Guilt sending dad to MC

hmc24

Hi everyone 

I am new here. My dad has dementia that has went to down hill since his hospital stay a few weeks ago for Covid. He lives at home with my sister and mom (who has mild dementia). He doesn’t sleep at night and has started turning the stove on (we have since removed the knobs). He also won’t shower without hitting us non stop. He won’t diaper change without hitting us. He is now pooping in his pants and taking it out of his diaper with his hands and leaving it around the house. I go and help as much as I can and we have an aide. He used to shower for the side and now he won’t. We are exhausted. I can’t keep getting hit and kicked and we are scared for him starting a fire or gif knows what. I found an awesome MC facility. They have a floor and his own room. I feel so so guilty. We are hoping to move him next week. I would love to hear some positive stories of successful moves to MC. They won’t accept hitting there so I am praying he doesn’t hit like he does to us. They said they know how to handle agitation and it will be fine. If he hits they kick him out. I keep telling myself that’s worse case and I can’t think that right now. We have to try this place otherwise the alternative is a psych floor at a nursing home which will be awful. Thank you all for listening. The guilt is overwhelming. We have kept him home for 6 years but this past 6 months have been so so hard. It’s time but I feel so much guilt and sadness I will I do this. Will he be ok. Please share your stories with me. 

harshedbuzz

hmc-

I am sorry your family is dealing with this situation. It's emotionally difficult to place a parent, but guilt is not the appropriate response. If anything, one should feel guilt for allowing your mom to live like this.

My dad was very reluctant to care at home. He was pretty angry in the first weeks in the MCF, but he never aimed that at the professionals there. In time he bonded with them and he accepted meals, showers and medication from them and we were able to just have social visits as family which was nice.

That said, while dad was aggressive and talked about harming us, he never acted on it. We did take him to a geriatric psychiatrist outpatient for medication management to take the edge off his anger. Not long before we placed him, we increased his dose of Seroquel on the suggestion of his doctor ahead of the transition into care. And he continued with the geripsych at the MCF. 

While a good MCF will handle aggression more readily than we might, they do have to protect their community- residents and staff. To that end, my suggestion would be to have him transported to the geripsych by ambulance for a short stay to adjust meds and then move him into MC.

Good luck. Moving dad into MC from home was one of the hardest things I have ever done even though it did turn out for the best.

HB

Ed1937

Hmc, welcome to the forum. Sorry you need it, but it's a good one. Here is a good link for you. Why Do Caregivers Feel Guilt? 

MaryG123

A psychiatric consult could be a big help for you, as there may be medications that would control his anger and allow him to be more content with his caregivers.  Hugs to you as you make this tough transition.

Sligo177

hmc,

Welcome, and I am so sorry you and your family are suffering so much - you are doing the best thing for everyone, please know that!  For his safety as well as all of yours.  Just the potential to have rampant bacteria in the home from feces is enough of a reason, and all of the emotional hurt you all feel, plus potential physical injuries.

In my DH's case, medication was necessary to control his anger - he couldn't help it, it's part of the disease - and it has helped tremendously.  Your Dad can't help it either, and he needs his family to make these heartbreaking decisions.  I hope as days go by, things ease up and you find solutions for your Dad.  And don't forget about yourself.  You need care, too.