When aging LO is also your boss

PalmsandSunshine

I can likely write a thesis of the issues this is currently causing, but the short of it is my LO and I have worked together at our family company for over 20 years. LO founded it and has always very much taken the lime light as this is their personality. On the other hand, I am fine with just making a positive impact in the community, no fireworks or awards needed for me. 

It's worked out fine until now. Over the past two years my LO's skills have been declining and anger increasing. It got to a point where my adult daughter stopped working with us and got a different job. I am now the full target or our LOs anger. I am screamed at, demeaned and told I am trying to steal the LOs job. My LO tells me I cannot use business terminology and has banned words she says don't make sense like FAQs, bandwidth, scope, and parameters. There are memory issues playing into things here, but the anger and control are the worst of it. My LO has banned me from speaking to anyone within the organization without her presence. If anyone calls me about the programs I lead, she screams and says I am not allowed to speak to anyone. If I do not answer a call or defer it to my LO, that is wrong too. No matter what is/isn't done, it is not correct. My LO cannot work for more than 1-2 minutes before losing it. My LO can hold it together for short periods of time with others present, but still will cut me off and tell me to stop talking or not to answer a direct question. She also texts mean messages during meetings. Last week, to try to keep productive, but to try not to threaten to my LO's view of the company, I offered to do a task that a teenage volunteer would do and my LO began screaming that it was now clear to her that I was out to steal her job and push her out of the company. It was startling. 

I am confident in my professional skills and am currently taking classes to gain additional business certifications to augment my Masters Degree. The original plan was for my daughter and I to take over the business, but my daughter moved on and unless there is some way to cope with this behavior, I am going find another job as well. Another job is very tempting as I would double my salary and have less work. But sadly, once I do,  the business will fall by the way side as my LO struggles to even open attachments to emails at this point. It's sad and I don't want to give up on this work, but as a human I cannot keep taking this abuse. I keep reminding myself that this is a hard time for my LO and to have had deep compassion, but I am starting to have less patience and, as a human, I am feeling really unhappy with it. I am not made of steel and the stress of constant explosions and accusations is miserable. 

I am already in contact with the doctor and people within the business are aware, but nobody seems to have concrete ideas. Most agree the business will be done. Does anyone have an experience with this?

Michael Ellenbogen

I assume he does not have diagnose. Are you saying he is not aware of any of his issues?  

PalmsandSunshine

Correct and thinks it is everyone else, not her.

Marta

Dear P&S:

Welcome to the forum. I have a few questions.

You refer to LO as aged.  Is there a diagnosis of cognitive impairment of any degree?

In what line of business is the company?  I am thinking of the legal ramifications  of allowing an impaired person to conduct business, especially certain ones where the welfare of the public is at stake.

Does anyone have POA for healthcare and otherwise for your LO?

Become familiar with the term anosognosia, which is the inability of an impaired mind to recognize that it is impaired.

Your LO, as described, likely needs medication to control her anger, before it escalates into physical violence.

If any of these apply to your situation, please come back and tell us.  We’ll walk you through this minefield.

[Deleted User]

The user and all related content has been deleted.

Iris L.

PalmsandSunshine wrote:

 But sadly, once I do,  the business will fall by the way side as my LO struggles to even open attachments to emails at this point. 

 

 

What you are describing does not make sense.  How can he run a business if he cannot open an attachment to an email or lose it after 1 or 2 minutes? He sounds seriously cognitively impaired.  It appears that others around him are scaffolding and enabling him to allow the business to run.

 

. 

I am already in contact with the doctor and people within the business are aware, but nobody seems to have concrete ideas. 

 

 

Has he been evaluated by a medical doctor and/or a neurologist for possible dementia?  There are a myriad of illnesses and conditions and drug side effects that impair cognition snd affect personality.  It is very simple to take a history and order blood tests.

 

 

 

 Most agree the business will be done. Does anyone have an experience with this?

It is often advised to wait for a crisis and then to take steps.  But you need to have  these steps prepared in advance, which the members have outlined above.  You have more to be concerned with than just finding another job.  Your entire lifestyle is about to be disrupted if it does turn out that he has one of the dementias.

