Extreme Guilt moving dad to MC

hmc24

 Hi everyone 

I am new here. My dad has dementia that has went to down hill since his hospital stay a few weeks ago for Covid. He lives at home with my sister and mom (who has mild dementia). He doesn’t sleep at night and has started turning the stove on (we have since removed the knobs). He also won’t shower without hitting us non stop. He won’t diaper change without hitting us. He is now pooping in his pants and taking it out of his diaper with his hands and leaving it around the house. I go and help as much as I can and we have an aide. He used to shower for the side and now he won’t. We are exhausted. I can’t keep getting hit and kicked and we are scared for him starting a fire or gif knows what. I found an awesome MC facility. They have a floor and his own room. I feel so so guilty. We are hoping to move him next week. I would love to hear some positive stories of successful moves to MC. They won’t accept hitting there so I am praying he doesn’t hit like he does to us. They said they know how to handle agitation and it will be fine. If he hits they kick him out. I keep telling myself that’s worse case and I can’t think that right now. We have to try this place otherwise the alternative is a psych floor at a nursing home which will be awful. Thank you all for listening. The guilt is overwhelming. We have kept him home for 6 years but this past 6 months have been so so hard. It’s time but I feel so much guilt and sadness I will I do this. Will he be ok. Please share your stories with me. 

ChicagoGal

Hello HMC24 - I feel for you, especially since I moved mom into MC on December 30th.  My parents were determined to live in their home until they pass - spent many years making sure I understand that this is what they want.  Dad got his wish two+ years ago (had a stroke and was bed ridden for a year - we hired aides to take care of him).  Once Dad passed, Mom stayed in her house with caregivers during the day and then a live-in.  She got to the point where she was walking out of the house (managed to do it three times even with latches/locks on the doors), stopped sleeping at night and would walk up and down the stairs keeping the caregivers up for fear that she would fall, started sundowning and getting aggressive with the caregivers.  I felt tremendous guilt that I had to move her.  The adjustment was tough but she seems to have settled in.  The geriatric psychiartist and her PCP worked with me to try out different meds to help Mom sleep and stabilize her mood.  Still not sleeping everynight but seems to be improving.  I have told myself that this is the best thing I can do to keep her safe and well taken care of.  Now I visit and spend time with her rather then constantly run errands and deal with caregiver issues.  You have nothing to feel guilty about.  You are not the cause of this terrible disease that your Dad has.  You are doing the best thing you can for him, your Mom, sister and yourself.  He will adjust - you may need to put him on some meds to help with the aggitation/aggresion.

Ed1937

From everything I've read (and that's a lot), a geriatric psychiartist  is typically the one to seek out for medication changes to combat things like bad aggression. Many people react in a more promising way towards people working in the field of caregiving, so that may not be an issue at all. If it becomes too bad, and they won't keep him, see if you can get him into a hospital with geri psych services. It might take time, but they will get it figured out.