Resentful

Hollyflower36

Sorry, new here. Posted this somewhere else on the board. Oops!

Any advice on having to care for a narcissistic and neglectful parent with Alzheimer’s? How do youlet go of the resentment of caring for someone who didn’t care about you?  Unfortunately, I am an empath, sensitive, so it’s very hard on me.  I have to show affection and love, I feel like a fake.

dayn2nite2

I've said before it's a special kind of hell when you end up having to take care of someone who did not treat you well during your life.

Personally, I don't think you need to display "affection and love" for someone like this.  I think if you have found yourself in this situation, you do what needs to be done so you feel okay as a human being, but you certainly don't owe anything more than that.  

Does that help at all?  Is there anyone else this person has who can take care of them?

Hollyflower36

My brothers want her to go into AL. I saw what my grandma went through and I can’t do that to her as a human being. I know that is my choice, I will take care of her until I can’t. It helps to know and have support from others who understand. I feel like I am on an island. No help from others in the family. They figure out of 4 , I am the only girl so…..

Thank you for your response.

VKB

Holly Flower, I think we must decide what kind of person we want to be and not allow the past to make us into something we dislike. We can do this by focusing on the positive and not allowing thoughts of past hurts. 

I also believe in the power of prayer.  When we love and obey the Lord, He is faithful to help us.  Peace with you always, Ronnie

Hollyflower36

Thank you!

AZ-daughter

Hollyflower36 I am sorry for what you are going through and I feel for you! I am in the same exact boat - both narcissistic parents and I am an empath as well. Daughters are 2x more likely to be caregivers because we are expected to be nurturers.

I still have emotional trauma from my childhood which makes me physically ill when he gets upset at me. We were raised to be seen and not heard, never talk back. It is very difficult to not get angry every time he yells at me after everything I have done for him. I have to take breaks and mental health days often. I try to focus on the task at hand and leave emotion out of it. Sometimes when I call I will write out what I want to say and then read it - also helps keep emotion out of it. 

Prayers to you and your mom to get through this.

ZaipiaZ

This is literally my first post here, but this is EXACTLY what I was discussing with my husband this morning.  My mother is now early stages, and there's a lot of dysfunction and resentment between us.  A few years ago, I moved away from her, far across the country, with no intention of ever speaking to her again.  She followed me, and now she's my problem.  I do not feel much love toward her anymore, but I do feel a sense of ethical obligation.

I see two people in my mother- one part the judgmental, kinda terrible person who alienated everyone else, and one part the scared, confused elderly woman who needs help now.

My current thinking is that I have to accept that I will never have closure with this woman.  She is unable to recognize or remember the ways she has hurt me, and if I seek peace from her, I will never receive it.  I'm the only one who can put down this baggage.

Also, being hurt doesn't justify hurting her.  She didn't support me the way I needed, but that is a weight for HER soul to carry.  I am responsible for how I treat others, and right now this person needs my compassion more than my resentment.

At least, this is what I remind myself.  Sometimes I do get tense when reminded of the old fights, but I'm working on hearing it and letting it pass without giving an angry response (certain plant-based remedies have proven invaluable to my ability to stay chill).  

If anyone discovers a short-cut to "just get over it", please share!