision to have to make.  Yet; from your writing, I feel that it is your gut instinct, knowing your partner well, and pretty much already a decision that this is something necessary all things considered. There is no "right or wrong," in this.  Will there be a new period of adaptation which may cause some kerfuffle for awhile?  No way to tell, but in an case, the way you describe the other facility, seems any kerfuffle would soon dissipate due to the much improved overall capabilities of the facility and staff.

You have time to wait to obtain a room and during that time you can make another visit to the preferred facility to ensure all is still as it was the first time you visited including approach and philosophy of care.

When I moved my LO from one facilty to another, I was in knots of anxiety with concern regarding my LOs reaction which could have been over the moon. To my utter surprise and relief, in our case, my LO was SO much more satisfied and comfortable in the new setting.  What a blessing that was; I do wish the same for you and your partner if you decide to make the change.

J.

M1

Thanks Jo, again helpful to remember that you did it too. Nice phone call from the new director this morning, she remembers us of course and is pulling the file. Meanwhile a fairly defensive phone call with the nursing director, assistant director, and the young activities director of the current facility trying to talk me out of it . A lot of pushback that only stopped when I asked them if they didn’t want what was best for her? I know they do care about her, but I think finances are part of their equation. They were not fully briefed on the Saturday night near-faint and that also bothered me. We’ll see, but yes it’s my gut instinct. I may remain a trigger, but I have to try.