How much do I tell her?

Sid Pits

My 86 year old mother is a resident in an AL center about 90 miles away(we live in a very rural area).I am her only living relative, and my wife and I visit twice a week,but we gave her a cell phone to call any time she needs to talk,gets confused, or has a question. She has now reached a point where every afternoon or evening she calls concerned that my father hasn't returned from work.Every night I am trying to explain that he isn't coming home,he's been gone six years.Every night I break the news to her that she's a widow.

There must be a better way to handle this situation, but I just don't know what it would be. Has anyone in a similar situation found a solution?

Quilting brings calm

The recommended solution is to stop trying to get her to remember that he is dead, and that she is no longer in the family home   Instead get in her reality.  Make up a fiblet as to why he is not home yet - he’s working overtime, he took a second job, he is having dinner with a friend. Then redirect her to another subject.  after you get off the phone, call the front desk and ask them to check on her.

Since this is happening in the afternoon or evening, she may be ‘sundowning’.   It’s the term for when people with dementia get confused or agitated around sunset and stay that way until they fall asleep. Her doctor could prescribe something to help with that. 

Ed1937

Sid, welcome to the forum. Sorry you have reason to be here.

Don't tell her that he's gone. That is just upsetting. Maybe he had to take a trip for the company he works for, or any other fiblet you can think of. That is the most humane way to handle that.

Quilting and I posted at the same time. But she's right. Fiblets make things much easier for both of you.