Iris L.

 

 

 

Chammer

DH and I have a construction business together.  He has forgotten more about construction than most of our guys will ever know and was always the gregarious sales person as well. He doesn’t have a diagnosis either but we have many of the same issues you describe.  We have enough smart people and a good sales guy but as we are trying to keep everything going, he gets very angry and accuses me of trying to be the “queen of construction” and that our crews don’t know what we are doing. It is both disheartening and a struggle.  He decided to build and open a restaurant in 2019 (something we know absolutely nothing about) and we are struggling with that as well.  And…he has alienated our adult children - 3 work with and for us - they haven’t ”abandoned” us yet, but I feel like I am on the balance beam of life - to keep everyone calm, happy, working amicably together.  He’s an alcoholic as well so that adds another unpredictable element.  I don’t have any great answers, but I can surely relate and empathize with you.

Quilting brings calm

You need to have a frank discussion with the doctor outside  of your LO’s presence.  She needs some medications for her anger. she also needs the doctor to recommend a medical leave.

If your loved one is your spouse, or your parent:    You also need to try to figure out a way to not let the business go under. You will need the business (or proceeds  from the sale  of it)  for her future care.  It will also be easier for you to take time off as needed to care for her if  you are working at the family business rather than a new employee. 

You need to speak with a  lawyer.  Not only do you need medical and financial power of  attorney, you also need paperwork for the business. 

harshedbuzz

P&S-

That's a lot to unpack.

Perhaps I am projecting, but it sounds as though you didn't have an easy relationship with your mom even before dementia was part of the mix. I had that with my dad. It did complicate not just the emotional aspects of the impact on my life but also the approaches available to me to keep him safe and cared for.

I would consult a CELA asap to discuss your situation. You may be exposing your mom to legal action to allow her to continue to do business depending on the nature of the enterprise. She will also need someone to act on her behalf to manage her affairs and keep her safe. Ideally, she would name you POA, but I suspect you will have to go the guardianship route. This would force and evaluation and if you prevail, the costs would be paid by her.

I think you need to decide on the business. It sounds as if it was meant to be a legacy at some point. Is it something you want? Do you want to right the ship and sail it into the future as a family business? Is it feasible? Or would you really rather take your talents elsewhere?

I would do whatever is necessary to extract assets out of the business if it is that sort of thing. She will need money for her care going forward and she doesn't sound like the pleasantly befuddled kind of little old lady who would be relatively easy to manage at home with help. 

Good luck going forward.

HB

Michael Ellenbogen

 I would start by having a good talk with your daughter to be willing to speak about this to her. Then the two of you should go somewhere nice and have a nice conversation and stay very calm both of you. Try to explain it in a very nice way of what you are seeing. Have list. If you walk away without success try to get them to create their own list when someone else points out an issue to her. If need to video some of the issues so they can see for themselves.  It is very hard when the other person cannot recognize the issues. Some time what I said will work an help them see the light or at least start to question things that they see happening.  Having somone who as dementai talk to them may also help.

MN Chickadee

I would talk to an elder law attorney asap. They can help figure out options for these various challenges. I'm guessing guardianship may become necessary as it sounds like your LO will not voluntarily name you or anyone else POA. Guardianship is more costly and takes longer but would in the end give you the power to protect her and her assets and the company, and the process would also likely force her to get a cognitive assessment which may end in a proper diagnosis. She will need her assets for future long term care eventually and they must be preserved even if you decide not to stick with the company. Your LO would obviously blow a gasket over this, but they are already unhappy and angry with you so you might as well continue to be hated and at least get the ability to protect her. In order to have a peaceful relationship with them you may have to wait for her to get so forgetful she forgets to be mad at you. This likely will come, sad as it is. Legal advice from an elder law attorney is essential. Your LO may need some pharmaceutical interventions. This is best done by a geriatric psychiatrist or other dementia specialist. This can be done out patient or in patient. Many PWD need some medications to manage anger, combativeness, and other issues and to improve quality of life.