I am so done

Buggsroo

My social worker is looking for a bed for my husband. It has been a few weeks and he has worsened. I thought poo in the sink was bad, now he just whips out the trouser squirrel and pees on the floor. I was gobsmacked when he first did it, I have now told him to just pee in the sink, hey it’s porcelain of sorts. Now I just try and get somewhere where he can do it. We have cats and they will pee where they smell urine.

He reeks of urine because he won’t let me shower him. 

He wears pants over pants, sometimes three pairs at once. It is so awful, I am doing laundry every night.

The worse part is that he invites people in when I am out. Renovators know a good thing when they see it, one came today saying my husband had him in over a loose roof tile. Since I have already been down that road, I carved him a new one and told him to get off my effing porch. So now I see this scam for what it is. So I wrote a note and posted it on the door saying that my husband has dementia, anything he agrees to, I will veto. In other words ply your trade elsewhere.

He also now wakes me up early around 6 am and I am fed up. I can’t laugh about it, the man I loved is gone, the “person” here now is positively feral. 

Here endeth the rant.

Joydean

Buggsroo don’t know how you have survived. The scam people would be the last straw. Have you heard anything from the social worker?  I just hope you haven’t lost all your sense of humor! I believe that’s what has kept you going. Hugs to you.

dayn2nite2

That's why I was pushing and pushing for you to get the process started - it is likely to take your social worker, depending on how motivated they are, months to get him placed.  I hope you can make it until then.

I wouldn't put a sign noting he has dementia on the door.  That is like a beacon to every scammer in the area.  He can no longer be left alone, for his safety and yours.  You're going to have to take him with you or hire someone to care for him while you're gone.

Jo C.

 Canada is quite different re placement; the Social Worker has taken SO long to find a bed for a person who is over the top with need for care at a staffed facility level.

I am so sorry for what has been happening, there are not words sufficient and that you are at the end of your tether so to speak.

Is there another way to have things move more appropriately?  What would happen if you had him brought to the ER . . . . medical reason:  "abrupt change in condition  . . . . and if one communicates an altered level of consciousness; altered mental status, inability to process from a few days ago; difficulty with mobility, etc., etc. whatever you can state . . . AND once in the ER and exam and screening underway; you can then sadly let the staff know that you are not well and due to  the severity of the acuity of care, you are totally unable to care for him in a safe manner any longer and he is at very high risk.  (Safe and safety are the operant words.)

THEN . . . refuse to take him home . . . you share your own hypertension, arthritis, heart or lung issues????   Anything at all including severe anxiety and depression and inability to sleep due to his 24 hour significant activities and care needs and perhaps being a bit fearful re his behaviors . . . remember; it is inability to provide care at a SAFE level on a 24 hour basis.

Whatever it takes.  Then be adamant no longer possible to provide care . . . and due to the safety issues for both of you, you will NOT take him home.  Let them know he has been on a waiting list for a care facility for quite awhile and thus far social services has not been helpful and since the SW intake, his condition has worsened; which it has.   No more Ms. Nice Gal; that only lets the SWs not feel the heat to get it all done quickly and focus on someone else not you. Squeaky wheel and all that.

If he was here in the states, no one can force taking a patient home again.  In such circumstances, the patient would be kept in the ER, (or admitted if there was medical necessity), and the hospital Social Services would find a bed asap which would be far quicker.  Placement in such  a circumstance may not be your first choice of facilities, but at least he would be secure and cared for and later, you can make a change.

In order to get him out of the house, it is either the ER route, or heaven forbid, having to say he is a risk to your safety in some way . . . and let them know he is consistently having his BMs and voiding in the kitchen sink, etc., etc. and it has been impossible to control that on a 24 hour continuum. 

Sure do wish I had a magic wand I would be waving it for you, so hope this will get managed this week if you shout long and loud and become a nuisance yourself . . . .

J.

tigersmom

Buggsroo, my heart goes out to you. No one should have to put up with the behavior that you have had to put up with for so long, but you have somehow managed to keep going. I honestly don't know how. You are one strong woman! I hope against hope that the care your  husband needs and the relief that you so deserve are coming to you very, very soon.

toolbeltexpert

Buggs I am really praying you can find that place for your dh. Praying today would be that day.

Ed1937

Buggs, it's hard to think anybody could do what you have done concerning caregiving. You are indeed a very strong woman. I hope you can find some way to get him into a facility that can meet his needs (and yours).

Jo C.

Dear Buggs; dropping in to say I am thinking of you this morning.

J.

Buggsroo

Thank you all so much for your support. It means a lot. I have a lot on my plate. My 90 year old mother is in the hospital with a kidney bacterial infection, so am worried about her and dealing with my husband. 

However I have good news. The social worker called me and she told me how to about getting the wheels in motion. She told me to give her a head’s up before I take him to the hospital for a psych evaluation. She will call the psych nurse to try and get him admitted. I am to explain that I am beyond done and I can’t take him home. I know now that my health is on the line. Hopefully, he will be assessed and dealt with medication wise. I got off the phone feeling much better and hope to be putting this plan into motion very soon. 

So to all of you who have had my back, thank you. I am so grateful.

Jo C.

It is hopeful to hear that Social Worker will advocate for you; may it come to pass soonest. 

I am sorry to hear about your mother's illness; may all go well on that front too.  Please take as good care of you as can be, you are important in all of this and certainly well deserved for some respite.

Best of best thoughts are being sent your way,

J.

White Crane

That is indeed good news!  Praying your DH can be placed soon.  You have gone above and beyond in taking care of him and I hope you can get some much needed rest.  I'm sorry your mother is ill.  Praying for all three of you.

Ed1937

Sorry to hear about your mother. But It's comforting ti hear that the social worker is working with/for you. Hopefully things will take a turn for the better. You surely deserve a break.

LilySue

You seem to have reached the bottom of the barrel, how can it get any worse? Although you seem to have been, under the circumstances, pretty good-natured about it all, there is definitely a limit when any rational person would be looking for the "exit" sign, and hopefully you'll be there soon with the help of the nurses, et al. 

In the meantime, this thought has helped me: Eat a live toad first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen the rest of the day.

I've relied on that perspective many a time.

eaglemom

I'm just checking in. I do think several of us are following.

eagle

Another Day

Buggs, you've got your hands full and then some. Stay strong, you can hold on just a little longer. Sounds like help is on the way, also known as there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Please remember to take care of you. Without you everything falls apart. Try to eat well and take your vitamins and supplements. A good friend recently reminded me of this very thing. I have to take care of me so I can continue to take care of my DH. My prayers are with you.

ghphotog

Buggs, I switched out the lock on our front security door so a key is nesseccary even from the inside to open the door. I have the key with me. I did this years ago because I bought the wrong type of dead-bolt replacement. I just stayed with it and glad I did. Also a "No Soliciting" sign. That seems to have slowed the door to door solicitors.
Neither my mom or my DW can wander out the front or inadvertently let "someone" in while I'm gone or let the dogs out the front door.
My DW can't open the garage any longer but my mom still can. Friends that look in on us have the garage code and know where the spare keys are hidden.
They both can still get out the back door into the backyard if there was a fire or other emergency but again, the backyard gate is also locked. 
For now, this seems to work for me. Just an idea.